Because I am regarded across the Dominion as an expert political strategist (very savvy), desperate people often approach me in public with questions about what their preferred political leader must do to triumph in the federal election.
Usually, I respond by smiling broadly and saying something harmlessly generic like, “Shut up” or “This really isn’t the place to discuss this, Mr. Dion.” After all, expert advice doesn’t just grow on trees—although if you retained the services of an expert political strategist like me, you would always know what does grow on trees. Peaches, for instance.
But I’m in a generous mood. Here’s an expert (very savvy) look at what the leaders need to do in the second half of the campaign:
Stephen Harper: Flip-flops don’t stick to him. Gaffes don’t stick to him. Nothing seems to stick to him. (Except for magnets—the charisma simulator he had installed before the campaign is 70 per cent iron.)
Sweater Vest Steve—the family-loving, baby-hoisting, human-emotion-having character being portrayed by the Conservative leader—is playing well in two important demographic groups: hockey moms, who make up 22 per cent of voters, and the easily bamboozled, who apparently make up the rest. Harper has even taken to sitting down in public and playing piano whenever he can find one. Upside: it conveys a sense of serenity and confidence. Downside: he may go down in history as the first prime minister to be audited for failing to disclose income from his tip jar.
A majority is within Harper’s reach if he can broaden his appeal just a little bit more. He’s already stopped closing his speeches with “God bless Canada”—to win over secular voters. He’s already staged photo-ops with countless toddlers—to win over parents. The key remaining group is young people voting for the first time. But how to appeal to the kids? Ladies and gentleman, I give you MC Stevie H:
Powder-blue sweater
Mad polyester bling
I’m like Alex P. Keaton
But more right wing . . .
Stéphane Dion: What can the Liberal leader do to turn things around? Well, before the campaign, one expert political strategist (me—very savvy) wrote that Dion’s image problems could be solved if he made just one bold change—growing a big hairy moustache. That way, voters could ascribe to him the characteristics of mustachioed heroes of old: decisiveness, resolve, the ability to outwit Donkey Kong.
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