History’s view of the Ottawa crisis—first-hand!

Only history knows how the developments and decisions of the past couple of weeks in Canadian politics will ultimately be regarded. So let’s ask it.

History, let me pose to you the question that’s on the mind of many Canad—

Hang on a jiff. I’m just putting the finishing touches on the rehabilitation of Karlheinz Schreiber’s reputation.

Wow. You’re saying you will ultimately perceive the German businessman to have triumphed in his public conflict with Brian Mulroney?

All I know is the guy slipped me a hundred grand. History’s got to eat.

How will future generations view Stephen Harper’s decision to prorogue Parliament?

Which one? That first bit of proroguing bought him time. But his more contentious move comes after he loses the vote in late January. That’s when he decides to prorogue reality.

He . . . huh?

Desperate to retain his hold on power, Harper asks the Governor General to pause life as we know it and suspend the rules not only of Parliament but also of space, time and the entirety of the physical universe.

But that’s absurd. That’s—

She says yes. But to be fair, Harper isn’t entirely dogmatic about it. True, stopping time means the popularity of most fads is frozen in place, forcing Canadians to endure nothing but dancing contests on television until 2031. But—and here is where we see Harper’s strategic brilliance—it also allows people to immediately stop caring about both the environment and the Jonas Brothers.

So . . .

Yep. Majority.

To what extent will Stéphane Dion’s legacy be dominated by his disastrous video address to the nation, which arrived late and out of focus?

It was a truly humbling moment for a proud Canadian. Stéphane is so devastated he won’t even be able to enjoy it when, several months from now, his videotape wins the Palme d’Or. The Cannes jury will call it “just the right amount of blurry.”

So the rumours are true—there really is no film too depressing to screen at the Cannes Film Festival.