Caption Challenge Vol. 2, No. 6: Vote Now

In a recent issue of Maclean’s, and then later here on the Interwebs, I challenged readers to test their abilities at the sacred, time-honoured skill of wasting time on frivolous challenges. Many responded. Dozens seemed to put an awful lot of thought into it. Several included detailed footnotes.

Here’s how it worked: Readers were presented with a list of Super Bowl XLIV “over-under” propositions. They were invited to forecast whether the actual tally would be over or under the benchmark I had set.

Below, you’ll find the results from Sunday’s broadcast, followed by the dramatic Naming of the Winner.

As indicated in the terms of the challenge itself, I offer no proviso for recounts, no forum for complaints and no capacity for love. If I decree that five cheerleader navels were visible over the course of Super Bowl XLIV, then that’s how many navels were visible. (That’s a bad example in that I’m pretty sure I got that particular category correct.)

A final note: I want to offer a special thanks to all who sent along kind words about my writing while placing their entry. I’ve yet to decide whether these “thanks” extend to the fellow who said my column is the first thing he reads on the toilet each Friday.

And now, the results:

1. Number of times, during the singing of the Star-Spangled Banner, that the performer does one of those Continue…

NOTE: The outcome of the Maclean’s Super Bowl XLIV Over/Under Challenge will be posted here sometime this afternoon after the results are compiled and a winner declared by the accounting firm of I Can’t Believe I Have to Do This Myself.

Hey, look: It’s Finance Minister Jim Flaherty, left, up there in Iqaluit for the big meeting of the G7 finance ministers. Your task: Come up with an amusing caption for this photograph. Your potential reward: a Continue…

10:03 a.m. ET Five hundred and eight minutes before kickoff, ESPN’s four-hour pre-pre-game show opens, and within mere seconds there’s the sound of… horns… violins… oh my God they couldn’t already be going to Well of Over-the-Topness, could they?… and suddenly a graphic on the screen: “Every Ring Has a Story, Narrated by Andy Garcia.” That sound we hear – could that be a… lute? Cue the images of old-timey football. “Every ring has a story, a story carved in gold,” Garcia says, slowly, verrrrrrry slowly, like a supervillain in a Bond movie or Kevin from The Office. “A story adorned in gems – 43 histories of kings, and the crowns they’ve worn upon their hands.” Easy, dude – leave some forced gravitas for later in the day.

10:20 Panel discussion on Dwight Freeney’s ankle, the most talked-about body part in America this week, having finished slightly ahead of Sarah Palin’s hand and Tiger Woods’ naughty bit. A consensus emerges: the ankle is either going to be sore or it’s not, and it’s either going to be a huge factor or no factor or possibly a minor factor. With intel that solid, is there even any reason left to play the game?

10:33 We’re told the NFL has spent $6-million on security for the Super Bowl to ensure “an incident-free event.” And yet no one has raised a finger to stop Mike Ditka from assaulting the English language.

11:01 Panel discussion about Peyton Manning. Tragedy strikes when so many complimentary adjectives are used up that we’re temporarily left with no way to describe Scarlett Johansson’s body.

11:08 Feature on Indianapolis fan whose goal is to tattoo onto his body the autographs of all 53 members of the 2007 Super Bowl-winning Colts. He’s currently at 32. “When Tony Dungy agreed to sign my left shoulder, that’s the point I realized Continue…

I’ve long suspected this to be true, but now it has been confirmed: Stephen Harper is less popular than an onion ring.

Although, to be fair, the Prime Minister has not had time to unleash his negative advertising campaign:

[Sinister music. Deep voice. Grainy footage of a deep fryer.]

Onion rings.

They’re round.

Know what else was round?

Hitler’s head.

The Facebook Onion Ring: Exactly like Hitler.

* Be sure to enter our Super Bowl Challenge, located here.

Scott Feschuk Last games 0-2 Playoffs 5-5 Season 131-129-6

Scott Reid Last games 1-1 Playoffs 5-5 Season 133-127-6

Reid: Let’s begin by looking back at Media Day at the Super Bowl, the sort of cringe-worthy spectacle of excess that makes one wonder if maybe Thomas Malthus was on to something. It’s a guilty pleasure,  stripped of all pleasure.

This year’s particular highlights were Continue…

• The purpose of prorogation was to allow the government to prepare a new Throne Speech and a budget. It was not to reduce the amount of time that the House sits.

• The government had planned all along to cancel the spring break for MPs.

