Categories: Blog Central, Feschuk on the famous

The Drowning of Tony Clement’s Credibility

Spare a thought for the minister in charge of Statistics Canada—or, as it will soon be known, Vague Hunches Canada

by Scott Feschuk on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 6:42am - 0 Comments

Let us pause now and spare a thought for poor Tony Clement. The minister in charge of Statistics Canada – or, as it will soon be known, Vague Hunches Canada – is not that different from you or me. He has a job. He likes his job. He wants to keep his job.

But to keep his job, Tony Clement must now wake up each morning, walk out into the world and say things that make him sound like a wet-lipped halfwit.

In defending the government’s changes to the census, Tony Clement must:

a) …repeatedly say and pretend to believe things that only the profoundly uneducated and our least savvy domestic pets could accept to be true.

Clement: A greater sample size in the long form will make up for the absence of a mandatory component.

My dog: Ruf!

Clement: I sense Senate material!

/ Dog licks self.

Clement: I sense Senate material!

b) …perpetuate a campaign of fear-mongering that even the most dedicated mongers of fear would hesitate to monger: Defenceless grandmothers receive the long form and get a’scared that they will be going to jail! PEOPLE OF CANADA: THE LIBERALS AND NDP ARE FIXIN’ TO SEND YOUR GRANDMAMAS TO JAIL!!!!!!!

(Alas, Clement was ultimately outmongered by Stockwell Day, who in a typically classy move picked out a tasteful Nazi theme and darkly inquired if it’s right that the government can ask your neighbour “whether she is a Jew or not? Don’t you find that one even a little bit chilling?” Honest answer: Not as chilling as the prospect of a foreign guest discovering we’ve handed control of government spending to a guy who believes man and triceratops co-existed.)

c) … make that nice Munir Sheikh fellow cry. Poor Munir Sheikh: He devoted his professional life to statistics and now must endure the sight of Slick Tony Clement fondling the number nine, tongue-kissing the number seven and paying for plastic surgery to turn that frumpy number six into a full-figured eight.

I ask you: Is there no one among us brave enough to leap into the water, swim out, swim back and ultimately leave it to a much older man to rescue Tony Clement’s credibility?

More by Scott Feschuk

http://intensedebate.com/people/sea_n_mountains sea_n_mountains

best punditting of the silly season about all of this absurdity!!!! awesome job feshchuk! now a caption contest-based on the themes discussed here in is order i think….
http://intensedebate.com/people/Stewart_Smith Stewart_Smith

I am not sure that you are giving Clement enough credit in the brave rescue.
1) If he had not distracted the dastardly undertow, what chance would the poor woman have had ?
2) Do you have any idea how hard it is to swim while thumbing about how hard it is to swim?

Paul

Let me just make a little point that rivers don't have undertows, the flow of rivers is generally refereed to as current.
I keep making the point and it seems to be lost on most people.

http://intensedebate.com/people/TJCook TJCook

"Tony Clement must now wake up each morning, walk out into the world and say things that make him sound like a wet-lipped halfwit."

And we all know what a stretch that is for a member of Harper's Dream Team Cabinet.

Ione

Clement = "wet-lipped halfwit" Great comment We are still laughing!! Thanks you guys, we need that!

http://intensedebate.com/people/danby danby

Rescue Tony Clement's credibility?

Good Lord man! A miracle right off the hop? Couldn't we start with something easy like getting the PM to welcome Helena Geurgis back into caucus with open arms, and work up from there?

estelle

Too funny!!, nice to get a laugh about our MP's & the government. Not much to smile about lately.

hollimn

But…but…the left / lib elities…ummm…Iffy….ummm….*must cling to straws*

http://intensedebate.com/people/SeanStok Sean

Feschuk is an elite?

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/sfeschuk Scott Feschuk

Also: a terrific kisser!

http://intensedebate.com/people/SeanStok Sean

Pets don't count.

I blame those Taste events you hosted – you gotta get out there and do something *common* to reestablish your street cred. Maybe a Maclean's weenie roast at Coyne's cottage?

http://intensedebate.com/people/sea_n_mountains sea_n_mountains

there was one of the those kind (albeit smelly) free hugs people walking by here a minute ago holinmn, should i send him your way?
http://intensedebate.com/people/Be_rad Be_rad

Yes, I think if readers realized that they weren't responding to you, but a satire of you, the thumbs would have been up, not down.

http://intensedebate.com/people/LynnTO LynnTO

Speaking for myself, I thumbs-down-ed because I'm not a fan of handle-nabbing. There's no need for that on comment boards like this.

http://intensedebate.com/people/Jenn_ Jenn_

In spite of the poor thumb rating, Hollinm, I laughed out loud. Good on you!

