Caption challenge: bin Laden death shot

By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, May 3, 2011 at 3:17 PM - 75 Comments

WINNER DECLARED: Inspired efforts from TheTigerTrainer, marikawashchyshyn, Catelli, Guy Smiley and bergkamp, among others, but I’m awarding victory to MaggiesFarmboy for: “And people said there was not enough French in my speech… ” Flip me an email (scott.feschuk@macleans.rogers.com) and I shall direct a prize yonder way!

And once again: I’m so, so sorry.

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Just kidding, people. KIDDING.

However…

I do have something for you. There IS a caption challenge.

But I warn you: it’s pretty gross.

Some may even call it unsettling. Powerfully so.

People of the internets, only those with the strongest and most robust of constitutions are advised to continue to scroll down to the disturbing image in question…

CONSIDER YOURSELVES WELL AND TRULY WARNED…

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• Continue…

Reading between the lines of Harper’s statement on bin Laden

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, May 2, 2011 at 6:16 AM - 49 Comments

Stephen Harper’s statement on the killing of Osama bin Laden was written in haste, obviously – but it was an important moment, and Harper felt compelled to speak, so let’s take a look.

•••

On September 11, 2001, twenty-four Canadians were murdered in the Al Qaeda attack on the World Trade Centre. The death of Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, reported today by President Obama, secures a measure of justice for these Canadians and their families.

There are old jokes about how the Toronto Star would report on a global apocalypse: “Armageddon snarls Metro traffic!” That’s how Harper comes off here. It’s all and only about Canada. He couldn’t maybe slip in an “among thousands of others” after his reference to the 24 Canadians who were killed?

Bin Laden’s death does not end the threat of international terrorism. Sadly, others will take his place.

I understand that Harper has built his campaign on reminding us the world is scary, troubles lapping at our shores, laplaplappitylap, etc. And he’s right of course that others will rise. But this seems to rather Continue…

Sun News Network: Hard News. Straight Talk. Short Skirts.

By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, April 19, 2011 at 5:08 AM - 344 Comments

Sun News Network launched yesterday with a half-hour “pre-game show” in which we were introduced to some of the on-air talent and their thighs. “They said it couldn’t be done and boy were they wrong,” anchor Krista Erickson declared – although to be fair, I’m pretty sure what they actually said was “It shouldn’t be done.” Still, it’s done now.

If you didn’t see the launch, you can watch some of the buildup while simultaneously watching this random guy watch it and talk over the national anthem for some reason:

You’re probably thinking that an upstart news network would hire a bunch of dull, uncurious people and set them to work on stories that no one cares about. But not Sun News! Sun does things differently. Curious reporters! Stories people care about! Eat that, status quo. One reporter emphasized that she’d be interviewing people “in the middle” of the day’s big news stories, proving yet again that the mainstream networks get it wrong with their stubborn allegiance to News Gathering From the Distant Periphery.

Other apparent guiding philosophies of Sun News:

• People in the West think differently from people in Toronto and Ottawa.
• Free speech? Good.
• Political correctness can suck it.

Pat Bolland, a broadcast veteran, is one of the Sun News personalities. He pledged that his new program, The Roundtable, which he’ll co-host with Alex Pierson and his moustache, would be a “breakfast show with bite.” That seemed to be description enough, but Bolland decided to Continue…

Say cheese with Stephen Harper

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, April 14, 2011 at 7:45 AM - 60 Comments

What a moment.

I never thought that I – a regular, ordinary Canadian – would get the chance to have my photo taken with the Prime Minister of Canada.

But as luck and crass political calculation would have it, he’s eager to be seen with me! All I have to do is attire myself in such a manner as to flamboyantly display my heritage, thereby rendering me a subhuman prop that Stephen Harper can exploit to woo more of my kind.

Needless to say, I’m in.

As is true of much national folklore garb, it can take quite a while to get into my ethnic costume. Each item has been carefully selected to represent a historic and sacred element relating to my suitably exotic but non-threatening culture.

Join me, won’t you, as I get dressed.

Boxers. This simple undergarment serves as solemn commemoration of the triumphs of my ancestors, who bravely rebelled against the tyranny of Continue…

Stephen Harper’s lessons in strategery

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, April 1, 2011 at 5:19 AM - 107 Comments

To run a disastrous election campaign, it’s important to get things off on the wrong foot as quickly as possible. Maybe stand outside Rideau Hall and ensure that potential voters see you as inexplicably angry and, frankly, kind of paranoid. That should do the trick. Elect me or the sinister coalition will put fluoride in our precious bodily fluids! Try to sound vaguely unhinged.

