NFL Picks Week 16: Come on feel the penultimateness!

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, December 23, 2010 at 11:29 AM - 2 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 9-6-1 Season: 112-87-9

Scott Reid Last week: 5-10-1 Season: 95-104-9

• • •

Carolina (plus 14) at Pittsburgh, Thursday night

Reid: I know that Pittsburgh will win this game. But can you imagine what would happen if they actually lost to the Panthers? I feel it would mean something significant for the universe. Like maybe just this once, the little guy could climb the podium. Like – I don’t know, it sounds crazy to say out loud – but part of me wonders if Carolina could go to Heinz Field in December and win this matchup then maybe the rest of us might see our dreams come true.

Pick: Pittsburgh.

Feschuk: I too long for a utopian future of abundant Beckinsales, but let’s face it: this’ll be yet another dog of a Thursday nighter. I’m not saying last Thursday’s game between the Niners and Chargers was tedious but midway through the second quarter, the following words were actually uttered by a man for the first time: “Well, I think I’m going to flip over to Grey’s Anatomy.” What’s weird is they were uttered by Joe Theismann, who was calling the game. Pick: Pittsburgh.

• • •

Dallas (minus 6.5) at Arizona, Saturday night

Feschuk: Do you despise your family? Sometimes it’s hard to know for sure. Happily, the NFL is here to help. You’ll know for certain that you hate your loved ones if you Continue…

NFL Picks Week 15: Like flipping a quarter, but with words

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, December 16, 2010 at 1:47 PM - 7 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 7-9 Season: 103-81-8

Scott Reid Last week: 8-8 Season: 90-94-8

•••

San Francisco (plus 9) at San Diego, Thursday night

Feschuk: Who can think about football at a time like this? SCARLETT JOHANSSON HAS DUMPED RYAN REYNOLDS! Naturally, I assume it’s because she’s been made aware of the things I’ve been writing about her in my Dream Journal. Our romantic strolls. Evenings spent cuddling beside the fire. That incident with the whipped cream and pork chops. Clearly, if Scarlett was interested only in surface beauty, she’d have stayed with the Sexiest Man Alive no matter what. So this must mean she’s looking for someone old, overweight and prone to sudden outbreaks of psoriasis and napping. Goddammit Reid, I don’t stand a chance against you. Pick: San Diego.

Reid: Sound analysis, Padawan. Obviously, she’s looking for a switch from the muscular but grapeless Ryan Reynolds. As the artful self portrait I sent Scar just this moment makes Continue…

NFL Picks Week 14: Peyton Manning would like his balls back, please

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, December 9, 2010 at 11:34 AM - 1 Comment

Scott Feschuk Last week: 10-6 Season: 103-81-8

Scott Reid Last week: 9-7 Season: 90-94-8

•••

Indianapolis (minus 3) at Tennessee, Thursday night

Reid: This game is like the old joke about two guys who spot a homely girl walking her dog: Too bad about the one you’re stuck with. After three consecutive losses and bizarrely awful play from Peyton Manning, the Colts are pretty much out of the playoff hunt. How bad are things? To balance their attack, Jim Caldwell announced that Martin Landau will start at running back this week. In Tennessee, they’d die to have Indy’s problems. Not since David Caruso walked off the set of NYPD Blue have we seen such an ostentatious display of quitting. A few weeks ago this team was 5-2. Since then it’s lost seventy-eleven games in a row, been blanked by Houston and started the entire cast of 90210 at quarterback (the original 90210, at least – turns out Ian Ziering can really sling that pigskin). Pick: Indianapolis (surely to God?!)

Feschuk: To prove that things somehow can get worse, there’s breaking news that Peyton Manning has just been charged with violating the league’s substance abuse policy. The substance in question was his head, which Manning kept pounding against a wall after last week’s game. No one who’s this good can stay this bad for much longer  – unless Manning has entered the Continue…

Julian Fantino’s correspondence as a child

By Scott Feschuk - Saturday, December 4, 2010 at 4:52 PM - 55 Comments

In the aftermath of today’s Globe story, a closer look at Conservative MP Julian Fantino’s formative years…

• • •

Dear Santa Claus,

You call this a sweater? Eight years I’ve worn sweaters. Eight. Years.