D-R

His mom says he's cool.
http://intensedebate.com/people/OntarioTown OntarioTown

I just looked at Wherry's photo of Clement – is he wearing lipstick and has he had a girly manicure with pinky/coral nail polish?

Patchouli

In an effort to save taxper monies, harper is sharing his Mary Kay kit with cabinet. You should see Baird in that nude "pillowtalk" shade of lip gloss — PLUS it's flavoured.

http://intensedebate.com/people/Sir_Francis Sir_Francis

Harper is sharing his Mary Kay kit with cabinet.

Do they get chakra readings from his psyhcic hairdresser too?
Ione

Brilliant – You guys should have your own show!

RDB

Thanks for breathing some fun new life into this tedious scandal. A statistics scandal, how typically Canadian.
JamesHalifax

Scott Feschuk wrote:
"Also: a terrific kisser! "

Sorry Scott…..Liberal ass doesn't count, though I'm sure Mr. Reid appreciates the attention.

Keep hoping though….if Iggy ever becomes the PM, you can be sure your association with the Libs will pay off handsomely.

http://intensedebate.com/people/McC_ McC_

why shouldn't it count?
http://intensedebate.com/people/WDM WDM

Yes, hopefully Scott is smart enough to delete all his over the top praise of the Liberals of late. It is EVERYWHERE on his blog. Take screen shots for the War room stat.

http://intensedebate.com/people/hollinm hollinm

Remember folks while all of this stuff about the census is capturing the media's attention Ignatieff is riding the bus and is not getting much airtime. Could it be the dastardly Conservatives have plotted this whole thing so the media would ignore Ignatieff?

http://intensedebate.com/people/Stewart_Smith Stewart_Smith

Which one of you is this?

hollinm

Stewart_Smith………..I did write this one under my handle hollinm. However, the other one was written as hollimn. I know I upset the lefties on this board but it is sad when someone has to resort this kind of juvenile tactic.

Stewart_Smith

Glad to have the authentic version back.

http://intensedebate.com/people/SeanStok Sean

Wasn't that Apps' whole strategic intent?
http://intensedebate.com/people/lgarvin lgarvin

I was thinking that perhaps Stephen Harper has been out shoplifting these past few weeks.
http://intensedebate.com/people/Fish_30 Al O'Wishes

That's like burning down your house so nobody notices the new wallpaper in the neighbor's spare room. Good job.
http://intensedebate.com/people/YYZ YYZ

Hardly a Conservative ploy…in general, the more Ignatieff coverage, the better for the Conservatives!

estelle

Perhaps it time for a well educated PM with experienced cabinet ministers. The present cabinet is too full of screw-ups. Thats why they can only speak with permission from above.

http://intensedebate.com/people/janicemaerose Janice Rose

I've been too busy with work and spending between times trying to enjoy the summer, but this scandal is so preposterous that I'll bet it's a decoy for something else the Cons are doing. Not sure what, but Harper and his bright assistant Ray Novak seem too bright to press this asinine policy this far without a motive.

http://intensedebate.com/people/janicemaerose Janice Rose

McC says below that he thinks its about the fighter plane purchase. Hmmm.

http://intensedebate.com/people/McC_ McC_

just a guess.

estelle

TRUE!!

jade_lee

We don't elect new PMs in this country, we toss bad ones out of office. Don't slam the door on your way out Mr Harper!

estelle

I might just hold the door for him as he leaves so that it doesn't hit him in the behind. Would hate for him to have to stand all the way home.

Sean

A bit confusing, but nevertheless wittier than James Halifax's contribution.

http://intensedebate.com/people/Sir_Francis Sir_Francis

Incidentally, that's the first comment I've ever seen get removed by an administrator. Did it really manage to outdo J. Halifax, Jarrid et al. in the vulgar purveyance of blind, paranoid rage? Zounds…

http://intensedebate.com/people/SeanStok Sean

Nah, it was advertising spam.

I once had a comment deleted due to multiple reporting flags – strictly due to unpopularity of the position – there was nothing venemous, profane, or nasty about it.

Kevin

Can't remember the specific comment, but one I saw months ago was particularly hateful and abusive. I clicked the Report link and the comment was taken care of. Impressive and timely work by the staff here.

http://intensedebate.com/people/SeanStok Sean

I griped about having mine deleted, as it was honestly benign. Apparently, it's an automic feature – the comment gets removed for review by the software if some number of reports are clicked, but can be reinstated by administration.

Kevin

Vague Hunches Canada! LOL

Mike T.

