Novel money-saving tips for tough times

Which brings us to death. All things being equal, it would be best if you didn’t die during the recession. But if you must die, the least you can do before you go is build your own coffin. There are a number of books that can help, including Do-It-Yourself Coffins For Pets and People—which touts itself as “a joy for the experienced craftsman,” especially if the experienced craftsman happened to have hated his recently deceased mother-in-law or cocker spaniel.

Looking for an even cheaper option for the dead? Burial at sea. It doesn’t cost a penny and it lends itself to a serene ceremony. That said, you may wish to learn from my mistake and ensure you use a body of water larger than a wave pool. As I told the staff and, later, the authorities, I was as surprised as anyone that my pony floated.

Finally, there’s the whole matter of wooing and sex. In a time of crisis, only a monocled madman would consider paying as much as $10 for flowers, candy or a hooker.

So why not do what a man in Michigan’s Thomas Township did and have sex with a car wash vacuum hose? All you need are four quarters and, according to the Saginaw County Circuit Court, 90 days to spend in prison after pleading no contest to charges of indecent exposure. Vacuum sex and three square meals a day? Now that’s making the recession work for you.