Super Bowl XLIV: A liveblog, but with naps and long pauses

* Be sure to enter our Super Bowl Challenge, located here.

Scott Feschuk Last games 0-2 Playoffs 5-5 Season 131-129-6

Scott Reid Last games 1-1 Playoffs 5-5 Season 133-127-6

Reid: Let’s begin by looking back at Media Day at the Super Bowl, the sort of cringe-worthy spectacle of excess that makes one wonder if maybe Thomas Malthus was on to something. It’s a guilty pleasure,  stripped of all pleasure.

This year’s particular highlights were Continue…

Scott Feschuk Last week 1-3 Playoffs 5-3 Season 131-127-6

Scott Reid Last week 3-1 Playoffs 4-4 Season 132-126-6

Permit us to take a moment to quietly celebrate the new contracts given to Wade Phillips and Norv Turner. Now if a few stubborn owners would just sign Andy Reid’s girth, Brad Childress’s beard and Tom Cable’s blank stare to five-year extensions, all our jokes for next season will have already written themselves.

OK, on to the games…

New York Jets (plus 7.5) at Indianapolis, Sunday, 3 p.m. ET

Reid: Are you like me? Have you had enough of the Rex Ryan love-in? Judging by this week’s media love-clench, you’d think he’d just been pushed out of his job by Jay Leno. He’s the George C. Chickenhawk of the NFL. Calling on all comers. Shooting his mouth off. Sticking out his belly. (Ok, that one’s not a put-on). Here’s the thing about this game: Indy cannot lose. Can. Not. Lose. And they will not lose. Rex Ryan’s team could barely beat some guy named Painter when the whole season was on the line. Against Manning, they’ll be fish food. Revis can only cover one receiver at a time and Manning is too fast off the blitz. By the end of the first half, Sanchez is going to look Bill Daily from I Dream of Jeannie: stumbling, stammering comic relief. (Although Daily did his best work on the Bob Newhart Show – much like Sanchez did his best work at USC). Pick: Indianapolis (by a mile).

Feschuk: This is no time for your precious “logic.” After Sunday, we’ve got two whole weeks until the Super Bowl – two long weeks of press conferences and media days, interrupted only by the three-hour patch of comedy relief known as the Pro Bowl (starring Vince Young and – by the time all the Super Bowl contenders and “injured” players drop out – JaMarcus Russell, Jim Plunkett and the chick who played Blossom). And who would you rather be stuck with for those two interminable weeks before the big game? The quick-witted, fast-talking, over-confident Rex Ryan or Jim “Someone Swears They Saw Him Blink Last Tuesday” Caldwell? I love Continue…

Scott Feschuk Last week 4-0 Season 130-124-6

Scott Reid Last week 1-3 Season 129-125-6

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Arizona (plus 7) at New Orleans, Saturday, 4:30 p.m. ET

Feschuk: Hard to say who had a better weekend – Kurt Warner or me. On Old Man Warner’s side of the ledger, he went 29-for-33 against the Packers, tossed more touchdowns than incompletions and still got home in time to watch Murder, She Wrote. I, on the other hand, went a perfect 4-0 in my picks – winning widespread admiration from men* and gazes of intense sexual longing from women**. If New Orleans plays like it did for much of the year, I think they handle the Cardinals. But here’s the thing: Arizona actually ran the ball a ton last weekend (and very successfully) while over the past few weeks the Saints’ run defence has revealed itself to be more fractured than NBC late night. Assuming Kurt Warner is willing to stay up past his bedtime to see this thing out, Arizona has a shot at the upset. Pick: Arizona.

* Not true. ** The lady at Subway kinda winked (possibly a tic).

Reid: Last week – on my way to a blistering 1-3 record – I boldly stated, “If Green Bay loses this game, I’ll put anything you say on my face for at least 10 seconds.” So when Michael Adams stripped Rodgers and Karlos (what’s with the ‘K’?) Dansby walked the ball in to win the game in OT, I knew something truly awful was in my future. But even I couldn’t imagine Continue…

Scott Feschuk Last week 7-9 Season 126-124-6

Scott Reid Last week 9-7 Season 128-122-6

Feschuk: Scott Reid prevailed last week and triumphed in the season-long battle for borderline mediocrity. And there was much rejoicing:

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New York Jets (plus 2.5) at Cincinnati, Saturday, 4:30 p.m. ET

Reid: If the 2009 season was any indication, Chad Ochocinco has a better chance of finding panties on Paris Hilton than a clean catch around Darrelle Revis. The Jets CB puts the Shhhh in shutdown (that’s called coining a catchphrase!). Everyone’s wondering how Sanchez will face up to the pressure of his first playoff game. Not me. I wonder how the Bengals D will respond to being forced to eat their own unmentionables only a week ago. I’m going to say poorly. Pick: New York.

