Tim Hortons goes beyond the double-double
By Scott Feschuk - Monday, November 14, 2011 - 0 Comments
Tim Hortons sells lattes and lasagna now. What’s next—macrobiotic crullers?
Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute
So Tim Hortons sells lasagna now, which makes sense because lunchtime is when our workplaces finally stop smelling like the company’s breakfast sandwiches. Now the pungent aroma of hot beef and tomato sauce can prevail from noon until the Ritual Mid-Afternoon Microwaving of Popcorn By the Colleague We All Secretly Hate.
Even so, Tims selling bowls of lasagna casserole is a little weird, right? The company’s commercials seem to acknowledge this. A guy buys the stuff for lunch and his work pals are like, “Tims sells WHAAAA?” One character seems equally thrilled and confused by the notion, as though the very idea is utterly mad—like going to Starbucks for good chow mein or Red Lobster for good seafood.
And now the iconic coffee chain is starting to serve lattes, too, because apparently people in smaller towns across the country have been demanding the right to overpay for warm milk. One thing is for sure: Tims getting into the latte business is a body blow to Canadian political rhetoric. What easy symbol will aspiring populists now co-opt to identify and belittle the so-called elites of the land? This could be the break you’ve been waiting for, artisanal bread.
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Don’t we all need a cool alien sidekick?
By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, November 8, 2011 at 8:20 AM - 0 Comments
Come on, scientists, enough with curing diseases. Where’s the innovation that matters?
Getty Images, iStock; Photo illustration by Taylor Shute
Dear Scientists:Many of you have chosen to devote your lives to preventing disease and curing illness. Enough with the selfishness already.
The time has come for you to join together, buckle down and deliver on the innovation that humanity really wants—namely, the kind we see in science fiction movies.
Don’t get me wrong: it’s great and everything that some of you are toiling to rid our planet of the scourge of malaria. But FYI, I still can’t order up a burrito supreme from a replicator and eat it in my hovercar.
Here are the things we’d like now, please.
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Follow your heart? Get real.
By Scott Feschuk - Monday, October 31, 2011 at 8:30 AM - 0 Comments
Steve Jobs’s advice to graduates is very practical…if you happen to be a rich genius
AP; Bloomberg/Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute
After Steve Jobs died, his famous 2005 speech to university graduates went viral all over again. Many find the address moving and inspiring. But in a magazine issue dedicated to students at the beginning of their adult lives, it’s worth asking: just how practical is the late Apple CEO’s advice?
Jobs began his speech by talking about his decision as a young man to quit college. Only after dropping out, he said, was he able to drop in on the classes he actually found interesting, such as instruction in calligraphy. (His knowledge of fancy lettering later paid off when Jobs was designing the typeface for the first Macintosh computer.) His point: you should always go with your gut, make bold decisions and “trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.”
Surely we can all agree that giving up on formal education and, instead, learning how to draw pretty letters worked out well for Steve Jobs. Then again, Jobs was a genius and a once-in-a-generation creative talent, so I suspect that dropping out of school to study the banjo or grow the world’s largest pumpkin would also have done the trick.
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How about a little NDP trash talk?
By Scott Feschuk - Monday, October 24, 2011 at 9:40 AM - 5 Comments
How the contenders could spice up the leadership race
Getty Images; CP; iStock; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute
Let’s get to know the men (and so far it is only men) who are running to become leader of the New Democratic Party. This is a very important job because, as the old saying goes, the winner will be a heartbeat away from being four years away from having a very slim chance of being prime minister. Also, he gets a nice house.
Romeo Saganash. I don’t know much about Romeo Saganash but I know this: Romeo Saganash is a terrific name. It sounds like a 1970s concept album by Styx or a fake boyfriend invented by an unpopular high school girl. You guys, you JUST missed seeing Romeo Saganash again! He was totally here in his Corvette and sideburns!
Nathan Cullen. The B.C. MP keeps emphasizing that he relishes his role as an underdog, which is a fancy way of saying, “Hey, everybody, look at me—I’m losing.” Cullen says his main goal is to bring climate change to the very top of the nation’s policy agenda, which is so adorable that you just want to tousle his hair and make the guy a cup of hot cocoa. Crazy kids with their dreams.