And you come at me with acrylic?

I would rather stare into the barrel of a loaded .45 than this garish shade of royal blue.

I am driven by three things: I know who I am, I know what I’m here to do and acrylic sucks arse. You just pushed the wrong buttons, red.

Bought into the whole jolly elf thing. Four minutes I spent sitting on the knee. Specific mentions made of natural fibers. And then this.

And all the nonsense about me Continue…

NFL Picks Week 13: Derek Anderson finds none of this funny

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, December 2, 2010 at 5:29 AM - 9 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 10-5-1 Season: 93-75-8

Scott Reid Last week: 7-8-1 Season: 81-87-8

•••

Houston (plus 7.5) at Philadelphia, Thursday night

Feschuk: The league’s ruling on Andre Johnson warrants a revisiting of what occurred on the field. Responding to the trash talk and rough play of Cortland Finnegan – the only NFL player whose name sounds like an Irish hotel chain – the Texans’ receiver ripped off Finnegan’s helmet and punched him repeatedly in the head and face.

To warrant a suspension by the NFL, Johnson would have had to do something truly heinous, such as wearing mismatched socks.

Johnson’s punishment? The exact same fine that Chad Ochocinco had to pay for tweeting too close to game time. It raises the question: what do you have to do to get suspended by the NFL? Do you have to actually murder a linebacker? Defile the corpse of a Hall of Famer? Fail to gently lower Tom Brady to the ground and tenderly kiss him on the forehead while sacking him? Pick: Philadelphia.

Reid: Am I the only one who thinks Andre Johnson deserves a bonus, not a fine? That yapping little Irish poodle got what was coming to him. I wish they’d taken an extra couple minutes to Continue…

NFL Picks Week 12: It’s time to give thanks and concussions

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, November 25, 2010 at 5:29 AM - 7 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 11-4-1 Season: 83-70-7

Scott Reid Last week: 9-6-1 Season: 74-79-7

•••

New England (minus 6.5) at Detroit, Thursday 12:30 p.m. ET

Reid: American Thanksgiving! A time for men in Canada to go missing from work while their American cousins celebrate a long-ago season of genocide. Football, too. Fittingly, it all began in New England. Which is where it will all end for Detroit. Tom Brady’s confidence has grown like his hair. Wild, tangled and irresistible. Detroit had a good little bit of momentum there with two wins and some close losses. But the party’s over. We’re having Lion - dark or white meat? Pick: New England.

Feschuk: Hold on to your giblets! (Or is that now airport security’s job?) About three-quarters of the Patriots’ roster is questionable for this game, including Tom Brady, who has a sore shoulder, a bum foot and a third-degree sprain of his smoldering gaze. Now what’s Tom Cruise supposed to watch on TV? Pick: New England.

•••

New Orleans (minus 3.5) at Dallas, Thursday 4:15 p.m.

Feschuk: The Saints have won three straight to revive their chances of returning to the Super Bowl. Meanwhile, the Cowboys have won two straight to revive their chances of not being hunted for sport in the off-season by Jerry Jones and his billionaire friends. Don’t think Jones is capable of it? The man did an extended cameo on the most recent season of Entourage, for God’s sake. Whatever humanity he once had in him is obviously long gone. Pick: New Orleans.

Reid: Everyone is waiting with bated breath to see if this week will mark  Continue…

NFL Picks Week 11: The pivotal 11/17th point of the season has arrived!

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, November 18, 2010 at 1:12 PM - 6 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 6-8 Season: 72-66-6

Scott Reid Last week: 4-10 Season: 65-73-6

NOW UPDATED!

•••

Chicago (plus 2) at Miami, Thursday night

Reid: With Chad Pennington and Chad Henne both battered and too injured to play, questions are swirling as to where the the Dolphins will find a new Chad able to quarterback their team by Thursday.

Chad Everett? Too toothy.

