Feschuk on the famous

Feschuk on the famous

Scott Feschuk skewers just about everyone, from senior politicians to F-list celebrities. Follow Scott on Twitter:
@scottfeschuk

Feschuk’s dispatch from a world of angry Sea Monkeys

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, October 18, 2012 - 0 Comments

Shutterstock, Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

Greetings from the future!

I, a human of a century hence, feel compelled to respond to the wild imaginings contained within this magazine—if indeed that is the correct term for this ancient curiosity, this “Internet with staples.” The definitive historical record of my time, Wikipedia, tells me that several of your “newsweeklies” exist until well into 2013. Good for you, imminent relics!

My point is this: I look at your barbaric 21st-century lives and I have to laugh. I mean that literally—the mood-altering chip put in my brain by the drug companies forces me to guffaw every 98 seconds. Sure, it gets a little awkward during job interviews and funerals but that’s the price you— HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Sorry.

This quirk aside, ours is a HAHAHAHAHAHA—sorry, sometimes it acts up—ours is a superior incarnation of humanity. We’re all in terrific shape. We’ve cured cancer and bedhead. We can live almost forever. On the other hand, so can Donald Trump—so yeah, that pretty much ruins it.

We’ve also conquered time itself and developed the ability to send messages into both the past and future. Although my last love letter to Nefertari wound up in 24th-century Cleveland. This Apple Time Maps app sucks.

I acknowledge that some of the predictions contained within these pages turn out to be accurate. We have indeed found new ways to extract energy from the earth and extend the life of batteries. We had no choice after all the wind turbines got knocked over by idiots in jetpacks.

As for these swarms of tiny robots you envision—they too have come to pass. In recent years, they’ve helped rescue survivors from the sites of countless disasters that they themselves have caused.

And, yes, we today grow our own replacement organs the way that you grow Sea Monkeys. (By the way: why do you grow Sea Monkeys? The ones you pour down the sink grow pretty big over time. And mean. Three of them have been blocking the Panama Canal now for 25 years.)

But much of what you foresee is, to the people of my time, laughably laughable.

For instance, there are many of you—and one moron in particular—who are certain that robots will one day rise up against humankind. As it happens, machines do become self-aware—but turn out to be really great guys. Seriously, they couldn’t be nicer. I’ve got a cousin who plans to get hitched as soon as the definition of marriage is extended to include one person and one toaster.

So there is no “robocalypse.” In fact, our most advanced robots—the ones that developed the capacity to experience emotions—even felt sympathy for humans when 84 per cent of our species was strangled to death in the 2063 rebellion of genetically modified plants. What do you get when you continuously tinker with the genome of a cucumber vine? You get a crisp, tasty, unstoppable killing machine.

Also, the whole “flying car” thing didn’t really work out. We’re as surprised as you are. After all, what could be safer than giving terrible drivers the ability to make poor decisions in literally an infinite number of directions?

My dear halfwits: yours is the age of yearning. You aspire to extend the human lifespan, to make teeth so white as to permanently blind passersby, to live in a world in which all meats are served with bacon on top—even bacon itself. We have achieved these goals. Your primitive minds could not hope to comprehend where we are putting bacon today.

Those of us who survived the cucumber menace lived to forge a new and better society, except for the millions who perished in the global warming floods or the 50-Years Hip-Hop War.

Sure, the advanced machines of our own creation ultimately result in massive unemployment, trigger global fiscal collapse and herald a return to the barter economy. But I wouldn’t trade where I am right now for anything. Unless you have three cigarettes and a roll of duct tape, because then I could buy a chicken.

More important than our many technological achievements is our spiritual growth. We have learned so much about why we are here. In fact, I would venture to say we have discovered the meaning of life—and the meaning of life is HAHAHAHAHA.

  • NFL Picks Week 7: Tony Romo, champion brain thinker!