Feschuk: I follow Ochocinco on Twitter, and should Bengals fans be worried that he spent Thursday afternoon trying to figure out how to transfer photos from his cell phone to his computer? Come on, Chad: You’re supposed to be getting ready to audition as a Super Bowl contender, not a member of Geek Squad. I honestly don’t see how Cinci can win this one. They’ve got an Continue…

Scott Feschuk Last week: 6-10 Season: 119-115-6

Scott Reid Last week: 5-11 Season: 119-115-6

Feschuk: After 240 football games, we are both barely above .500 (not surprising, in that we are not good at this) and we have the exact same record (somewhat surprising, in that you had a 10-game lead on me just a few weeks ago – before you went all “Brad Childress” on us).

Given our records, a wager of some sort is clearly in order. And not one of those wussy political wagers where one mayor pledges to send a crate of locally made jerky to the other mayor. I’m talking about a man’s wager – a wager that would make Tom Selleck’s moustache proud.

Loser buys the crantinis?

Reid: Crantinis are sorta girly, no? For the sake of our masculine image, let’s go with Kir Royale. I have to confess, after a fairly respectable season, I’ve been on a spectacular three-week chokefest. I feel about as confident as a piece of pecan pie sitting out on John Goodman’s counter.

Here’s my challenge. The loser must agree to accompany the other on an “extreme” adventure of the other’s choosing. For example, if I win, we would go Continue…

Scott Feschuk Last week: 7-6-3 Season 113-105-6

Scott Reid Last week: 3-10-3 Season 114-104-6

It’s Christmas Eve and we still haven’t wrapped Bill Cowher for the people of Washington, so let’s keep things brief…

San Diego (minus 3) at Tennessee, Christmas night

Feschuk: Nothing says “Christmas spirit” quite like gathering around the TV as a family and counting the number of times that Norv Turner looks as though he’s trying to remember if he turned his car lights off (Spoiler alert: 73). Pick: Tennessee.

Reid: This game means nothing and will still be fun to watch – which makes it Continue…

Scott Feschuk Last week: 11-5 Season: 106-99-3

Scott Reid Last week: 6-10 Season: 111-94-3

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Indianapolis (minus 6.5) at Jacksonville, Thursday night

Reid: I am one who always craves the chance to bear witness to history –much like Max the 2000 Year Old Mouse. So I was angry when David Tyree used his velcroed head to rob us of the chance to see the Patriots go 19-0. But now I want something even better: A clash of the undefeated in the Super Bowl. Imagine it. 18-0 Indy takes on 18-0 New Orleans. It would be the greatest of all games. The most historic of all seasons. And finally, Mercury Morris would be forced to shut his yapping hole. In other words: Don’t even think about it Jacksonville! Pick: Indianapolis.

Feschuk: I don’t know, buddy – Jacksonville always plays Indy tough. This one is going to be as close as the riveting season-long tussle between Terry Bradshaw and borderline literacy. Pick: Jacksonville.

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Dallas (plus 7) at New Orleans, Saturday night

Feschuk: When Brett Favre returned to Lambeau, Fox kept a camera on him all game long – you could watch the “Favre feed” live on your computer. And you know what? It was boring. But you know what wouldn’t be? A camera that Continue…

Scott Feschuk Last week: 5-11 Season: 95-94-3

Scott Reid Last week: 5-11 Season 105-84-3

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Pittsburgh (minus 10) at Cleveland, Thursday night

Feschuk: Mike Tomlin promised his team would “unleash hell” in December, but they must have heard him wrong because they played like hell against Oakland. This sort of misunderstanding happened pretty much every week on Three’s Company, so the good news is that all Tomlin needs to do to get his team into the playoffs is have Ben Roethlisberger make a pass at Mr. Roper. (Playing Cleveland four times in a row would also help.) Pick: Pittsburgh.

Reid: I still miss Jerome ‘Chrissy’ Bettis. And I grant you that Mindenhall makes a pretty fair Cindy (mmm…Jenilee Harrison). The problem is that instead of Continue…

Scott Feschuk Last week: 9-7 Season: 90-83-3

Scott Reid Last week: 11-5 Season 100-73-3

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NY Jets (minus 3) at Buffalo, Thursday in Toronto

Reid: Welcome to Toronto, NFL prime timers. Feel free to enjoy your tailgate party on the Jack Astors patio – but remember: no smoking, swearing or raising your voice. We wouldn’t want to upset the anti-Island airport crowd. Last year, the Rogers Centre hosted what most sentient creatures regard as the least watchable football game in history. This year the Bills promise all that times two. One hates to bet on the Jets after their pitiful recent record. And Lord knows what will happen if Rex Ryan learns he can get unpasteurized cheese down the highway in Montreal. But you’ve got to believe the New York defence can at least stop Ryan Fitzpatrick. Pick: New York.

Feschuk: Both these teams experienced some early season optimism. But then they both ran over the fire hydrant of overconfidence and smashed head-on into the tree of harsh reality. Now they’re just two teams praying that Tiger Woods has enough money to pay Superman to reverse the rotation of the earth and turn back time. Pick: Buffalo.

Oakland (plus 13) at Pittsburgh

Feschuk: True story: Disgruntled Raiders fans have bought billboard space in town and put up the message: “Mr. Davis, do the right thing. Please hire a GM.” Ever the populist, Davis immediately agreed – and hired a new Buick Lucerne. Honk if you disagree we should bring back Jim Plunkett. [Silence.] I like the cut of your jib, Mr. Buick! Pittsburgh needs to win this game the way Tiger Woods needs to get accustomed to onanism. Pick: Pittsburgh.