You’re off and flailing. But you’re going to want to build on that by making sure your flagship policy announcement – the first thing you put in the window for Canadians – won’t take effect for several years, and only if a bunch of other stuff happens. This is crucial. You want to lure people in with a tempting-sounding tax change, and then you hit them with the “… see you in 2016ish. Psyche!” This will keep the opposition off guard – they’ll never know what you’re going to promise to which generation of future Canadians.

With the policy miscue out of the way, it’s important to Continue…

Essential Budget Terms

By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, March 22, 2011 at 5:47 AM - 7 Comments

For all the luckless reporters heading into the lockup to read the budget, write their stories and listen to Andrew Coyne make his tut-tutting sounds, I dust off the list of Essential Budget Terms – as taken from Finance Canada – that I’ve been adding to over the years.

Alternative Minimum Tax The little-known process by which you can “pay your taxes” by allowing auditors to make out with your daughter.

Balance of Payments The formal term for rushing out to buy a new plasma after your wife admits she blew $600 on shoes.

Benchmark Bond The little-known brother of the famous spy, he was killed in a tragic securitization mishap.

Canada Foundation for Innovation Frankly, I’m not sure what this is, but I’m pretty confident we can rule out Stephen Harper’s barber as a member.

Capital Tax Compared with people in some other countries Canadians do not pay tax, they pay TAX.

Coercive Tied Selling The setting of unethical conditions, such as Continue…

Surprise random mailbag

By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, March 9, 2011 at 5:41 AM - 61 Comments

Lots going on in the world. Libya. Wisconsin. Plus my dog has decided that Nerf gun darts constitute a canine food group.

Queries? Insert them below.

Bev Oda stops off for a bite to eat on the way home

By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, March 1, 2011 at 8:42 PM - 25 Comments

McDonald’s clerk: Would you like fries with that, ma’am?

/ John Baird bursts through the door

Baird: The minister has been very clear that she made the decision NOT to have fries. This is the kind of responsibility that ministers are expected to exercise at every meal, and the minister has made the decision. The minister made the right decision. She made the correct decision. I believe she made the courageous decision and Continue…

Doug Finley did a good job on those attack ads, Doug Finley says

By Scott Feschuk - Saturday, February 26, 2011 at 9:29 AM - 81 Comments

The Globe is ON IT this morning. Two Conservative senators face charges of breaking election laws and the intrepid Jane Taber is there to interview one of them… about what he watches on TV and the nice stained glass windows in his East Block office.

We need to get Taber and Gadhafi in the same desert tent. Moammar, the world will stand for your lies no longer: Those long, lush eyelashes can’t possibly be natural.

A couple weeks back, Taber gave us the mesmerizing scoop on Continue…

Dear Radiohead: Funny prank, guys, but where’s the REAL new album?

By Scott Feschuk - Sunday, February 20, 2011 at 10:07 AM - 52 Comments

I love Radiohead. LOVE THEM. I will buy and listen to anything the band deigns to put out, even if it’s 37 minutes of Thom Yorke half-heartedly mumble-singing over a drum machine while watching a movie and eating corn chips, which I’m pretty sure is how The King of Limbs was made.

But still: the new record makes me sad. This is a band that has proved itself capable of kicking as many as 17 kinds of ass. (By way of comparison, the Beatles at their peak kicked only 22 kinds of ass – coincidentally, the exact same number of ass-kinds that Nickelback has sucked.) OK Computer alone contains more top-notch songwriting than every record that James Mercer has recorded, or imagined, or ever listened to – and I like the Shins. Nine out of 10 hipsters agree: Radiohead makes Continue…

Stephen Harper still great, Stephen Harper says

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, February 17, 2011 at 2:10 PM - 58 Comments

The Globe and Mail’s web coverage of the Prime Minister’s remarks this morning is a mesmerizing bit of toadying. It’s a can’t-miss teachable moment for future generations of reporters keen to learn the ancient trade secrets of how best to carry water for one’s party of choice.

Here it is in its entirety – read it and I’ll meet you at the bottom.