• This is not a reaction to our declining poll numbers and the public’s opposition to the Prime Minister’s decision to prorogue Parliament.

• No, seriously.

• Seriously, it totally isn’t. Honest.

• Why are you Continue…

Welcome to the Tuesday Mailbag on Wednesday, where we’re still not sure what the hell happened last night on Lost (two Jacks? are we sure the space-time continuum can survive that much eye moisture?) but we are sure of one thing: it’s hard to imagine anything as funny as the Lost clip show that traditionally proceeds the season premiere. Believe me – I know a little bit about funny, in that a) I get paid to write a “humour” column, and b) I’ve seen Stephen Harper in a T-shirt. And nothing – with the possible exception of Stephen Harper in a T-shirt – is as hilarious as trying to picture a Lost virgin sitting down and thinking to himself, “Okay, I’m going to invest an hour in this thing and then I’ll be completely up to speed for the final season.”

Plane crash. Island. Polar bear. Flirting. Smoke monster. Crazy French chick. Mysterious billionaire. Mysterious energy pocket. Mysterious code that apparently saves the world, unless it doesn’t. Shipwreck. Mercenaries. Explosions. Big stone foot. Death. More death. DEATH. Mascara Eyeliner Guy. Time travel. Nosebleeds. Hippies. Book club. Hydrogen Bomb. Boom. Go.

The queries below were submitted by readers. Remember – there are no stupid questions, except for the question of whether that Toyota hurtling toward you in your rear view mirror is going to stop in time.

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Dear Scott:

Wherry’s writing about American Idol, and presumably has to watch it to do so. Did he tell Coyne he didn’t like proportional representation or something? What gives? – WDM

WDM –

This is kind of awkward, so come on over here out of earshot. I don’t want Wherry to hear.

[Whispering.] Okay, listen. Here’s the thing. Late last year, Aaron was getting pretty upset about rumours of prorogation. The thought of having to go three whole months without a daily forum in which to describe John Baird as an arrogant gas-sack – frankly, it gave him the shakes. It affected him mentally, if you catch my drift. He kept coming up to Wells, looking for reassurance.

Aaron: Tell us about the Parliament, Paul.

Paul: Aww, Aaron, come Continue…

Got a question for tomorrow’s Mailbag? Put it in the comments below, email it to scott.feschuk@macleans.rogers.com or think it really, really hard. Harder!

Hang on. In my mind I’m seeing the image of a pretzel. Is your question about pretzels?? What on earth could you possibly want to know ab—

Oh, wait, I’m eating pretzels.

Think harder!!

UPDATE @ 2 p.m. ET: In a photo finish, Not Stephen Colbert edges out Shakois by a handful of votes to become the Caption Challenge’s first two-time winner. Congratulations, NSC. Prizery coming your way. And thanks to all for playing, reading and voting.

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Some fine work, captioneers. I’ve expanded the list of finalists to six and, still, several high-quality entries have been left on the cutting room floor, along with Kevin Costner’s scenes from The Big Chill and, in my dreams, Vince Vaughn’s scenes from pretty much every movie since Swingers.

The winner, as declared by a jury of y’all all y’all, will receive an Amazon.ca gift certificate courtesy of Feschuk.Reid, a speechwriting and communications firm that works with blue-chip corporations, leading political figures and motivated domestic pets with an agenda. Feschuk.Reid: Look Ma, no cavities! (Voting closes at 2 p.m. ET.)

A note: People, let us not get too sensitive about the pluses and the minuses and so forth.  If someone “minuses” your caption entry, it doesn’t mean he or she doesn’t like you. This isn’t high school. (I know it’s not high school because I didn’t spent three hours yesterday skipping class to play euchre.) The minuser is merely indicating that Continue…

Is this photograph new, or even newish? Don’t think so. Don’t care. It has more comic potential in its little finger than Stockwell Day has in his entire murse (not counting the makeup mirror).

Entries today. Voting tomorrow. Then the bestowing of the prize.

ALSO: No Mailbag this Wednesday, as I’m giving a speech this week and really need to get cracking on it. (If only I knew a speechwriter who could help…) However, you could pretend to ask about new airport security restrictions and accept this as my answer. Or you could ask, “Could you please direct me a news story about a strange person who, to my surprise, does not turn out to be Andy Dick?” And I’d say, sure, here you go.

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UPDATE @ 2 p.m.(ish) ET: WDM captures the support of more than 30% of voters, despite making them mentally picture Peter Van Loan having sex. Unexpected. But congratulations, WDM, and well done! Email me at scott.feschuk@macleans.rogers.com and I’ll send off your prize via the magical tubes of the Interwebs.