Chad Michael Murray? Too Continue…

NFL Picks Week 10: Two minutes of bewildered silence in memory of Wade Phillips

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, November 11, 2010 at 1:45 PM - 4 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 5-8 Season: 66-58-6

Scott Reid Last week: 7-6 Season: 61-63-6

Let us sum up the last couple weeks of our pigskin prognostication: Never before have two men (term used loosely) made such an awful series of decisions and not ended up in bed with Tara Reid.

Blake Lively pic used in place of Tara Reid pic for compassion-based reasons

•••

Baltimore (plus 1) at Atlanta, Thursday

Feschuk: It’s the last week of byes, the first week of Thursday night games and yet another week of Ed Reed making opposition quarterbacks poop themselves. (Three interceptions in two games this year; 49 now for his career.) In other news, I was skimming through the CBC website on my daily hunt for news of a Gordon Pinsent-Rita MacNeil sex tape (where are those Canadian content laws when you need them?) when I glimpsed the following headline: “Falcons, Ravens similar yet different.” That’s some good journalisming! These two teams are exactly the same except for being completely opposite. Indeed, the only way you can tell them apart – other than by the fact they’re wholly dissimilar in their identicalness – is that one wears a goatee like evil Spock. Let’s just hope to God that none of these players come into contact with one another during this game or the universe will surely be obliterated, putting an end to existence as we know it and the headaches of my car lease. Pick: Atlanta.

Reid: Matt Ryan is 17-1 in home games. He’s also six-foot-four, Irish as Lucky Charms and has a smile that  Continue…

NFL Picks Week 9: A rolling Moss has got no stones, or something

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, November 4, 2010 at 1:45 PM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 6-7 Season: 61-50-6

Scott Reid Last week: 8-5 Season: 54-57-6

Did you catch Scott Reid among the crowd at last week’s 49ers game in London? If not, don’t think any less of yourself – he was a little hard to pick out.

Let’s get picking in Week 9 of the National (dramatic pause) Football (dramaticer pause) Leeeeeeeeeeeague…

•••

Chicago (minus 3) at Buffalo (at the Rogers Centre, Toronto)

Feschuk: Only this blog has the exclusive transcript of the Buffalo Bills braintrust deliberating whether to claim Randy Moss and/or Shawne Merriman off waivers…

Coach Chan Gailey So I guess what it comes down to is if we’ll be competitive enough in the future to justify the salaries that Moss­­ or Merriman will–

GM Buddy Nix Is it warm in here? It feels warm in Continue…

NFL Picks Week 8: He’s just like a kid we all want to punch in the face out there

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, October 29, 2010 at 5:49 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 10-4 Season: 55-43-6

Scott Reid Last week: 6-8 Season: 46-52-6

Note to readers: Given his prognostic performance of late, Scott Reid has decided to go out for Halloween dressed as the NFC West.

•••

Denver (plus 1) v. San Francisco (in London, England)

Feschuk: In what must surely be payback against Britain for Coldplay, the NFL has dispatched overseas the least distinguished collection of gridiron talent assembled since I took my Nerf football to chess club. What better way to market the game internationally than to showcase one team that gave up 59 points to an offence led by Jason Campbell and another whose coach has decided to start Troy Smith at quarterback, because obviously THAT will solve everything? (I think I’ve figured out why Mike Singletary wears that big cross around his neck while coaching – but the joke’s on him, because everyone who’s seen Twilight knows a cross will only prevent him from getting fired by Al Davis.) Come four o’clock on Sunday afternoon, let’s all join together and watch as the 49ers-Broncos game winds down in London and Roger Goodell is taken away in shackles to the Hague to face charges of crimes against humanity’s eyeballs. Pick: Denver.

Reid: I really like this Troy Smith move. Very shrewd. Go to the untested and unskilled guy over the former No. 1 pick and veteran of some 75 starts. It also pre-conditions perfectly the inevitable decision to bench Frank Gore in favour of Wayne Rooney. This game is going to do for American football what Henry VIII did for the Catholic church. Expect Wembley Stadium to be the site of the world’s Continue…

NFL Picks Week 7: “The worst is the pinching. You wouldn’t expect it.”

