Photograph by Stephanie Diani/Getty Images
A bestselling author and television screenwriter, Gail Parent has won two Emmys and was nominated for 12 more for her work on shows ranging from The Golden Girls to Tracey Ullman’s comedy specials. In her new book, How to Raise Your Adult Children, co-authored with psychotherapist Susan Ende, she offers advice to parents of “big kids with even bigger problems.”
Q: Social scientists and demographers now talk about a period of life called “pre-adulthood,” after adolescence but before true financial independence, which often stretches through the late 20s. The reasons it takes so much longer to reach adulthood today are primarily economic: rising costs of a university education, higher housing costs, higher unemployment. What are the effects of all this on parents?
A: We were raised to think our parenting days were over when our kids left home to go to college. But they aren’t. Financially and emotionally, many families don’t separate and adult children don’t achieve true independence. A lot of adult kids are essentially thinking they should still get an allowance—only it should be a big one, big enough to buy a house. And huge numbers of them are moving back in with their parents.
Q: In a recent Pew Research study, 13 per cent of American parents said an adult child had moved home in the past year because of the recession. Obviously, this has implications for the household budget, but what other kinds of issues does it raise for parents?
A: You can get very resentful. I have a good friend whose son had to move back home because he wasn’t making any money. He’s a white rapper, which is a hard line of work these days, and he refused to get a job in, say, a bookstore. So he’s living in what was her office, and she’s had to create a makeshift office in her bedroom. You have your home the way you want it, and now the kid is imposing.
Q: Whatever happened to the cultural stereotype of the mourning empty-nester?
A: I don’t think it’s how most parents feel. You want your child to be independent and when he’s not, it ruins the rhythm of life. The problem is that when adult kids come back, they don’t really take their place in the family. They’ve experienced some degree of independence, even if they’ve just lived at university, and now feel there shouldn’t be any rules. It’s very disruptive. They’re coming in at one in the morning, the parents are worried, and the kids are saying, “But I’m all grown up, you don’t need to worry.” Well, grown-ups don’t live with their parents. And grown-ups let people know they’re going to be out late.
Q: So part of the issue is that both parents and adult children can fall back into old patterns, with the parents trying to be authority figures and the kids acting irresponsible.
A: Right. We’re supposed to be letting go of our old role, protecting and taking care of the child, so he can assume his new role as an independent adult. That’s a hard transition that becomes even more difficult if your child is almost 30 and living in the basement.
Q: You argue that there should be an explicit time limit on the arrangement and maybe a written contract, also. Does it really need to be so formal?
A: It’s important if your kid is the kind who reverts to expecting you to do his laundry. It’s your job as a parent to get him to stand on his own two feet. Unfortunately, because of the recession, sometimes it’s absolutely necessary that your kid lives at home. But in many cases, a lot of these adult kids have degrees and can’t find a job in the field they want to be in yet won’t take another, lesser job to support themselves. You don’t have to say, “Get out tomorrow,” but you should be saying something like, “You have a month to find a place, find roommates.” A deadline gives them impetus.
Q: If adult kids are unable to take care of themselves, surely part of the responsibility for that rests with parents.
A: That’s true. We don’t teach them early enough about independence, and consequently they’re immature in many ways. This hands-on, child-centred philosophy of parenting that’s become popular can come back to haunt you. One mother, who wrote asking for advice, had always helped her son with his homework, and now he was in college, expecting her to research his essays.
Q: What kind of strain does it put on a marriage when adult kids come home?
A: A big one, because it’s not normal. You see that other people’s kids are out in the world, starting their lives independently, getting a job—and yours isn’t making his bed.
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