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Let me begin with an important note to those whose entries were not selected for this week’s Caption Challenge: Yes, I know your caption was funnier. And yes, it is a conspiracy against you. EVERYTHING IS A CONSPIRACY AGAINST YOU!

In other news, it’s time to vote. Five finalists await your review and judgment below. The winner, based on your votes as of 2 p.m. ET, will receive an Amazon.ca gift certificate courtesy of Feschuk.Reid, which next month will celebrate its fourth anniversary – an achievement that would not have been possible without the support of the fine people of Canada, who voted us out of our old jobs in the first place. Feschuk.Reid: The Ultimate Driving Machine.

The finalists:

- “Peter Van Loan introduces the newest Tory Senator, Jimmy, who has promised to resign on his 9th birthday, and to do whatever the nice man in the sweater asks of him.” – Lord Kitchener’s Own

- “To my high school year book editors, who said I was most likely to Continue…

Forgive the quality of the picture (it’s a screen grab) and the quality of the minister (it’s a Van Loan.)

None of this should stop you from regarding this image from outside Rideau Hall and making with the funny.

Scott Feschuk Last week 1-3 Playoffs 5-3 Season 131-127-6

Scott Reid Last week 3-1 Playoffs 4-4 Season 132-126-6

Permit us to take a moment to quietly celebrate the new contracts given to Wade Phillips and Norv Turner. Now if a few stubborn owners would just sign Andy Reid’s girth, Brad Childress’s beard and Tom Cable’s blank stare to five-year extensions, all our jokes for next season will have already written themselves.

OK, on to the games…

New York Jets (plus 7.5) at Indianapolis, Sunday, 3 p.m. ET

Reid: Are you like me? Have you had enough of the Rex Ryan love-in? Judging by this week’s media love-clench, you’d think he’d just been pushed out of his job by Jay Leno. He’s the George C. Chickenhawk of the NFL. Calling on all comers. Shooting his mouth off. Sticking out his belly. (Ok, that one’s not a put-on). Here’s the thing about this game: Indy cannot lose. Can. Not. Lose. And they will not lose. Rex Ryan’s team could barely beat some guy named Painter when the whole season was on the line. Against Manning, they’ll be fish food. Revis can only cover one receiver at a time and Manning is too fast off the blitz. By the end of the first half, Sanchez is going to look Bill Daily from I Dream of Jeannie: stumbling, stammering comic relief. (Although Daily did his best work on the Bob Newhart Show – much like Sanchez did his best work at USC). Pick: Indianapolis (by a mile).

Feschuk: This is no time for your precious “logic.” After Sunday, we’ve got two whole weeks until the Super Bowl – two long weeks of press conferences and media days, interrupted only by the three-hour patch of comedy relief known as the Pro Bowl (starring Vince Young and – by the time all the Super Bowl contenders and “injured” players drop out – JaMarcus Russell, Jim Plunkett and the chick who played Blossom). And who would you rather be stuck with for those two interminable weeks before the big game? The quick-witted, fast-talking, over-confident Rex Ryan or Jim “Someone Swears They Saw Him Blink Last Tuesday” Caldwell? I love Continue…

Welcome to the Tuesday Mailbag on Wednesday, where humourless religious reactionaries are encouraged to react to the reference to God herein by ensuring their response is wildly out of proportion, that it misses the point entirely and that it wishes upon the author an eternity of hellfire and damnation. (A question of my own: Could I request a recurring loop of The Nanny in hell, or do I have to actually sit next to Fran Drescher?)

Remember – there are no stupid questions, except for the question of whether Barack Obama is boned.

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Dear Scott:

Pat Robertson’s been in the news for saying that stuff about Haiti and the devil and whatever. It reminded me: Don’t you usually tell us about Pat Robertson’s annual conversation with God. Did God stand him up this year? I NEED TO KNOW. – Darren V.

Darren –

I was a little disappointed by Robertson’s most recent chitchat with The Man Upstairs. Usually, Pat’s God can be relied upon for at least one high-impact, attention-grabbing, pants-wettingly terrifying prediction: a high-casualty terrorist attack on American soil, a devastating hurricane conjured as payback for letting some gays have spouses, a reboot of the Rambo franchise starring Andy Dick.

But not this year. This year, during His annual Christmastime chinwag with Pat, the Big Guy apparently said only that “there is a Continue…