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Why I miss the minority government
By Scott Feschuk - Monday, October 17, 2011 at 8:00 AM - 2 Comments
Listening to John Baird use his inside voice is like hearing ‘Back in Black’ performed by a harpist
CP; Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute
Maybe I’m a weirdo but I miss minority government. I miss the tension, the brinkmanship, the Liberals being even remotely relevant. I miss the thrill that comes with John Baird going hyper-partisan, his face turning the kind of purple that under different circumstances would prompt a good Samaritan to apply the Heimlich manoeuvre. I caught a bit of question period not long ago and heard Baird use something that sounded an awful lot like an inside voice. It was as jarring as listening to Back in Black performed by a harpist.
It’s been a tough transition for the political enthusiast. Without the ever-present threat of an election, the Conservatives have no reason even to pretend to feign fake-caring about opposition queries. And the opposition seems similarly disinterested. This is pretty much every exchange in the House these days:
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Don’t let the depression get you down
By Scott Feschuk - Monday, October 10, 2011 at 10:10 AM - 3 Comments
Economic collapse is not all bad. It was exhausting trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute
During a recent lecture in Ottawa, a prominent British commentator offered his assessment of the global economy. Martin Wolf referenced debt loads, bailout funds and all that—but permit me to distill his message to its essence: EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!
Indeed, by the time Wolf was done speaking of likely default in Europe and a potential worldwide depression, it felt as though nomadic Huns were poised to smash through the walls and make off with our animal skins and womenfolk. His vision of the future made The Road sound like a buddy comedy.
Wolf is by no means alone. These are prosperous times for pessimism. Pretty much every day now we wake up to news that the Hang Seng is down three per cent, which is a bummer because hearing “Hang Seng” used to be so much fun, in that it sounded like a bounty hunter from Star Wars. When it comes to retirement, many of us have given up on the dream of Freedom 55 and now grudgingly accept the reality of Freedom Andy Rooney, wherein we position ourselves behind a desk and keep working until we’re 92.
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At last, the job of my dreams
By Scott Feschuk - Monday, October 3, 2011 at 10:20 AM - 7 Comments
Some boys yearned to be firefighters or astronauts—others aimed for the bacon
Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute
As children, each of us held in our imagination an idea of the job we’d hope to have when we grew up. Some yearned to be an astronaut or a firefighter. John Baird clearly aspired to become the world’s first human-klaxon hybrid, and mission accomplished. As for me—well, I recently discovered that the dream job of my youth had finally come open.
It was posted recently on LinkedIn. The employer? Maple Leaf Foods. The position? Marketing Manager, Bacon.
To be candid, I hadn’t, as a boy, narrowed it down specifically to “Marketing Manager, Bacon.” I would also have accepted “President, Bacon” or “Jedi Knight, Bacon.” I just knew I wanted to work with bacon. (Yes, I was a husky lad.)
On the list of my favourite things in this world, “bacon” ranks in the top three—just above “the smell of bacon” and just below “the rare morning when my kids don’t finish their bacon and I pretend to be ticked at them and get all theatrical as I take away their plates but then I cram the remaining bacon into my mouth all at once on the way to the dishwasher and I feel ashamed but also, mmm, gawwwwwwd that’s good.”
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A fellowship of geniuses, minus one
By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, September 27, 2011 at 9:20 AM - 0 Comments
FESCHUK: $500,000 award aside, the MacArthur Fellowship’s super-smart label would come in handy at parties
Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute
Each fall a U.S. foundation bestows “genius grants” of a half-million bucks on a bunch of academics, artists and other accomplished individuals. But what’s puzzling about the 2011 crop of “geniuses” is that the prestigious field is completely devoid of me.
Frankly this comes as a shock. Why, just last week at the symphony a woman came up to me and said: “Do up your fly, genius.” It seemed the people were on board with my candidacy.
The so-called “genius awards” are presented by the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, a charity that features its benefactors’ middle initials—the monocle of name accessories—and therefore must have scads of cash. They are not to be confused with the “super genius awards” presented by the Wile E. Coyote Foundation.
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A seven-point plan? Please. Mine has nine!
By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, September 20, 2011 at 10:00 AM - 2 Comments
Scott Feschuk on the ‘firebrand’ and the pizza man taking on America’s killer debt zombie in the GOP debate
Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute
This week’s debate among Republican candidates for the U.S. presidency was sponsored by Tea Party Express, which sounds like something you’d find next to the Orange Julius but is in fact an umbrella organization for grassroots groups dedicated to the pursuit of low taxes, small government and—to judge from the debate audience—$8 haircuts.