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, October 22, 2010 at 6:01 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 7-5-2 Season: 45-39-6

Scott Reid Last week: 6-6-2 Season: 40-44-6

Got a mass email from the Buffalo Bills this week headlined, “Wang tries hand at guard.” It’s about time Favre’s penis got back to work.

Let’s get picking for Week 7…

•••

Cincinnati (plus 3.5) at Atlanta

Feschuk: Big changes in the NFL this week – including a vow to enforce fines and suspensions for head shots, devastating hits, unnecessary canoodling, wet willies and failing to promptly send the quarterback a handwritten note of thanks after an interception. These panicky reforms have led to criticism that American football has become overly pansified. But in the league’s defence, it’s still two-hand touch, right? The Falcons have underperformed of late but I’m going to pick them because this is the new NFL and no one Continue…

NFL Picks Week 6: Brett Favre has something he'd like to show you

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, October 15, 2010 at 5:32 AM - 0 Comments

It’s his moxie. His moxie!

Scott Feschuk Last week: 7-7 Season: 38-34-4

Scott Reid Last week: 5-9 Season: 34-38-4

•••

San Diego (minus 8.5) at St. Louis

Feschuk: San Diego had two punts blocked last week against Oakland and I know I’m not alone in blaming Michael Ignatieff. Get off your goddamn bus and block a man, eyebrows! The New York Times is calling San Diego “the best 2-3 team you’ll ever see,” and you can understand why: the Chargers are first in the league in offence, second in defence and third behind only Dallas and Minnesota in coaches who during critical late-game moments look as though they’re Continue…

Harper's face: lit from below by flashlight since 2006

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, October 14, 2010 at 4:53 PM - 0 Comments

Now up on the website: my column from last week’s mag – on Harper, fear and hobnobbing hoity-toits.

Ignatieff: No. 1 with a bullet

By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, October 13, 2010 at 8:43 AM - 0 Comments

Sometimes it’s hard to keep track so…

Top 10 Conservative Talking Points

For the Week Ending Oct. 15, 2010

LW      TW      Spin

-            1            Ignatieff to blame for Security Council defeat, dinner being ruined, everything else ever.

1            2            The coalition? The future’s greatest monster.

5            3            Michael Ignatieff. Not a Canadian. Not a leader. Needlessly Continue…

The Legend of the Iggy

By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, October 12, 2010 at 4:37 PM - 0 Comments

Never laid eyes on it myself, you understand. But I heard the tales.

We all heard the tales.

Twenty-foot tall if it was a foot. Voice like thunder. Glowed from the inside, some say.

From the inside.

Them creatures of the forest – your squirrels and deer and such – they’d sense its presence. They could feel it a-comin’. Feel it in their bones, right? And, well, heh heh – you ain’t never seen Continue…

Caption challenge for a long weekend

By Scott Feschuk - Saturday, October 9, 2010 at 7:44 AM - 0 Comments

WINNER: Honourable mentions to MostlyCivil, craigola and Jeff Rose-Martland. Our winner is WDM, for his entry below. WDM, send me an email and a prize shall descend upon you.

•

David Akin started this on Twitter, but let’s pile on. Captionize this photo of our Prime Minister – an actual prize awaits the actual winner.

*sigh* For the LAST time Mr. Prime Minister, I am NOT Rahim Jaffer.

NFL Picks Week 5: The Unbearable Misery of Bills' Tailgating

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, October 7, 2010 at 3:21 PM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 6-8 Season: 31-27-4

Scott Reid Last week: 7-7 Season: 29-29-4

•••

St. Louis (plus 3) at Detroit

Reid: At 2-2, the Surging Rams (dibs on that name if ever we form a pro-wrestling tag team) are the class of the NFC West thanks to my can’t-win-no-how 49ers. And yet, against the 0-4 Lions, they will get points. Does that seem fair? Sure, Detroit put Green Bay through their paces. Sure Shaun Hill (who couldn’t complete a sentence in San Francisco) played well last week. And sure, Ndamukong Suh was named Dr. Bruce Banner until he was caught in that gamma radiation blast. But the Rams are rolling and playing confident football. Statistically, they’re better than the Lions in every major category – including coaches with unexpected vowels. This could be a hard-fought matchup between two improving losers. Not unlike us. Pick: St. Louis.