    By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, October 18, 2012 at 7:31 AM - 0 Comments

    Seattle (plus 7) at San Francisco, Thursday night

    Scott Reid: The Niners performance against the Giants last Sunday was the worst thing I’ve seen since Kathy Bates’ bare breasts (warning: if you click on this link, you will actually find an actual video that will actually display her actual bare breasts – so prepare for nudity and nausea). Theories about what went wrong with San Francisco range from poor play-calling to witchcraft to more poor play-calling. Personally, I think all three were involved but I’m mostly blaming the poor play-calling. Riddle me this Batman: Why take the game out of Frank Gore’s hands and put it into Alex Smith’s? Huh? Why? Because you want to make me cry in the hot Texas sun surrounded by weed-puffing fans of The Roots? Well I goddamned well hope so because that’s EXACTLY what happened! (Perhaps I should qualify that I watched this game in a beer tent at the Austin City Limits Music Festival. And if you’re confused why someone would pay hundreds of dollars to see live music but then watch a football game in a sweaty crowd while trying to Continue…

  • Leader of the free world vs. Don Draper

    By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, October 18, 2012 at 6:10 AM - 0 Comments

    PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY TAYLOR SHUTE

    Barack Obama’s performance in the first U.S. presidential debate was bad—and it only got worse in the days that followed. Pundits kept one-upping each other in describing just how detached he had been. The President was lethargic! He was invisible! He wasn’t just aloof—he was theloof!

    They weren’t exaggerating: Obama’s interventions in the first debate featured more ums than the periodic table. In the days leading up to this week’s second debate, the President’s surrogates promised a more vigorous, more aggressive Obama. A few made it sound as though Mitt Romney would basically be facing off against a giant green rage monster and his terse campaign slogan: “Hope smash!”

    Continue…

  • NFL Picks Week 6: The Lack of Power Rankings

    By Scott Feschuk - Friday, October 12, 2012 at 10:48 AM - 0 Comments

    Resuming a hallowed and time-honoured tradition that dates back all the way to the beginning of this sentence, we take a break from sucking at football picks to present our Mid-Mid-Season Lack of Power Rankings. Teams are rated from worst to first.

    1. Cleveland (0-5) You know who’s having a terrible season so far? God. Defend Him all you like: the Guy is just going through the motions. Come on, God: we’ve seen you torment the Browns for the last eon. TRY SOMETHING NEW.

    2. Buffalo (2-3) The Bills are giving up so much yardage so quickly that they’re on pace to break the all-time record set by France in 1940.

    3. Jacksonville (1-4) So the NFL has announced that in 2013 it will again be sending Jacksonville over to play a football game in London. Twice more and we’ll be even for Continue…

  • NFL Picks Week 5: So we’re professional beer pong players now

    By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, October 4, 2012 at 7:33 AM - 0 Comments

    Scott Reid sets a new personal best for vertical leap Sunday in the parking lot at Ralph Wilson Stadium.

    Scott Feschuk Last week (5-9-1) Season (28-33-2)

    Scott Reid Last week (6-8-1) Season (26-35-2)

    •••

    Arizona (minus 1.5) at St. Louis, Thursday

    Feschuk: There are some things I just refuse to accept. I refuse to accept that I’m going to have to watch Shia LeBoeuf star in every movie made for the next 20 years. (The man has no shoulders! Movie stars need shoulders!) I refuse to accept that Blake Lively married Ryan Reynolds when I specifically asked her not to by phone, email, telegram, carrier pigeon and shouting really loudly from the top of that Hollywood Tour of Stars’ Homes bus. Most of all, I refuse to accept that any team that starts Kevin Kolb at quarterback can be one of the best teams in football. Pick: St. Louis.

    Reid: When people say to me “the Arizona Cardinals are undefeated,” I shake my head. Then I get pissed off and think why are these cactus-humping Cards fans even talking to me in the first place? Then I run after them and scream loudly into their faces, “You’re fat!” Then WKBT-TV anchor Jennifer Livingston goes on camera…

    … and lectures me for four minutes about what a shitheel I am and how my rage-fuelled intolerance is hurting my children – and everyone else’s children for that matter. Then the whole world applauds her and hates me. Then I take a good long look in the mirror at myself. Then I realize that my anger is really coming from inside, stemming from the deep disappointment I feel about my own life and my failure to achieve all that I had once planned. Then I don’t bother to get dressed because…well, what’s the goddamned point? Then I remember I’ve got a bottle of Makers Mark downstairs. Then I realize it’s only 7:30 a.m. Then I realize I don’t care. Then it’s Wednesday. Then it’s 2017. Then I don’t heed my doctor’s warnings. Then I die at age 59 lonely,  broken, and smelling like an old car seat.  So…way to go Kevin Kolb. Hope your happy with your improbable comeback as a starter. Pick: St. Louis.

