Illustration Bradley Reinhardt
Actual recent questions to Dear Abby, as answered by Stephen Harper:
Dear Abby: The moment we got married a year ago, my husband started gaining weight and adopting horrible habits. If he hasn’t learned things like “garbage goes into the garbage can” or “aim for the bowl” by his age, is there any hope?—A Newlywed
Dear Newlywed: Listen, we all have our little quirks and idiosyncrasies. I for one like to wake up early and lay perfectly still in bed. Otherwise it makes things tricky for the people who dress me.
Dear Abby: An envelope was sent around seeking our mandatory contributions to give gifts to the leader of the office “to show our appreciation.” I was always taught one never “gifts up” the chain of command. Am I wrong? —Blackmailed
Dear Blackmailed: Or should I say, Dear JOHN BAIRD? That’s right, John—I know it’s you. I could tell from the card. Everyone else jotted down some nice words like “Thanks for everything” (Tony Clement) or “Why do you hate me?” (Diane Ablonczy). But you just signed your name, John. I bet you didn’t even chip in for the Snuggie.
Dear Abby: How do we know when it’s time to end a relationship and move on?—Kiki
Dear Kiki: Maybe this is just me, but I’d say “25 per cent in the latest EKOS poll” is a pretty good benchmark.
Dear Abby: I am a 19-year-old guy who doesn’t know what I want to do with my life. I know I’m still young, but nothing seems to interest me. I have thought of hundreds of careers—and I hate them all.—Hopeless
Dear Hopeless: Wow. This is exciting. I’ve been Prime Minister for four years and I don’t think I’ve ever come across someone who so clearly is “Senate material.” Lack of ambition, an excess of self-loathing, the ability to occupy space—you’ve got it all! Welcome to the upper chamber, Sen. Hopeless.
Dear Abby: At Christmas we invite my brother and his family to our home. Every year, my brother calls to ask what’s on the menu, then offers his opinion on what we should or shouldn’t serve. Last year he told me he wouldn’t be able to enjoy the meal because we weren’t serving one of the items he feels is “traditional” in our family. What should I do?—Offended In Pennsylvania
Dear Offended: You know what works for me? Every time I run into a bit of a problem or need a little space, I make one well-timed phone call to the Governor General of Canada and—poof!—problemo solved. Did it during the holidays in 2008. Did it again in 2009. Each time, my issues just sort of went away. I highly recommend giving her a call!
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