Welcome, Mr. Obama. And yes, Harper’s hair is real.

Briefing Notes for President Barack Obama

Visit to Canada, February 2009

The Country: Our northern neighbour, Canada ranks second in the world in total area, fourth in total land area and 314th among favourite spring break destinations (ahead of “Greenland” and just behind “the basement”). Canada’s population density—3.5 inhabitants per square kilometre—is among the lowest in the world, but crowded enough when you consider that one of those inhabitants used to be Howie Mandel.

System of Government: Canada is a parliamentary democracy and a constitutional monarchy. At one time a British colony, Canada asserted its political autonomy in 1982 after just 115 years of thinking it through really, really carefully. Britain, which by then had completely forgotten about the whole “Canada” thing, ultimately agreed to grant independence, though mostly to stop Pierre Trudeau from hitting on the Queen.

Electoral System: Canada’s Prime Minister is obligated by law to respect a fixed date for federal elections, unless he meets the legal requirement of “not feeling like it.” Meanwhile, convention dictates that upon losing the “confidence” of the House of Commons, the Prime Minister must either cede power or flee girlishly to the protective bosom of the Governor General, who has a formidable array of powers that baffle and confound us. She may be some kind of witch.

The Prime Minister: Stephen Joseph Harper, age 49. He’s known as “Steve” among people who don’t care that he hates to be called “Steve.” Yes, the hair is real.

Recent Political History: In the fall of 2008, Prime Minister Harper won re-election with what’s known as a minority—or “sissy”—government. So far as we can determine, this means he must surrender custody of the nation on Wednesday nights and every other weekend.

Political Environment: Mr. President, while it is true that you maintain record-high popularity levels among Canadians, history suggests that American leaders don’t always get a smooth ride when spending time in Canada. Consider the experiences of Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush and Michael Ignatieff.

Arrival: Because this is not an official state visit, there will be no formal military band to greet you at the airport. Respecting custom, the Prime Minster will instead confer a more informal Canadian airport greeting—sending the foreign affairs minister to circle the arrivals level until you come out of the terminal. You’re instructed to “just give ’im a wave.” The $5 attached to this file should cover your share of the gas money.

The Capital: Your brief visit will take place entirely within the city of Ottawa, one of the world’s northernmost capitals and a metropolis renowned throughout Canada for its two or three restaurants that now stay open past seven o’clock. Ottawa boasts a professional hockey team, urban transit (sometimes) and many working stoplights.