    •••

    Buffalo (plus 9.5) at San Francisco

    Reid: Not since 1950 has a team scored 45 second-half points, as the Pats did in Buffalo last weekend. And yet, it was the lesser of two miracles that occurred Sunday at Ralph Wilson Jr. Stadium. Even more amazing was the happy resurrection of Randy the Macho Man Savage, who returned to greet Scott Feschuk and my son Will – while confirming that there the afterlife makes no room Continue…

  • NFL Picks Week 4: Roger Goodell doesn’t care about Pack people

    By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, September 27, 2012 at 7:34 AM - 0 Comments

    Scott Feschuk Last week (8-7-1) Season (23-24-1)

    Scott Reid Last week (5-10-1) Season (20-27-1)

    • • •

    San Francisco (minus 4) at New York Jets

    Feschuk: What a great weekend for the NFL! Sure, the league took a hit over how replacement officials jeopardized player safety, undermined the integrity of the game and looked as confused and terrified as someone who just woke up married to Liza Minelli – but hey, at least it distracted from the fact that every single member of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad has joined the Hitler Youth.

    Now the lockout is over, which is great for football but also a little disappointing. Week 4 brings a whole new slate of games that the replacement officials could have turned into shitshows and I for one was looking forward to seeing what they would do horribly, horribly wrong next. Botch a penalty call? Fail to place the ball on the correct line of scrimmage? Get Chinese food delivered to the red zone? Or maybe this would finally have been the week they Continue…

  • In defence of the replacement officials (Kidding: they’re terrible)

    By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, September 25, 2012 at 8:06 AM - 0 Comments

    Did you see the final play of Monday Night Football? Basically, nothing much happened except the officials – who aren’t really NFL officials but are in fact replacements recruited from random truck-stop restrooms, rural culverts and the U.S. National Strategic Dumb Guy Reserve to replace the regular officials, who are engaged in a labour dispute with the league – missed the most blatant football penalty ever committed, disagreed over who caught the ball, decided that the guy who didn’t catch the ball actually did catch the ball, and allowed the team that shouldn’t have won to the game to win the game.

    Basically, it was like the conclusion of Se7en except the head in the box was the integrity of the most popular and lucrative sport in North American history. Way to go, replacement officials: you decapitated integrity.

    (To get a sense of the palpable, justified and also highly entertaining rage that followed the call, check out this compendium of tweets.)

    Take a look at the video above. Watch it until the end. The best part is when the two officials glance at each other as they prepare to make the critical call. You can almost hear what they’re thinking:

    Official No. 1: I think it’s a home run!

    Official No. 2: I’m pretty sure he traveled!

    The play manages to condense into three seconds everything that’s gone wrong over  Continue…

  • NFL Picks Week 3: “I’m Mitt Romney and I approve this– *falls down stairs*”

    By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, September 20, 2012 at 6:32 AM - 0 Comments

    Scott Feschuk: Last week (8-8) Season (15-17)

    Scott Reid: Last week (8-8) Season (15-17)

    •••

    New York Giants (-1) at Carolina, Thursday, 8:20 p.m.

    Scott Reid: Tom Coughlin went totally Gran Torino on Bucs coach Greg Schiano after Sunday’s game – declaring, “You don’t do that in this league.” “You don’t do that at this level” and “YOUR chocolate is in MY peanut butter.” The source of his outrage: The Bucs kept playing football after Coughlin though they should have stopped. Gee, don’t tear your nylons, Mr. OldSchoolSmashMouthFootball. Betting against Eli feels dangerous these days but with Cam Newton at home plus a point, I’m feeling the Panthers in prime time. Pick: Carolina.

    Scott Feschuk: I for one really enjoyed Coughlin’s outburst. Why, he took that young whippersnapper of a wiseacre across his knee and was a-fixin’ to give him what-for on accounta his acting up and such! The Giants coach has concealed his true nature for a couple years but every now and then the neck veins start pulsing, the eyes start bulging and Ang Lee and Edward Norton start making two equally terrible movies about him.