Broadcast on CNN, the debate began with a display of the gravitas we’ve come to expect from American politics—a snazzy video montage in which each candidate was assigned a cute nickname. Michele Bachmann was introduced as The Firebrand. Newt Gingrich? The Big Thinker! One immediately lamented the absence of Sarah Palin, if only to discover which nickname she’d have been given. (The Little Thinker?)
The frontrunner in the Republican field is Rick Perry, who has the look of a man who’s just returned from hoodwinking J.R. Ewing in an oil deal. The Texas governor scored big with his opening line, in which he vowed to “make Washington, D.C., as inconsequential in your life as I can.” He should consider hooking up with a specialist in making things inconsequential, such as the person who wrote the final four seasons of Entourage.
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Your guide to this season’s hockey parents
By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, September 13, 2011 at 10:10 AM - 3 Comments
‘Noisemakers’ Mom can be charming at first. Problem is, she opens the door to ‘Cowbell’ Dad.
Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute
It’s September and a new wave of little kids and their parents are experiencing minor hockey. The boys and girls don’t need any help having fun. As for Mom and Dad, some fair warning: here’s a guide to some of the parents you can expect to encounter over the next several winters.
“Talks Only About His Own Kid” Dad. This plentiful specimen of parent will gleefully analyze for you his child’s every pass, shot, mood swing, haircut, tweet and cereal preference. Come February, he still won’t know the names of half the other kids on the team. You can spot him easily because he’s the only dad keeping a plus-minus stat for a six-year-old.
“Complains About Ice Time” Dad. This father can often be found insisting that the team would have triumphed if only his child hadn’t been shortchanged by 23 seconds there in the second period.
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Danishes are better than muffins
By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, September 6, 2011 at 9:30 AM - 7 Comments
Jack Layton’s farewell letter may inspire copycats. So here’s Scott Feschuk’s first draft.
Everett Collection; Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Sarah Mackinnon
Jack Layton’s state funeral raised important questions such as, “What is the future of the social democratic movement in our country?” and “What happened to the rest of the Parachute Club?”
But more important, the New Democrat leader introduced to many of us the concept of the “farewell letter”: a final piece of correspondence to be released upon one’s passing. As Layton demonstrated, this is a powerful way to say goodbye, shape one’s legacy and maybe try a little bit to kiss up to voters in Quebec.
Jack’s letter is an example worth emulating—and given life’s tenuous nature, it’s never too soon to get to work on that first draft. The only problem is that few of us will depart with the accomplishments and public regard of a Jack Layton, so our letters may fall a little short as inspirational documents. For example, mine:
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When Mars really attacks
By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, August 23, 2011 at 10:20 AM - 11 Comments
How would Americans handle an alien invasion in this time of partisan rancour?
Everett Collection; Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute
Economist Paul Krugman has found a novel way to illustrate his view that more stimulus is required to jolt the U.S. economy to life. “If we discovered that space aliens were planning to attack,” he said on CNN, “and we needed a massive buildup to counter the space alien threat . . . this slump would be over in 18 months.”
So it has come to this: the best hope for the U.S. economy is that Independence Day turns out to be a documentary.
But is Krugman right? In a time of unprecedented partisan rancour, how would today’s America really respond to an interstellar invasion?
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James and the Giant Poo
By Scott Feschuk - Monday, August 15, 2011 at 9:20 AM - 11 Comments
Ah, the sweet rhapsodic letter home from an appreciative child at camp
Getstock; Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute
Many kids are currently off at summer camp, away from the lure of electronic devices and the strictures of personal hygiene—and far away from their parents, who yearn for correspondence from their children when not secretly delighting in their absence.
What follows in italics is an actual letter home from Algonquin Park from our 12-year-old son James. It is presented with its original spelling and grammatical errors. Commentary and analysis are provided for your edification. It begins:
One of the many things I am looking forward once I get home is a tolet that doesn’t get clogged so easily and when it gets clogged people don’t keep pooing in it until there is poo two inches over the water level.
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Hey kids, time to walk slowly past old stuff
By Scott Feschuk - Monday, August 8, 2011 at 10:05 AM - 8 Comments
FESCHUK: What’s a family vacation trip without a little culture jammed down the children’s throats
iStock; Getty Images; Photo illustration by Taylor Shute
After enduring the Spider-Man musical, which is neither good nor bad-good enough to warrant more words than these, we wandered through Central Park toward the Guggenheim Museum. It was time to get the kids some culture.
That’s a thing we’re supposed to do as parents: expose our children to “culture.” Enough of this having fun and enjoying everything we’re doing, kids—it’s time to walk slowly past some old stuff.
