Q: Why do parents feel impotent in these situations?
A: The basic line is, “I can’t kick my kid out.” They want to, they just don’t have the guts to do it. When I talk to my friends on the phone, it’s, “My son moved back home, and I’m going crazy.” This is why you have to discuss a timeline before the kid moves in, and age is relevant. For a younger adult who’s just graduated, six months is a reasonable length of time to get a job and a place. If the child is 28, though, it should be, “In a month, you’ll have to leave.”
Q: In 2004, some U.S. researchers looked at what kind of support parents give their children aged 18 to 34 and found that, on average, parents contribute $2,200 a year over that 17-year period, to cover education, housing and other costs. That’s a lot more than in any previous generation. What’s going on here?
A: The kids feel entitled and the parents feel obligated. Often there isn’t a clear separation—this is my money, you have your money—even if they’re living in separate places. This is a big change, I think. When I finished college, I wanted to be out on my own, alone. My parents didn’t want me to have an apartment in a bad neighbourhood, and so they offered to pay part of the rent for a better apartment. I refused—it seemed too babyish. But today kids expect help and the reality is that they don’t have the opportunities we did. It’s maybe the first time in history when your kids will likely not have the same standard of living that you do. Of course, we want that for them and feel guilty they won’t get it, so a lot of parents wind up giving their kids money. They want to rescue their kids from economic reality.
Q: You think it’s a mistake, full stop, to loan money to your adult kid. Why?
A: If they need it in the first place, they’re going to have trouble paying it back, and there will be resentment on your side, that you haven’t been repaid, and on theirs, that you’re expecting repayment. Resentment rips families apart. If you can afford to, give the money as a gift, don’t loan it.
Q: That same study I mentioned earlier on 18- to 34-year-olds found that about half were receiving a huge amount of time assistance from parents: averaging nine weeks of full-time, 40-hours-per-week help a year. What kinds of time-consuming demands do adult children make?
A: Often they want child care help, and sometimes the grandparents aren’t the backup in case a babysitter quits or gets sick—they’re on the front line, because of the economy.
Q: What kinds of problems occur then?
A: You do have a different point of view on how to raise a child than your parents do, and this can lead to conflict: you drop them at your parents’ house and then are upset to find out they’ve made them say prayers, for example. I just heard last night from somebody who sent her darling daughter to stay with her grandparents for a week, and they cut her hair, which she considers a total violation. I agree that when you get your kid back, she should have all her hair on her. But you don’t want to yell at the grandparents, who might then say, “Well, get somebody else, then.” So there are power struggles. You really can’t have two alpha females trying to be the boss of one child, and this is what can happen when children depend really heavily on their parents to provide child care. Of course, some grandparents are dying to be asked. I have a friend who won’t go out on the weekend, on the off chance that her children will ask her to babysit.
Q: What other kinds of unpaid work do adult children expect?
A: Many male adult children go through a divorce and because they never learned how to do things for themselves, their mothers act as surrogate wives, fixing up their apartments and so forth, right down to the silverware. Other adult children want help with errands. I know an adult child who’s left home and is working very hard, whose mother picks up prescriptions, takes clothes to the cleaners—and pays when she picks it up, too.
Q: So essentially she’s a personal assistant who’s paying her employer?
A: Exactly. The mother’s attitude is, “I can do these little things for her,” but it’s time-consuming. The adult child feels entitled because her mother doesn’t have a job and seems to have time on her hands. If the mom has never worked, she’s essentially been a personal assistant the child’s whole life. I think in some cases it’s a two-way street: the mother still wants her job, she doesn’t want to be fired as the personal assistant.
Q: Do you think this generation is more selfish than yours was?
A: I know they are. In my generation, once you left home, you just did not expect or often even accept money from your parents. Today, that’s the norm.
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