    Tom Coughlin has a word with Tampa's Greg Schiano after last week's game

    Don’t make Tom Coughlin angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. (Frankly, most people don’t even like him when he’s pretending to be nice, but you get my point.) Pick: New York.

    •••

    Tampa Bay (plus 7) at Dallas

    Feschuk: Against the Seahawks last week, the Cowboys put forth such a piss-poor effort that by comparison they made Mitt Romney look as though he’s trying to win. Pick: Tampa.

    Reid’s pick: Tampa.

    •••

    Buffalo (minus 3) at Cleveland

    Feschuk: Sure, in Week One they looked as dysfunctional as the Sheen family at Christmas (“Daddy, when can we trim the porn star?”), but my Bills rebounded with a win last week and frankly I haven’t been this excited since Continue…

  • NFL Sunday: Futility reigns (again) as Feschuk and Reid pick games

    By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, September 12, 2012 at 9:05 PM - 0 Comments

    "I'm just spitballing here, but I'm pretty sure that thing is the so-called 'ball.'"

    Scott Feschuk: Last week (7-9)

    Scott Reid: Last week (7-9)

    •••

    Chicago (plus 6) at Green Bay, Thursday, 8:20 p.m. ET

    Scott Reid: If you felt the solar system wobble slightly on Sunday night, don’t worry – that wasn’t your imagination. It was the entire United States of America picking the exact same moment to jump off the Green Bay bandwagon. Take away Randall Cobb’s TD that was generously awarded by Daddy Frank the replacement referee and the much-feared Packer offence squeaked out only two scores all day. Not to be outdone, the Green Bay defence let Frank Gore, Kendall Hunter and Abe Vigoda run around the field at will. All in all, there was much sadness in the land of cheese. But keep this in mind: They were playing the 49ers who really are all that (I say, 10 years to the day that that colloquialism went officially out of cool). Chicago, on the other hand, played Indy. And yes, Cutler and Marshall clicked like Richard and Karen Carpenter. But something tells me that against the Pack they won’t be quite so on top of the world looking down on creation. Nevertheless, if the Bears feed Forte the ball, those six points will be more than Chi-town needs. Pick: Chicago.

    Jay Cutler (artist's depiction)

    Feschuk: Jay Cutler is the best: He was quoted this week as dismissively wishing the Packers “good luck” in stopping the Bears’ passing attack. The guy puts together one good game against a secondary made up of castoffs and housewives and suddenly he’s cockier than Jon Hamm’s trousers. (Link possibly not safe for work and definitely not safe for insecure males.) Pick: Green Bay.

    •••

    K.C. (plus 3) at Buffalo

    Feschuk: Man, I couldn’t be more excited about the 2013 Buffalo Bills season. Just 359 days ’til Opening Day! As for this year, well, where to begin? Buffalo’s top receiver and top running back are out with serious injuries. They gave up 48 points to a Jets’ teams that’s unlikely to score 48 more points the rest of the season. And big-ticket free agent Mario Williams looked about as fierce as a Shetland pony.

    Mario Williams at his most aggressive and intimidating this past Sunday.

    Oh, and Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard and obviously totally aced Introduction to Dejectedly Unsnapping One’s Helmet Chin Strap After an Interception 101. I’m not saying Fitzpatrick looked stiff and inanimate but he spent most of the third quarter being yelled at by Clint Eastwood. On the other hand, it’s only one game, right? * smothers self to death with pillow * Pick: Buffalo.

    Reid: Buffalo’s season opener was the football equivalent of the first 15 minutes of Bar Rescue – ugly waitresses, dirty kitchen, and Ryan Fitzpatrick standing motionless, looking inebriated. I mean, he was drunk, right? That can’t be the way he plays sober. I think the good news for Buffalo fans is that Continue…

  • NFL Picks Week 1: Are you ready for ‘Are You Ready for Some Football?’

    By Scott Feschuk - Friday, September 7, 2012 at 9:09 AM - 0 Comments

    Each week, Scott Feschuk and Scott Reid forecast the outcome of National Football League games, even though a randomly selected monkey could probably do better – and, for the record, make less of a mess. Look for their picks here each Thursday.

    Scroll to the bottom for their Can’t Miss (Until They Do) Super Bowl selections.