At the Louvre last summer, our family and every other tourist in Paris had the idea of heading straight for the Mona Lisa when the museum opened. At first we all walked casually. But the competitive instinct kicked in. Soon we were race-walking. Grown men were throwing out their elbows and grunting. Our boys charged ahead, weaving through the fading old ladies. They don’t remember anything about the painting but still talk about how they blew past a large Italian family on the final turn before the salon.
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Summer camp, Tea Party style
By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, July 28, 2011 at 1:30 PM - 8 Comments
What better way to build lasting memories than with a group reading of Atlas Shrugged?
iStock; Getty Images: Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute
Nothing beats the memories we make at summer camp. Leaping into a cold lake. Toasting marshmallows over a bonfire. Being lectured about how socialism erodes the ambition of the individual.
That last bit of good-time summer fun comes courtesy of the Tea Party, whose members in Tampa, Fla., recently organized a camp for children aged eight to 12. They called it Liberty School—and being a camper there answered certain questions (“How does government undermine my free will?”) while raising others (“Why are my parents doing this to me?”).
What could be more thrilling for a kid than to spend a summer’s day putting names to portraits of America’s founding fathers? What nine-year-old boy doesn’t dream of whiling away a sunny afternoon being subjected to a screed about the evils of the Federal Reserve? One assumes the ritual singing of Kumbaya was replaced with a group reading of Atlas Shrugged.
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Breaking news from the nether regions
By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, July 19, 2011 at 9:42 AM - 10 Comments
Scott Feschuk: Why should Anthony Weiner and DSK get all the attention?
Photo by Jenna Marie Wakani, Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute
Consider the male genital organ: it is essential for procreation, urination and losing one’s job as a congressman. Alas, the scandals of Anthony Weiner and Dominique Strauss-Kahn have overshadowed many other recent newsworthy events involving the penis. Let’s get caught up.
Newsflash! The female CEO of Archie Comics is being sued by her own company over repeated profane outbursts, including an incident in which she allegedly charged into a meeting and shouted, “Penis! Penis! Penis!” Obviously, this sort of lewd exclamation is unbecoming of a corporate executive—not to mention a surefire way of summoning the randy brother of Beetlejuice.
Archie Comic Publications filed suit against Nancy Silberkleit after receiving a private investigator’s report in which she comes off as a “foul-mouthed tyrant” prone to making frequent references to male genitalia. Apparently, the female CEO lacks certain mitigating qualities that would make her vulgarities more likely to be overlooked, such as being a male CEO.
Newsflash! What is the loudest creature on the planet relative to its size? A chirping cricket? A singing cicada? A self-aggrandizing Gary Bettman?Smaller than a thumbtack, an insect called the lesser water boatman has been found capable of producing mating calls of 99 decibels from its home at the bottom of rivers. According to Wired.com, the aquatic creature achieves its impressive din by rubbing its penis against the ridged surface of its abdomen—“like a wooden spoon against a washboard.” The process is considered a marvel of nature. It also just gave Charlie Sheen an idea for the world’s first X-rated jug band.
Apparently, the insect’s call is so thunderous because pursuit of females among its kind is intensely competitive—and only the loudest get the chance to mate. Though this same phenomenon is seen elsewhere in nature, including in certain species of birds and every episode of Jersey Shore, scientists remain uncertain precisely how the insect uses its crotch to attract such widespread attention. Unlocking the secret could be the key to designing future ultrasonic systems and Adam Sandler movies.
Newsflash! A British company has received European approval for a new condom that can enhance the male erection thanks to a gel that increases blood flow to the genital area. The gel—found in the condom’s tip—is formally considered an “erectogenic,” a designation conferred on certain pharmaceutical compounds and all of Scarlett Johansson’s movies. Side effects of the new condom are said to include rashes, inflammation and exploding penis.
Newsflash! Korean researchers have conducted a study in which they measured the finger and penile length of 144 men who had just been put under anaesthesia for urological surgery. Each penis was first measured flaccid—then was grasped, stretched and measured again. The study found conclusively that the men really enjoyed having their surgery.
It also found some science-type stuff. For instance, the researchers now claim you can tell a lot about the size of a man’s penis by comparing the length of his index finger to that of his ring finger. The lower the ratio, the longer the penis.
At this point, I would like to take a moment to welcome back to the column all the men who stopped reading just now to check the ratio of their fingers.
