There are some things that are never going to come back. One of those things is the Miller-Boyett main title, a minute and a half of newly-filmed (no clips) footage of the cast mugging, playing, running, and above all, doing a big awkward smile-and-shrug when it’s time for their credit. The only network that has that kind of time for a main title is HBO, and there has been no word of plans to hire Jesse Frederick or take their casts out to a grassy field for some on-camera frolicking.

Anyway, we all know the Miller-Boyett biggies – Full House, Family Matters, Perfect Strangers, The Hogan Family – and some of us even know a few of the lesser-known ones like Joanie Loves Chachi and Angie. But then there are the shows nobody remembers or should remember. But the main titles live on; so of their two flop shows from 1990, which one has the more epically cheesy intro?

Was it the TGIF bomb Going Places, whose Jesse Frederick theme I previously used for my “30 Rock Re-tooled by Miller-Boyett” video?

Or was it the Gregory Harrison star vehicle The Family Man, one of the team’s few CBS productions? Note that, in a revolutionary change, the Jesse Frederick/Bennett Salvay theme song is an instrumental. I can’t listen to it without thinking that Mr. Frederick must be longing to put lyrics to it and croak out a vocal.

The lack of lyrics and volleyball-playing Heather Locklear makes the Family Man intro far duller, but I think the weakish special effects on the model airplane, plus the scene of Gregory doing his job as a fireman, may give the CBS show the edge in cheesiness. Though when it comes to the final epic shot of the cast enjoying the sheer awesomeness of their lives — an M-B staple — I think Going Places‘ sailboat may even beat out Larry and Balki going to the theatre. I mean, they probably weren’t going to see anything good.