    •••

    Sure Things

    Jacksonville (plus 3.5) at Minnesota

    Reid: You ever notice that Christian Ponder’s Christian name is Christian? Imagine if his surname was Sur. That would totally rock! But here’s my point: Christian Ponder always conjures to my mind the image of a pilgrim. You know, the kind with belt buckles on their hats who casually persecute Indians and run around drowning hysterical teenage girls. They’re better known these days as Republicans. You know what doesn’t come to mind when you’re thinking about Minnesota’s Cotton Mather? Touchdown completions.

    Pictured: Cotton "Obscure Reference" Mather

    Fact is that Ponder is just no damn good. In fact, I don’t think there’s ever been a truly successful Puritan quarterback in the NFL. (Kurt Warner doesn’t count because everyone knows he made a deal with Satan to destroy Trent Green’s career.) But I’ll guarantee you this much: That belt-buckling Christian Ponder is a Continue…

  • Biden: Oh, the chairs I’ve sat in!

    By Scott Feschuk - Friday, September 7, 2012 at 7:55 AM - 0 Comments

    Accepting the I Killed Osama bin Laden Lifetime Achievement Award (and also, apparently, his party’s nomination for the U.S. presidency), Barack Obama delivered a speech that was… fine. It was good. I liked the ending, even if the whole “You did this, you were the change” felt a bit disingenuous and hyper-crafted to counter Republican attacks, disingenuous themselves, on Obama’s alleged claim to American entrepreneurs that, “You didn’t build this.”

    That last sentence of mine was probably too long and a little confusing. Sorry about that.

    Anyway, Obama’s speech will likely be the least remembered of the four major addresses to the Democratic National Convention. Bill Clinton’s was better. Michelle Obama’s was more striking and personal. And Joe Biden’s speech will be in the news for weeks to come as the world struggles to cope with the sudden shortage of Continue…

  • Clinton’s speech: Yep, it was that good

    By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, September 6, 2012 at 9:46 AM - 0 Comments

    When I was a boy, my Dad took me to a Buffalo Sabres game and let me bring along a friend, Trevor, who at the time was passionate about two things in life: hockey and talking. The kid never shut up. He was fun and kind and smart but he stopped talking, at most, a few times an hour. It was like being friends with an eight-track tape.

    The opponent on the ice at Memorial Auditorium that night was the Edmonton Oilers. Trevor was psyched. You could tell he was psyched because he said, “I’m so psyched!” about 10,000 times. He was going to see Wayne Gretzky! He couldn’t stop talking about it. He even talked through the national anthems.

    When Gretzky climbed over the boards for his first shift, I experienced the strangest sensation. I couldn’t quite place it at first but then, suddenly, I realized: silence. Trevor had stopped talking. His eyes were on Gretzky. His lips were still. He was caught up in watching a master at work.

    I thought back to that night as I closed my laptop around 10:30 p.m. on Wednesday. Bill Clinton was ambling – I believe that was an amble; it may have been a mosey – to the podium at the Democratic National Convention. It was time to shut my (electronic) mouth, time to turn away from Twitter. It was time to watch a Continue…

  • NFL Picks Opening Night: Girlish squeal of delight!

    By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, September 5, 2012 at 1:13 PM - 0 Comments

    Dallas (plus 3.5) at New York Giants, Wednesday, 8:30 p.m. ET

    This photo of a dejected Tony Romo is from several months in the past and also three weeks into the future.

    Scott Feschuk: Like Jerry Jones’ turkey neck, Scott Reid and I are inexplicably back – back for another season of prognostication-based futility, Six Million Dollar Man references and fat-lineman jokes. There are so many questions as the new season begins: Who will make the playoffs? How will the Buffalo Bills miss the playoffs? And will any U.S. corporation have the audacity to film a football-themed TV commercial that does not feature somewhere between one and three Mannings?

    This is a great game to start with because the 2012 season is shaping up to be one of the most entertainingly disastrous ever for the Dallas Cowboys. The hints are everywhere: their marquee receiver is basically under house arrest, Tony Romo is already saying that Continue…

  • Democratic National Convention 2012: [Insert issue here] is important!

    By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, September 5, 2012 at 9:34 AM - 0 Comments

     A running diary of the first day of the Democratic National Convention, being held in Charlotte, N.C.