Dr. Tae Beom Kim of Gachon University did not hold back in reaching a conclusion from the data. “Based on the evidence, we suggest that digit ratio can predict adult penile size,” he said. The doctor formally announced his findings to two attractive blonds in a campus pub. Regardless of whether the findings hold up in men who are not Korean, the study is worth deeper consideration: specifically, considering what the person stuck with the ruler must have been thinking. I’m going to go with something along the lines of: Here I am, a highly educated scientist who dreamed of one day using my expertise to help cure cancer, but instead I am measuring the privates of the unconscious and pulling an all-nighter to run the data for the Wang/Finger Correlation Matrix. Oh well, at least I’m not the guy who has to stretch them out.
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Some PR advice for you ruthless despots
By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, July 12, 2011 at 9:25 AM - 0 Comments
How about a cameo as a lounge singer in Hangover 3?
iStock, Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute
News item: Between 2006 and 2009, Sir David Frost and others were paid a large consulting fee to try to improve the international image of Col. Moammar Gadhafi.
Memo: To All the World’s Dictators
From: Feschuk Worldwide Consulting & Backrubs
It’s a tough time to be a ruthless despot. Several of your kind have been hounded into exile or targeted by air strikes. Those who remain face a growing sense of anxiety and, even worse, increased odds of getting stuck beside Kim Jong Il at the next dictators’ brunch.
To ensure you’re not the next to be toppled, you could turn for help to a renowned public figure like David Frost. According to news reports, the famed broadcaster was paid £57,000 to help the Libyan leader become perceived as a “thinker and intellectual.” Alas, it’s tough to argue this was money well spent. Gadhafi is today viewed as a thinker in much the same way that Kim Kardashian is viewed as a petite.
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There’s still time to bring sexy back
By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, July 6, 2011 at 9:45 AM - 0 Comments
Scott Feschuk on how Ryan Reynolds can salvage his term as the Sexiest Man Alive
CP; ISTOCK; Getty Images; Photo illustration by Taylor Shute
There’s a big fuss every November when People magazine names its Sexiest Man Alive. Then the hype fades. No one bothers to monitor how His Sexcellency is coping under the pressure of this illustrious yet challenging office. No one except me, that is. Warning: intrepid journalism ahead.
We are past the midway point of Ryan Reynolds’s term as Sexiest Man Alive. What began amid such promise—with speeches filled with words like “hope,” “change” and “buttocks off which you could bounce a nickel”—now lies in sexy, sexy tatters.
Sensing weakness, rival contenders are already massing for this fall’s gruelling sexiness primaries—raising funds, filming attack ads (“Reynolds: soft on camouflage fleece!”) and putting on their shirts, so as to be better able to sexily remove them.
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A constant reminder of my failings
By Scott Feschuk - Friday, June 17, 2011 at 11:00 AM - 4 Comments
Scott Feschuk on how the to-do list is meant to organize your life, and yet it’s so easy to ignore
Photographs by Andrew Tolson; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute
A New York museum currently has on exhibit a number of mundane to-do lists left behind by the famous and the obscure. Consider it a wake-up call: if there’s even a small chance that any of our lists will one day wind up on public display, we need to start padding them with made-up tasks that will impress future generations—such as “Fistfight with bear” and “Rehearse with A. Jolie for sex Olympics.”
What’s striking about the exhibit is its simple truth—that over centuries of technological progress and changing social mores, there has endured one vexing constant: the eternal struggle to get one’s s–t together.
I could fill a museum wing with the sad artifacts of my failed attempts to stay on top of things. I have scrawled lists on the front of envelopes and on the backs of my hands. I have purchased daytimers pricey and cheap, large and tiny. Last year, I bought a nifty box that housed a separate little agenda for each month. Before the end of February, I had lost April.
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Some advice for the Weiners of this world
By Scott Feschuk - Friday, June 10, 2011 at 9:55 AM - 21 Comments
If you’re caught, don’t lie. It’s the worst thing you can do, other than that first thing you did.
Getty Images; Panos Pictures; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute
A timely word of advice to American politicians: don’t. Whatever you’re thinking of doing tonight, just don’t.
Don’t take a photograph of yourself—bare-chested and flexing the guns—and email it to a woman you just met through Craigslist.1 Don’t make use of high-priced hookers.2 Don’t make use of low-priced hookers.3 Don’t try to score in the stall of an airport men’s room because, wow, that is not very sanitary, sir.4
Don’t exchange 14,000 sexually explicit messages with your chief of staff.5 Don’t divorce your first wife while she’s in hospital recovering from surgery to remove a tumour.6 And don’t cheat on your second wife with your future third wife. One can support family values without having the most families.