Headline: Bev Oda had ‘responsibility’ to overrule CIDA, PM says

Stephen Harper pushed back again Thursday, defending his beleaguered International Co-operation Minister over her decision to deny funding to a faith-based aid group.

The Prime Minister said he supports Bev Oda’s decision to Continue…

Roy Orbison caption challenge

By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, February 16, 2011 at 3:39 PM - 73 Comments

WINNER DECLARED: For reasons I’m not sure I fully understand yet, gottabesaid made me laugh with “The gift shop was out of Colts Wine-Tipped.” And there were other fine entries from jchianello, Dot and especially madeyoulook, among others. But I’m awarding the prize to LaxAtlDfwYow because that entry made me imagine Harper and Oda singing a duet, and THAT is funny (as are the proposed lyrics).

Well done, all. LaxAtlDfwYow, flip me an email at sfeschuk@feschuk-reid.com and I’ll dispatch your prize via the astonishing power of the internets.

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Have we had a caption challenge lately? We have not. Have we had a photograph this awesome lately?

We have not.

Kudos to Sean Kilpatrick of Canadian Press for capturing it. And kudos to whomever triumphs in the challenge for best caption, and walks away with Continue…

Justin Bieber says you get raped for a reason, ladies (until he didn't exactly say that)

By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, February 16, 2011 at 11:53 AM - 298 Comments

UPDATE (Thursday, 3 p.m. ET). From a bit just published at the AV Club: “Rolling Stone has now come forward to say that, due to an ‘editing error,’ the [Bieber] quote [about rape and abortion] was incomplete, omitting a sentence that could serve to abate the outcry somewhat. Here is Bieber’s full statement on whether abortion is justified in cases of rape, with the revised section in bold: ‘Well, I think that’s really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I don’t know how that would be a reason. I guess I haven’t been in that position, so I wouldn’t be able to judge that.’ Note that it doesn’t exactly change his feelings on the matter—abortion is still definitely not swag—but it does lessen the idea that Bieber thinks rape happens for a reason, which is a pretty big omission on Rolling Stone‘s part, don’t you think?”

•••

From the Dept. of That Interview Went Well:

“I really don’t believe in abortion,” Bieber tells Rolling Stone. “It’s like killing a baby?” (The question mark was put there by the magazine, so I guess we can assume his voice went up at the end like this? Or maybe he was asking for clarification.)

Okay, how about abortion in cases of rape? “Um. Well, I think that’s Continue…

Bev Oda is trying SO HARD

By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, February 15, 2011 at 6:29 AM - 108 Comments

Like many of you, I have long been dismayed by the meagre entertainment value provided by the federal political scandals in our country.

The U.S. gets Wide Stance: The Larry Craig Story. The U.S. gets a shirtless Republican lothario. The U.S. gets members of Congress impugning gays but then turning out to be gay, or defending family values and then turning out to be adulterers, or claiming to be literate and then turning out to be Sarah Palin.

We get Bev Oda’s paperwork.

At first glance, this scandal doesn’t have a lot going for it. No money stolen. No abs revealed. No action-packed subplot about Aztec gold. And no one I care about involved. In fact, until just recently I was pretty sure that KAIROS was Continue…

The comic stylings of Tony Clement

By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, February 9, 2011 at 9:45 AM - 51 Comments

The Globe’s Jane Taber reports:

Before sitting down to eat, all [guests at Tony Clement’s 50^th birthday party] were required to fill out a long-form census of 40 questions about the Industry Minister. Given the controversy caused this summer over the government’s decision to scrap the mandatory long-form, all the guests had a good laugh.

Ha ha! Oh God, this is sooooo funny, Tony! Just brillllllliant! Because it totally Continue…

NFL Picks: The Super Bowl of football games

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, February 4, 2011 at 6:18 AM - 3 Comments

Final numbers for 2010-11:

Scott Feschuk Playoffs 8-3 Overall 137-105-9

Scott Reid Playoffs 4-7 Overall 116-126-9

Thanks to all at Macleans.ca and Sportsnet.ca for reading us during our most popular season yet. Will the NFL be back in the fall? Will we? Will Alex Rodriguez ever live down being fed popcorn by his girlfriend on live television in front of 100 million people? Only time can answer these questions, except for the A-Rod one, because obviously the answer there is no.

