A look waaaay ahead to who’s on top for ’56

Zombie Hillary Clinton, 61 (Chappaqua, N.Y.): Assuming she loses in 2016 what many assume to be her final shot at the presidency, Hillary Clinton will be poised to surprise the pundits yet again—by trading in the pleasures of mortal life for the persuasive ability that comes with picking, and subsequently devouring, the best political minds in the country. After roaming the countryside for decades, terrorizing hapless villagers and amassing a huge army of the walking undead, Clinton will be well-positioned to capture the Democratic nomination and coax her reanimated followers—raised from the grave without the power of speech or free will—to cast a ballot for America’s first zombie president since Ford. Keen observers predict subtle changes to Clinton’s strategy, foremost among them a migration from a campaign based on “the strength of experience” to a campaign based on “brraaaaaaaainzzzzzz.”

Samuel Eppich, 0 (Nashville, Tenn.): The first 100 days of a presidency are considered crucial—and so too, for a potential presidential candidate, are the first 100 days of life. Sam has impressed pundits on both sides of the partisan divide with his formidable list of accomplishments, including the movement of fecal matter, which garnered great praise among focus groups comprised of his mom. At times crabby and irritable, at other times confused and prone to sudden napping, Sam has demonstrated a keen ability to mimic the campaign demeanour of John McCain. But can he mount a counterattack to those who accurately contend that he neither supported nor opposed the war in Iraq?