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I fought the lawn, and the lawn won
By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, June 8, 2011 at 10:20 AM - 18 Comments
FESCHUK: Every year I dream of a verdant backyard, and I wind up a raving weed whacker
Getty Images; iStock; Photo illustration by Taylor Shute
This column has long dedicated itself to breaking important news, and I’m proud to continue that tradition with my latest shocking exclusive: there are, like, way more dandelions this year.
But it’s not merely their numbers that should alarm us—it’s their size. The ones in our yard are bigger than usual this spring. How much bigger? I’m pretty sure I saw a bunch of elves making cookies in one.
Let me be clear: I’m not trying to set off a nationwide panic—but over the weekend I stooped to yank out a particularly robust dandelion and it tried to reason with me. I ended up leaving it in place, where it has since acquired advanced motor skills and a hunger for human flesh.
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Time for your annual corporatoscopy
By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, May 24, 2011 at 9:15 AM - 6 Comments
Performance reviews are awkward, frightening and unpleasant. Let’s get started!
Getty Images; Photo illustration by Bradley Reinhardt
New research by a leading HR firm has found that employees dread one thing above all else in the workplace: the performance review.
HR: Come in, take a seat. So you are…
Employee: Oh, I’m a little nervous, I suppose.
No, your name.
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It's French for blockbuster
By Scott Feschuk - Monday, May 16, 2011 at 9:10 AM - 2 Comments
Looking for despair and anguish on the big screen? Then you’ll love Cannes.
- Getty Images; ISTOCK; Photo illustration by Bradley Reinhardt
The Cannes Film Festival is once again showcasing its usual fare of upbeat, crowd-pleasing entertainment. I’ve not entirely been paying attention, but here’s what’s playing so far as I can tell:
Despair and Isolation—Several orphans struggle to comprehend the human condition in a cruel world where the only constants are heartbreak and suffering. Running time: six hours.
Isolation, Despair and also Anguish—Several thinner orphans struggle to comprehend the human condition while wheezing in a crueller world where the only constants are heartbreak, suffering and their leprosy (the skin kind and the social kind). Running time: six hours.
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The Night of 1,000 Delusions
By Scott Feschuk - Friday, May 6, 2011 at 7:00 AM - 57 Comments
Layton imagined Harper would be psyched to meet with him to discuss NDP priorities. It was adorable.
Adrien Veczan/Reuters
The most surreal moment of election night 2011 took form as it became apparent to one and all that Jack Layton, leader of the Opposition, had lost his mind.
It’s well and good to celebrate a historic surge in one’s popular support. A wide smile and a jubilant bit of cane-waving are undoubtedly in order. But a few lines into Layton’s speech, a nation gaped as it grew clear the NDP leader had mistaken his moral victory for, you know, an actual victory. He seemed to labour under the impression that he would hold sway in the next Parliament. Indeed, Layton went so far as to imagine that Stephen Harper would be psyched to meet with him to discuss NDP priorities.
It was kind of adorable, like a kitten pawing at a vacuum. One envisioned Layton’s aides whispering between themselves:
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Osama bin Laden: the evolving account of what happened that night
By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, May 5, 2011 at 5:42 AM - 12 Comments
Scott Feschuk predicts the news
Sunday
Intense firefight lasting 45 minutes. Bin Laden engaged in said firefight. Used wife as human shield. Wife killed. Bin Laden ultimately shot fatally in head by Navy SEALS in close-quarters gun battle.
• • •
Monday
Pretty intense firefight “throughout the operation.” SEALS faced “heavy fire from [those] in the house.” No human shield – bin Laden’s wife wounded after being shot in leg while lunging at U.S. forces. Bin Laden himself unarmed; shot in head while potentially reaching for a rifle or explosives.
• • •
Wednesday
“Firefight” consisted of Navy SEALS being shot at by bin Laden courier in the guest house. Courier quickly killed, as was Osama’s brother, whom SEALS “believed was preparing to fire a weapon.” Osama bin Laden shot in head while standing in room where an AK-47 and a pistol were “in arm’s reach.”
• • •
Next Monday
No bullets fired at U.S. forces, but Navy SEALS pretty certain that bin Laden’s courier shot them a dirty look. U.S. forces engaged no fewer than Continue…