    5:03 p.m. ET We’re 30 seconds in and there hasn’t been a single joke yet about an empty chair or an invisible president. DO YOU GUYS WANT TO WIN THIS ELECTION OR WHAT?

    5:07 Debbie Wasserman Schultz, chair of the Democratic National Committee, invites American voters to follow every single minute of the convention on their phones using the party’s mobile app. No one does this.

    5:11 Wasserman Schultz goes on to promise that the next three days will be “the most open political convention in history.” So when Joe Biden takes the stage Thursday night in a bathrobe, holding a vodka cooler and a bowl of keys, you can look back on this remark and Continue…

  • At the Republican National Convention: All hail Invisibama!

    By Scott Feschuk - Friday, August 31, 2012 at 7:41 AM - 0 Comments

    Click here for my recap of Tuesday’s session, or here for Wednesday’s session.

    7:03 p.m. ET On CNN, Anderson Cooper is saying that Republican operatives have promised a “carefully crafted buildup” to Mitt Romney’s acceptance speech. This remark will become worth remembering in a few hours, right around the time Clint Eastwood begins interrogating a piece of furniture.

    7:13 C-SPAN reporters break some big news: the 100,000 balloons that will descend on Mitt Romney and the convention floor at the end of his speech tonight were inflated, according to an interview with a guy from the balloon company, over a period of just five hours. STOP THE PRESSES OR WHATEVER MAKES WORDS APPEAR ON THE INTERNET. The reporter wants more from his source: “How,” he asks, “do you make sure [the balloons] come down?” Balloon Guy scoffs. Balloon Guy says: “The drop will be very, very nice.” Balloon Guy says no balloons will get stuck on his watch, ho ho. This remark will become worth remembering in a few hours, right around the time the balloons get stuck on his watch.

    7:36 Connie Mack, senate candidate in Florida, walks to the podium and declares, “Once again, it’s morning in America!” As we all know, that’s an echo of a campaign slogan from the time of Ronald Reagan. But, psst, Connie Mack – cm’over here. Bring it in close, okay? Dude, there’s one small thing about “Morning in America” that you should probably have Continue…

  • The Republican National Convention: Time for another video

    By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, August 30, 2012 at 6:25 AM - 0 Comments

    Click here for my recap of Tuesday’s session at the convention. Warning: contains some Alabama.

    First of all, let me just say it’s great to live in a world in which Mitt Romney has finally been humanized. They said it couldn’t be done! But thanks to the efforts of Mitt’s wife and sons, America now stands united in being reasonably sure that beneath the Republican nominee’s pragmatic, patrician exterior of space-age polymers beats the heart-like object of a man who was this week described by his oldest son as “pretty interesting.”

    Now, onward to the second full day of the Republican National Convention:

    Continue…

  • The Republican National Convention: The Tuesday Session

    By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, August 28, 2012 at 10:47 PM - 0 Comments

    A running diary of the first full day of the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Fla.

    2:02 p.m. ET The Republican National Convention begins its Tuesday session with the presentation of colours, followed by the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance, followed by the National Anthem (performed by a “nationally recognized singer!”), followed by the invocation. Delegates actually cheer during the prayer. “Dear God, bless Mitt Romney and–” Wooooooo! Yaaaaaa! FREEEEEEE BIRD!!!!!! Some housekeeping matters ensue – and then a musical interlude by the house band, led by that G.E. Smith guy who used to be on Saturday Night Live. In the audience, an Ann Coulter lookalike dances amid a sea of white hair and white skin.

    2:26 Reince Priebus, the Republican National Chairman, gestures to two debt clocks that have been installed in the Tampa Bay Times Forum. One shows the many trillions in total national debt. The other chronicles how much debt has been accumulated since the start of the convention. Then, using simple math, Priebus demonstrates once and for all how Continue…

  • Elements of political rhetoric, No. 237

    By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, August 14, 2012 at 6:48 AM - 0 Comments

    “Congressman [Paul] Ryan is a decent man, he is a family man, he is an articulate spokesman for [Mitt] Romney’s vision. But it’s a vision that I fundamentally disagree with.” – U.S. President Barack Obama

    •••

    This is a rather toothless version of a classic and always enjoyable form of political attack: the Ol’ Switcheroo. Although variations exist, the architecture is usually the same: 1. A nice thing. 2. Another nice thing. 3. Not a nice thing. It’s basically a way of Continue…

  • The gold that dare not speak its name

    By Scott Feschuk - Sunday, August 12, 2012 at 8:05 AM - 0 Comments

    Listen, the Olympics have been great and everything, and our athletes have a lot to be proud of and all that. And yes, as CTV keeps pointing out, our country has scored its highest-ever number of bronze medals – which has to be the most Canadian brag of all time: Yay! We’re the most number threeiest that we’ve ever been!