Soon to be staffed entirely by a 12 year old with an internet connection.

http://intensedebate.com/people/McC_ McC_

will we have to pay for his/her internet connection?

signed,
long-suffering taxpayer

http://intensedebate.com/people/RunningGag RunningGag

Only in the sense that he can write it off as a business expense.
harrylimelives

Yes. And you'll be required to provide fingerprints and bathroom counts to RevCan while have a provincially sponsored, federally funded proctology exam in the process…

http://intensedebate.com/people/Sir_Francis Sir_Francis

Does Pierre Poilievre have broadband?

http://intensedebate.com/people/MostlyCivil MostlyCivil

Maxime Bernier may have a broad band. Not sure if he's still allowed near university campuses though.
http://notquiteunhinged.blogspot.com Catelli

Yeah, but he's an 8bit computer on a Megabit pipe.

Margaret

Clement looks like a goofy creep.

danby

Now, now Margaret. That is not nice or necessary.

If he was only capable of delivering sound judgement and a convincing argument, I couldn't care if he looked like John Wayne Gacy

http://intensedebate.com/people/charlesh Charles H.

With or without the clown suit?

http://intensedebate.com/people/McC_ McC_

I'm adding "capable of anything up to and including anything" to my c.v., that's just gold!

Olaf

I agree. That's just priceless. I might tweak mine to say "Capable of anything, up to and including everything", in case we apply for the same position.

http://intensedebate.com/people/McC_ McC_

your amended version would also be helpful if 'writing skills' are among the essential qualifications.

oppo guy

Ironic that the only man to have fouled his files up so obviously and undeniably that he actually got the boot from Harper's cabinet is the one guy who has more influence than sitting cabinet ministers.

Maxime Bernier: not trusted with the nation's secrets, yet permitted to run the government from his hideout in the Beauce.
http://intensedebate.com/people/danby danby

While I also dislike Stephen Harper and his band of scary men, let's not overreact here.
This is bad government, not the apocalypse.

officerfarva

Yeah, the apocalypse will come with the majority government.

http://intensedebate.com/people/danby danby

LOL!
http://intensedebate.com/people/PolJunkie PolJunkie

LMAO!!
Olaf

ROFLMAO!

Olaf

Haha, I like when Russell shows up once a week or so to say what everyone's thinking.

http://intensedebate.com/people/McC_ McC_

spot on
http://intensedebate.com/people/Crit_Reasoning Crit_Reasoning

I enjoyed the part where he opined that people like Stockwell Day shouldn't be allowed to vote, let alone run for office. Then he warns: "Be be very f**kin' afraid!" Satiric gold.
bonneau

Tell me, what did he say? I missed it, the moderator was quicker on the trigger.

Olaf

Imagine all the ruthless, unfiltered truth you can handle in a single comment, times that by a million, and you come somewhere close to understanding.

bonneau

wow, i guess i really missed out

http://intensedebate.com/people/McC_ McC_

as will our children's children.

http://intensedebate.com/people/McC_ McC_

Until now, my life goal was to live a life worthy of being eulogized by As It Happens, now it's to write a comment on a MacLeans blog post that gets eulogized by Olaf.

Gaunilon

Why did Barth's comment get deleted? He didn't say anything terribly unusual for this site (other than the part about how Stockwell Day shouldn't be allowed to vote…but what's so offensive about that?).

Kevin

Good question. I don't remember anything particularly offensive either.

http://intensedebate.com/people/McC_ McC_

Sean's comment above may explain

Gaunilon

If it was deleted for point of view, that would be ridiculous.
But anyway that can't be it: this is a Feschuk thread – any anti-Harper sentiment will be met with general approval. There's a comment up above claiming that Harper is "cutting Canada's throat" with at least 14 upratings – Barth's comment had at least 9. And anyway, Barth was only expressing the kind of paranoia that many commenters (and one columnist) have expressed repeatedly on these boards over the past week.

So I don't get it. Was it the use of the (edited) f-word? That seems bizarre; people do that fairly frequently too. Someone directed one at me just yesterday.
http://intensedebate.com/people/Sir_Francis Sir_Francis

Barth was only expressing the kind of paranoia that many commenters (and one columnist) have expressed repeatedly…

Heh. The government abolishes the mandatory long form over fears that non-respondents shall be hauled off in chains to dank oubliettes—with one minister critiquing the census by way of the obligatory Nazi reference—but it's the government's critics who are paranoid. Naturally.