Feschuk: I’m buying into the Lions. I realize that’s an almost indefensible position to take, so let me distract you from my remark with this bold prediction: Miami coach Tony Sparano will be Continue…

Harper FAQs

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, October 7, 2010 at 1:27 PM - 0 Comments

My column from last week’s magazine offers up some helpful advice for Stephen Harper’s incoming chief of staff. And all I now ask in return is a significant portion of his fabulous riches? Is that so unreasonable?

NFL Picks Week 4: THIS GUY Jon Gruden is becoming intolerable

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, September 30, 2010 at 9:08 PM - 0 Comments

Welcome to Can’t Miss NFL Picks and Other Lies, with Maclean’s columnist Scott Feschuk and Scott Reid, former senior advisor to Prime Minister Paul Martin.

Scott Feschuk Last week: 8-8 Season: 25-19-4

Scott Reid Last week: 7-9 Season: 22-22-4

•••

Cincinnati (minus 3.5) at Cleveland

Feschuk: Reading the stats page isn’t sufficient – you have to actually watch Carson Palmer’s passes with your own eyes. Either he’s missing his receiving targets by a wide margin or the invisible 12-foot-tall wideout to whom he’s throwing has got a bad case of butterfingers. Eric Mangini is 0-3 but with some luck he could be 3-0 and with some luck and ball gag he could be 3-0 and tolerable to be around. Cleveland wins this one outright. You heard me. Pick: Cleveland.

Reid: I love it when you drink in the afternoon. You come up with the craziest ideas. Cleveland winning outright is right up there with a relaunch of Hawaii 5-0 or hosting the Commonwealth Games in New Delhi. At least the Games will be over in a couple weeks. As for Mangini, he’s so deeply boned that he might as well change his first name to Paris. Pick: Cincinnati.

•••

Denver (plus 6.5) at Tennessee

Reid: Kyle Orton threw 57 passes for 476 yards last week. And still lost. That’s like barbecuing an entire cow and Continue…

NFL Picks Week 3: The Bills are who we thought they were

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, September 24, 2010 at 6:36 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week 7-8-1 Season: 17-11-4

Scott Reid Last week 7-8-1 Season: 15-13-4

Welcome to Week 3 at Can’t Miss NFL Picks and Other Lies. We would like to state for the record that despite what you saw last week, we have no intention of crudely luring people into our football-based blog by displaying photographs of random attractive ladies unless their appearance herein holds measurable educational value. Because that would be wrong.

Above: Minka Kelly demonstrates an effective method of avoiding shin splints.

• • •

Tennessee (plus 3) at New York Giants

Reid: Surgeon General’s Warning: watching this game could lead to death from Blood Dulling. This rare but always deadly disorder afflicts those so impassive that their blood simply quits caring – and circulating. Often misdiagnosed, this affliction was jointly recognized by the CMA and AMA last year after a mysterious rash of deaths among Nicholas Sparks readers. Vince Young will start. Or not. Who cares? Giants will run. And gain a yard each play. It will slowly drain your interest and flatten your arteries. Kerry Collins? Are you kidding me? What – Betty White was booked? Pick: New York.

Feschuk: It’s a relief to know my current symptoms could be Blood Dulling brought on by watching last week’s Steelers-Titans game (barely 200 passing yards combined) and not the even deadlier Brain Dulling, brought on by reading Ezra Levant’s Twitter feed. Pick: Tennessee.