•••

Pittsburgh (plus 3) vs. Green Bay, Sunday, 6:29 p.m. ET

Reid: Top three undeniable facts about Super Bowl XLV:

1. Sports Reporters Are Pussies. So far the most reportable item from the 2011 Super Bowl appears to be that it’s very coldy woldy. We had to spend days listening to ESPN’s Mike and Mike wussy aloud about how cold it was broadcasting outside until they finally moved their show indoors. And it seems every other reporter in Dallas assumes what the football-loving public wants to learn first is how they’re all holding up in the frigid air of north Texas. Yo candy apples, it’s barely dropped below freezing. Grow a pair!

2. There are Not Enough Slutty Women in Texas. In what would constitute a crisis in any circumstance, an embarrassing shortage of prostitutes in the Dallas-Fort Worth metropolitan area during the Super Bowl may irreparably damage the city’s reputation among hard-up pigs. It is estimated that 10,000 hookers are needed to satisfy the drunken demands of  Continue…

Only in China

By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, February 1, 2011 at 5:56 AM - 11 Comments

In something of an awkward moment, China was recently found to have used footage from the movie Top Gun in a TV segment that supposedly depicted the capabilities of its J-10 fighter. The gaffe delighted many who must endure what one report described as the government’s relentless “propaganda-driven agenda.”

The revelation has prompted increased scrutiny of Continue…

Reading between the lines of Harper’s fifth anniversary speech

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, January 24, 2011 at 10:52 AM - 45 Comments

Friends, today we celebrate our fifth anniversary!

The traditional gift to mark a fifth anniversary is wood, so I brought along my natural disposition. Enjoy!

So, it’s been five years! What a day. What a time. And what a journey it has been, my friends, since the people of Canada gave us their trust!

Throughout this speech, I’m going to persist in referring to you as “my friends,” even though we all know I would sooner stab myself in the face with a fork than have a 20-minute conversation with any of you. I therefore say in conclusion: My friends, please do not attempt to make eye contact.

•••

It’s almost hard to remember what Canada looked like that winter.

Was it triangular? Paisley? Only historians can be certain.

Back then, back in the winter of 2006, the sponsorship scandal hung heavily in the air! Lobbyists ran Ottawa! People had lost faith in the ability – and in the integrity – of their national government!

There was blood in the streets! The only clothing at our disposal was burlap and wet newspaper! Cats and dogs were living together, and it wasn’t nearly as adorable as you might at first imagine!

You could almost say that it really seemed like Continue…

NFL Picks: These ones are for half the marbles!

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, January 21, 2011 at 5:52 AM - 15 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week 3-1 Playoffs 5-3 Overall 134-105-9

Scott Reid Last week 1-3 Playoffs 2-6 Overall 114-125-9

•••

Green Bay (minus 3.5) at Chicago, Sunday, 3 p.m. ET

Forecast for kickoff: Cloudy, minus 6°C

Feschuk: During a normal week, the 16 NFL games are dissected by 100 talking heads on sports radio. But come the week of the conference championships, there are just two games being “analyzed” by 1,000 talking heads – or 1,001 when you factor in Tom Jackson’s evil twin who picked the Patriots last week. (Jackson hasn’t actually used that excuse yet, but it’s coming.) Bottom line – analysts can start talking themselves into worrying about things that aren’t worth worrying about. (A similar principle is behind how dozens of people have somehow talked themselves into believing Al Davis is still alive.)

Nightmare on Elm Street 6: Freddy vs. JaMarcus

To my fellow problem gamblers, I implore you: Do not allow yourself to be distracted by Continue…

The NDP memo: speaking truth(ish) to power (loosely defined)

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, January 20, 2011 at 5:36 AM - 21 Comments

Postmedia has “obtained exclusively” a copy of a memo prepared by NDP strategist Brad Lavigne for the eyes of party leader Jack Layton. That sounds like trouble because internal political memos tend to convey an honest and frank assessment of the lay of the land and a party’s strengths and vulnerabilities. Get ready to see some dirty NDP laundry (mostly polyester shirts and Grandma undies, I assume).

Here’s what Lavigne tells Layton, according to the Postmedia report:

• Your party is ready to go for an election.

• The NDP is prepared to wage an “aggressive” campaign on a budget that’s Continue…

Let’s try to follow Harper’s thinking, why not

By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, January 18, 2011 at 9:53 AM - 75 Comments

At last we have clarity on Stephen Harper’s position regarding a potential coalition government. It came last night during the Prime Minister’s interview with Peter Mansbridge.

