Passing judgment on various elements of the Vancouver Olympics using a numerical ranking from zero to 10, with zero being a complete disaster and 10 being utter perfection, would be a crude and highly superficial way of looking back on the XXI Olympic Winter Games in Vancouver.
So what are we waiting for?
11.0 Men’s. Hockey. Gold.
10.0 Canada vs. Russia. I’m sure there have been louder places to be than Canada Hockey Place for the men’s hockey quarter-finals—inside a jet engine, for instance, or across from Kirstie Alley at dinner. It was so loud I could hear the noise with my pancreas. Team Canada’s total domination over the Russian side was nice, too.
9.8 The Olympic atmosphere. There was genuine enthusiasm and excitement right across the country, and especially in Vancouver and Whistler. Outdoor viewing parties, live concerts, cultural events: as a nation, we haven’t felt a sense of community this strong since we collectively agreed to pretend Céline Dion is American.
9.7 Joannie Rochette. The flawless Kim Yu-Na of South Korea owned the gold in ladies’ figure skating, but Rochette owned the crowd at Pacific Coliseum and hearts across the country. Confronted during the opening weekend of the Olympics with the death of her mother, Rochette performed two inspired and fiercely athletic programs to take a well-deserved bronze.
9.6 Alex Bilodeau. A country never forgets its first—especially when its first just so happened to beat that tedious Dale Begg-Smith guy.
9.5 Clara Hughes. How much do we as a nation like and admire this woman for her athletic accomplishments and her generous nature? So much that we’re actually willing to forgive her that Cold-FX ad. (P.S. congrats on your gold, Christine Nesbitt—if Cold-FX calls, please hang up.)
9.5 Super Saturday. In the span of a few hours, Canadian men won gold in curling, speed skating and snowboard. The victories gave Canada the most gold medals ever by a nation. We also led the world in a number of gold medals won by a guy named Jasey-Jay.
9.4 That skeleton guy. His name is Jon Montgomery, gold-medal winner, but in Whistler everyone seemed to refer to him as That Skeleton Guy. This is a slight improvement on what, judging from his personality and lifestyle, his previous nickname must have been: That #@!*ing Crazy Guy.
9.3 Scott Moir and Tessa Virtue. Fine, I’ll be the one to ask even though we’re all thinking it: what would it take for our ice dancing gold medallists to make out in front of us just a little bit? I’m only talking about second base. The chemistry is such that seeing them on camera together is like watching the first two seasons of Moonlighting.
9.3 The Canadian women’s hockey team celebrates. The ladies caught hell for holding a boozy, on-ice party after defeating the Americans to win gold. The truth is that the images of fun-loving women smoking cigars and drinking beer and champagne will do more to promote the cause of women’s hockey than anything since . . . ever. Women in Eastern Europe saw that and were like, “Gimme a damn stick… and a light.”
9.2 The Canadian women’s hockey team beats the United States and wins gold. That was good, as well.
9.1 Canadian women in the bobsled. Who knew we dominated the world in women’s bobsled? In your face, nations that previously dominated the world in women’s bobsled! Hang your heads in shame!
8.9 Zamboni. The arena icon zoomed in to rescue the Richmond Oval from inferior ice-resurfacing equipment. Surely, epic poems will now be written in honour of the mighty Zamboni—or at the very least one peppy song by Stompin’ Tom. (Good rhymes for Zamboni: baloney, spumoni, hamboney, cute pony.)
8.7 Cheryl Bernard. The Canadian curling skip became one of the breakout stars of these Games, thanks in part to her solid athletic performance and in part (a slightly bigger part, to be honest) to her hot-mom looks. Take my word for it: she was very popular among the European journalists. If Bernard ever has the urge to start a new life in Poland, I can help make that happen.
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