As for Barth's comment, I did not find it offensive. I did find it a bore, however. Moreover, its style was execrable. Good riddance, and plaudits to Scott for enforcing some aesthetic standards on these boards. I wish more columnists did likewise, and not merely only out of the swinishly self-interested desire to see a certain set of prolific yet semi-literate Pleistocene throwbacks consigned to a richly earned oblivion.
Gaunilon

Speaking of us prolific yet semi-literate Pleistocene throwbacks, I think you included a redundancy there in the form of "merely only". Do they have Quill-Check available for purchase in Elizabethan England?
http://intensedebate.com/people/Sir_Francis Sir_Francis

Thanks for sharing your editorial acumen. Shame about the deeply inaccurate self-identification.

Do they have Quill-Check available for purchase in Elizabethan England?

I must visit the Carp branch of the OPL and check whether they have a copy available for loan.
lizzy

I actually laughed out loud about the quill-check.
Sir Francis shouldn't be such an insufferable bore. Although, we should thank him for taking a moment to stop powdering his wig and help teach the lower classes a thing or two. I hope he didn't get his gloves dirty.

UgandaGuy

“I ask you: Is there no one among us brave enough to leap into the water, swim out, swim back and ultimately leave it to a much older man to rescue Tony Clement’s credibility?”

Nice ;-)

http://intensedebate.com/people/janicemaerose Janice Rose

"… a much older man to resue Tony Clement's credibility". Hmm, he wouldn't accept a rescue from anyone but a Con, and likely a man; hmm, an old Con man……. Hey what's Mulroney been up to lately and what does he think of this issue? Oh, I missed the "credibility" word.

danby

My goodness Scott, even the Globe is quoting you! You've gone viral

http://intensedebate.com/people/charlesh Charles H.

Not to worry though; some penicillin should clear that right up.

bonneau

penicillin only good for bacterial, not viral…

RDB

Way to let the facts get in the way of doubtful joke.

http://intensedebate.com/people/Geiseric Geiseric

Great closer!
captcold

seriously. The census 'change' is a media management tool to limit coverage and discussion of the HST.

Then again, managing the 'media' is one of the few things this gang can do right.

That, and nationalize car companies. They can do that too.

McC_

I thought it was media management about the fighter planes purchase? (PS when is Michael Petrou or someone going to write about the JSF order? I have lots of questions: too expensive? too few planes? the right/wrong plane for our needs? can it patrol the arctic? is single engine versatile/safe enough? do piloted planes even matter in the 21st C? etc.)

Olaf

I'd like to nominate Scott's dog for an award, to recognize his charming and eerily realistic portrayal of 'dog talking to Tony Clement'.

http://intensedebate.com/people/McC_ McC_

kinda like that SNL skit with Mark Wahlberg: "hey donkey…"
Sigh

It struck me as a rather cynical ploy to get a Senate appointment.

http://www.thepolitic.com Mark Peters

I couldn't give two hoots about the census. Let it die.

http://intensedebate.com/people/danby danby

and I thought owls were supposed to be wise….
Aaron

Are you an educated statistician? An expert on the relationship between governmnet being properly informed and effective governing? No? Ah, now I see where your opinion comes from… you pulled it out of your ass! Well, there's an opinion worth hanging on to! Brilliant!

http://intensedebate.com/people/YYZ YYZ

I'm pro mandatory census.

But isn't this just another thing that the Government will successfully wait out? Like prorogation? Like detailed geographic stimulus data?

I regret that these issues simply aren't meaningful enough to convince the government to compromise. Why should they change? There will be no fallout.

I guess I've finally become cynical. Thanks Steve.

http://intensedebate.com/people/DerekPearce DerekPearce

Agreed. What's interesting to think about is: while each of these ill-informed decisions seems to blow over with a little time, is it registering with the public that it's one-more-piled-on-one-more-piled-on-one-more? Will there be a last straw? I think Harper counts on there being no last straw. Sadly, he's probably right.

http://intensedebate.com/people/janicemaerose Janice Rose

No Derek! We can't give up hope! Damn; I'm almost there too. I gave Bob Rae a weak handshake at a conference last week.

RDB

Where were you when Chretien was in charge? Don't be a weenie . . .

http://intensedebate.com/people/YYZ YYZ

I was 12 when he was first elected, so presumably, I had youthful optimism.

But at least he balanced the books.

Patchouli

I wanna know what Russ said!

http://intensedebate.com/people/SeanStok Sean

All you need to know: Anything. Anything! ANYTHING!!!!!!
http://google.com post by akhilesh

Adults who are prone to primitive thinking have other characteristics. Many are ill educated and proud of it. Many are adherents to fundamentalist religions and proud of it. Many are in favor of the death penalty and proud of it. Many are patriotic in the extreme. Many are drawn to conspiracy theories. These characteristics may suggest that they are fearful “little people” projecting false bravado, who got stuck in childhood black and white thinking, and who have failed to develop empathy and compassion for their own “self” and for others as adults.