Harper said: “I think the next time our party will either form a majority or I think we’ll see a coalition of the other parties. That’s my belief. Everything I see points to that.”

Great. That’s as clear as can be. If Harper wins a majority, he continues to govern. If he wins more seats than anyone else – but falls short of a majority – it leads in his mind to a likely coalition government. Got it. Now we can all move on and–

“I of course,” Harper added, still talking for some reason, “will always be happy to see if the people of Canada elect a Conservative minority, I’d be happy to do that.”

Wait, what? But you just said…

Let us dare to venture together into the realm of Continue…

You are the caretaker, Stephen Harper. You've always been the caretaker.

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, January 17, 2011 at 3:05 PM - 33 Comments

People are focused on the new attacks ads released today by the Conservative Party, but I can’t stop watching the pro-Harper commercial that was included in the bunch.

After some lovely stock footage, it opens with Stephen Harper wandering in the dark through an otherwise vacant Centre Block – just walking and wandering, all on his own. Then he spends the rest of the ad holed up in his office at night, writing and writing, then writing some more. I can’t be the only one who was waiting for Continue…

NFL Picks: Putting our best, sexiest foot forward

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, January 14, 2011 at 7:43 AM - 8 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week 2-2 Overall 131-104-9

Scott Reid Last week 1-3 Overall 113-122-9

•••

Baltimore (plus 3.5) at Pittsburgh, Saturday, 4:30 p.m. ET

Reid: This promises to be the Frazier-Ali of post-season matchups. Saturday’s game marks the third meeting of the year between the Steelers and Ravens with each team notching one bone-splitting win apiece. These two are about as friendly as Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell (obviously, Rosie is Pittsburgh – she and Ben have surprising elusiveness for their size. Also, they both dig lesbians).

Personally, I would be shocked if someone isn’t hit so hard his skin falls off during this game. Again, it would be best if this were to happen to Roethlisberger. Then we’d see if he’s as ugly on the inside as he is on the out. I know I suckered a lot of you last weekend with my funny joke about Kansas City winning. I can’t believe how many of you fell for that – only a total jumbodork would bet on Matt Cassel to do anything other than stand still and stain his pants. No joking around this week though: Pittsburgh will win the battle of who is most unable to make first downs, score points and keep their skill players breathing without the help of intubation. Pick: Baltimore.

Feschuk: You’re crazy. Pittsburgh has a better defence, a better quarterback and the only big-time superstar receiver in this game (Mike “Not that Mike Wallace” Wallace). Not to mention the fact the Steelers have a decided advantage with the intangibles, such as special teams and Troy Polamalu’s Head & Shoulders commercials being slightly less annoying than Ray Lewis’s Old Spice ads, which Continue…

NFL Picks: Wild Card Weekend

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, January 7, 2011 at 8:10 AM - 8 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 9-7 Season: 129-102-9

Scott Reid Last week: 8-8 Season: 112-119-9

A note: There may possibly be some NFL-based tweeting this weekend perhaps. Follow Scott Feschuk at @scottfeschuk. Maybe this will coax Reid into actually joining Twitter. I ask you: What possible trouble could Scott Reid get into with an unfiltered outlet for his musings?

•••

New Orleans (minus 10) at Seattle, Saturday 4:30 p.m. Eastern

Feschuk: Did you see how coaching mastermind and Up With People alumnus Pete Carroll waited to tip his hand about who’s going to start at quarterback for his Seahawks. That left New Orleans at the disadvantage of having to prepare for both Dumb and Dumber. That’s some sneaky maneuverin’! It’s too bad Seattle couldn’t bring in The Most Sought After Man in the World, Jim Harbaugh, to coach this game. Or quarterback it. Or use his heavenly powers to part the Saints D-line while curing leukemia with his farts. Because according to sports talk radio Harbaugh could totally do it. HE’S A MICHIGAN MAN! Alas, the Seahawks are stuck with the roster that managed exactly one victory this season against a team that finished with a winning record. Every single one of Seattle’s nine losses this year was by more than 10 points. Every. Single. One. Why? Because they are terrible. TERRIBLE. Do not let yourself forget this: They are a terrible football team that is awful! Although in their defence Mike Williams has had a nice season and Carroll’s hair has never Continue…