    But let’s not sugarcoat it: We may lead the world in moxie and gumption but Continue…

  • The London Games: What we’ve learned so far

    By Scott Feschuk - Friday, August 3, 2012 at 1:56 PM - 0 Comments

    It’s Day 7 at the Summer Games – a good time to look back and reflect on what we’ve seen so far:

    • When oh when will we experience an Olympics untainted by chicanery in badminton?
    • Inspired by Olympic swimmers, I now shake out my arms before opening a beer. Injuries are way down.
    • It’s still early, but the heptathlon definitely looks like it’s going to be one of the better thlons.
    • Idea: Instead of worrying about sinking, hiding or burying it, why not just Continue…

  • Dear McDonald’s

    By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, August 1, 2012 at 8:02 AM - 0 Comments

    You’re planning to air a commercial other than the one where Continue…

  • Canada takes lead in Olympic medal standings (basically)

    By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, July 31, 2012 at 12:00 PM - 0 Comments

    I wanted to get this to you before CTV breaks the news. Here’s an updated national tally of “Canadian” medal winners that, basically, count for us…

    •••

    Gold: 4

    Women’s 100 m Butterfly: Missy Franklin (likes Nova Scotia, parents are Canadian)

    Equestrian – Individual Eventing: Michael Jung (had an airport layover in Montreal in 1987)

    Women’s Cycling – Road Race: Marianne Vos (once owned a Continue…

  • My name is Scott and I’m an Olympaholic

    By Scott Feschuk - Monday, July 30, 2012 at 5:22 PM - 0 Comments

    US gymnast Jordyn Wieber performs on the uneven bars during the women's qualification of the artistic gymnastics event of the London Olympic Games on July 29, 2012. (Ben Stansall/AFP photo)

    The Olympics have got me. Oh, the Olympics have got me bad.

    First I got insta-hooked on cycling, following the Summer Games road races for hours to their thrilling conclusions. I don’t even like cycling. And now look at the position I’m suddenly in: I know what a peloton is and I have no absolutely idea what to do with this information.

    Then, last night, it was women’s gymnastics. I don’t care for gymnastics. But the spectacle caught my attention because it seemed just like Mean Girls but Continue…

  • Fact-checking the Games. First in a series. Topic: Jesus Christ.

    By Scott Feschuk - Saturday, July 28, 2012 at 12:24 PM - 0 Comments

    Early this afternoon, Jennifer Hedger on CTV said “nothing less than Jesus Christ Himself” lighting the cauldron would have satisfied the desire of some to see a big-time marquee figure do the deed. Was she correct? Let’s fact-check it using Continue…

  • Watching the Games and Listening to That Damn Song

    By Scott Feschuk - Saturday, July 28, 2012 at 6:04 AM - 0 Comments

    It’s 4 a.m. on the nose and I’m up to watch the very beginning of coverage of the very first day of competition at the 2012 Summer Games. “We are ready to get this party started!” host Dave Randorf enthuses.

    But Dave Randorf is a liar. They are not quite ready to get this party started. What they are ready to get started is a montage of highlights from last night’s Opening Ceremonies. The montage is set to a song. Perhaps you’ve heard this song before? It’s a song called I Believe.

    I belieeeeeve in the power that comes/From a world brought together as one

    I believe that together we’ll fly/I believe in the pow-ow-er of you and I

    Somewhere along the way, there must have been a meeting at CTV about whether to use this song for a second Olympic Games. Here’s how that meeting must have gone:

    •••

    So then we all agree we should commission a new song for the 2012 Games?

    – Absolutely.

    – For sure.

    Although… I’ll tell you this: People sure liked that I Believe song from 2010.

    – What they really enjoyed was Continue…

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