• • •

Buffalo (plus 13) at New England

Feschuk: Trent Edwards is out and Continue…

Reading between the lines of Jim Flaherty's speech

By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, September 22, 2010 at 5:46 AM - 0 Comments

Minister of Finance Jim Flaherty makes a speech at the Canadian Club of Ottawa at the Chateau Laurier in Ottawa on Tuesday Sept. 21, 2010. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Sean Kilpatrick

The speaker: Jim Flaherty, Finance Minister

The venue: Canadian Club of Ottawa

The date: Sept. 21, 2010

•••

It’s a pleasure to address this well informed and distinguished group of opinion leaders.

The Prime Minister sends his regards. [Extends middle finger.]

•••

The fall session of Parliament has just started.

It’s a good time for some serious, frank talk.

We have some important choices to make.

Choices like: should I adapt my speaking style to the audience I’m appearing before, and include more than nine words in some of my sentences? Or should I speak to this “well-informed and distinguished group of opinion leaders” in the same clipped manner most people reserve for domesticated animals?

•••

We’ve gone through an extraordinary time the past two years.

A synchronized recession, the deepest since the Depression.

You could tell the recession was synchronized because it Continue…

NFL Picks Week Two: Rise of the 53 Packages!

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, September 17, 2010 at 11:46 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 10-3-3

Scott Reid Last week: 8-5-3

Twelve more of these, and we'll have made up for last week's pic of Reid.

Pittsburgh (plus 5) at Tennessee

Feschuk: It’s overreaction Sunday! Let’s all overreact based on what we witnessed last weekend. The 49ers are terrible! Michael Vick should be a starting quarterback! Brett Favre prefers his Metamucil served with a straw! And the Titans are an unstoppable force of nature, like tornados or my hatred for that Papa John guy! I like Tennessee, and I like Chris Johnson, and I like the scent of lavender (not relevant in this context, probably) but I think this spread is too big given how well the Steelers’ D played last week. Let’s see how Vince Young handles coverage and pressure. (Prediction: three interceptions, two girlish screams.) Pick: Pittsburgh.

Reid: Overreaction Sunday! It’s right up there with Hungover Monday or Keep Your Hands To Yourself, Creep Wednesday. I share your analysis: The Steelers D looked pretty solid and I remain far from sold on Vince Young. He has all the emotional durability of Joaquin Phoenix. I say this is a gimme. Take these points, splash some lavender behind your lobes and prepare to be a winner. Pick: Pittsburgh.

•••

K.C. (plus 2) at Cleveland

Reid: When I saw this line I assumed it had to be the work of those guys who designed the antenna for the iPhone 4. It’s that incompetent. Of course, my theory could never be correct. Steve Jobs had those guys skinned alive and Continue…

Mailbag: Criticism, Dilton Doiley, Serbian testicles

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, September 16, 2010 at 9:27 AM - 0 Comments

Welcome to the Mailbag, where I never said which Wednesday, did I? And just like that I’m ahead of deadline. Your move, expectations.

(Sorry for the delay in getting the Mailbag up but I was wasting time yesterday on TVTattle.com when I saw the headline about the stars of Big Bang Theory now earning $350,000 per episode. What happened after that is still a blur – I think I passed out. Granted, $350,000 a week is just threesome money for Charlie Sheen, but I guess it kind of shocked me that you can earn that much for portraying an unappealing, humourless nerd. I mean, the guy from Weezer does it for free.)

The following questions were actually submitted by actual readers. And remember – there’s no such thing as a stupid question, unless you’re asking it of Kory Teneycke, who’s not taking your questions, stupid media people who are all stupid!

•••

Dear Scott:

I wonder, if Stevie was able to transport himself into the body of Jesus, much as if it were some sort of political vacuum, what kinds of wacky things would he do in the hoods of OG Israel back in the day? What would he use his awesome powers for? Whom would he smite? Who would be smoten through his smotifying powers? What miracles would he work? What paradoxical parables would prudently pass from his piehole? – Jason G.

Jason G. –

One of the more highly contentious aspects of religion and human belief in an Continue…

How about a Mailbag?

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, September 13, 2010 at 7:13 AM - 0 Comments

All questions answered, except for the ones I ignore.

Insert queries below. Mailbag to possibly come Wednesday maybe.