Reid: What’s with Hines Ward anyway? He’s like the Keith Martin of the NFL – but without the medical degree or height. Calling out your star QB as a wimp is like Continue…

Scott Feschuk Last week: 8-8 Season: 81-76-3

Scott Reid Last week: 9-7 Season: 89-68-3

It’s American Thanksgiving – the most exciting afternoon of the year for Canadian sports fans who hate their jobs and their co-workers but love references to turkey, mental images of post-meal pants unbuttoning by fat guys and the thought of thousands upon thousands of American families sitting down to break bread in peace and harmony until a crotchety grandparent mutters something about the Twilight movies being stupid, at which point the eye gouging shall begin.

Green Bay (minus 10.5) at Detroit, Thursday 12:30 p.m. ET

Reid: American Thanksgiving always brings to mind the old Dennis Miller line that he’s planning to mark the occasion by killing his neighbours and taking their things. This year, Detroit may issue the invite— but it’s the Lions who are going to get slaughtered. It’s pretty simple math in Motor City: No Matt Stafford = No chance. Green Bay has upped its game over the past two weeks and can’t afford to blow this win if it hopes to stay in the playoff hunt. Expect a Thanksgiving Day massacre that would make the pilgrims proud. Pick: Green Bay.

Feschuk: Americans just can’t catch a break. First, the economy tanks, costing them millions of jobs. Second, Creed gets back together. And now their Thanksgiving afternoon will kick off with a game involving the Detroit Lions, a team so unwatchable that football fans may have Continue…

* Update: Winner of the Beat Scott Reid Challenge announced below in the comments.

Scott Feschuk Last week: 6-8-1 Season: 73-68-3

Scott Reid Last week: 6-8-1 Season: 80-61-3

There are few things more enjoyable in life than beating Scott Reid at something – just ask Stephen Harper. And now it can be your turn!

Can’t Miss NFL Picks and Other Lies is proud to present the First Annual Beat Scott Reid Challenge. How’s it work? Simply email in your picks for this week’s games to sfeschuk@sympatico.ca (feel free to post them in the comments, too, but they MUST be emailed in to be eligible).

If you get more games right than Scott Reid, you’ll be entered into a random draw to receive something that’s NFL-related and valued in the tens of dollars (no, not Terrell Owens’ work ethic).

Deadline for entries is kickoff of Thursday night’s game – though if you miss that you can still enter by Sunday at 1 p.m. ET and just have the Thursday game count as a loss. Spreads will be as listed in our picks below. All decisions of the judges, including which of the Landers sisters was hotter, are final.

Miami (plus 3) at Carolina, Thursday night

Reid: We have now gone three weeks in a row without an interception from Jake Delhomme. That’s the football equivalent of Robert Pattinson going three weeks without appearing on the cover of a teen magazine. So colour me skeptical about Miami’s chances in this matchup. Ronnie Brown won’t play. Chad Henne can’t play. But by God and Tony Sparano, Joey Porter will play no matter what those chatty Cathys at ESPN whisper. Personally, I can’t see how Carolina will lose this game. Of course, I can’t see how Kristen Stewart can fall for that phony Pattinson when my hair is clearly better. Pick: Carolina

Feschuk: Hi there! To all the young Twilight fans reading these words thanks to a Google search of “Pattinson and Stewart,” I’d like to welcome you to Can’t Miss NFL Picks and Other Lies. Wait, don’t leave! You may be surprised to learn that Continue…

Note: Can’t Miss NFL Picks can now be found here on the Twitter, where maybe we’ll possibly be making astute observations and cleavage references during NFL games perhaps. Follow us — if you dare (and also if you like jokes about fat guys and John Madden wanting to make it with Brett Favre).

Welcome to Can’t Miss NFL Picks and Other Lies, where Scott Reid is putting together a pretty decent record of pigskin prognostication and Scott Feschuk is apparently trying to make Eric Mangini look competent by comparison. It’s a tough sell, though – we were beginning to think that Mangini was just your regular, ordinary, everyday god-awful coach, but it turns out he’s so much more than that. For instance, there were reports this week that Vernon Gholston – now 24 games into his NFL career, and still looking for his first sack – was picked sixth overall in the 2008 draft by the N.Y. Jets largely because of Mangini’s relentless lobbying. This is impressive. We haven’t seen a guy responsible for undermining two franchises at the same time since Al Davis bumped into Daniel Snyder at an owners’ meeting and spilled some incompetence on him.

Scott Feschuk Last week: 5-7-1 Season: 67-60-2

Scott Reid Last week: 7-5-1 Season: 74-53-1

Chicago (plus 3) at San Francisco, Thursday night

Reid: I’m not saying the Niners need to win this game or their season’s over, but Rosie O’Donnell is standing outside Mike Singletary’s house and practicing scales. (Course, that could have something to do with the fact that Mike left a whole bag of curd on the kitchen counter last night). It’s theoretically do-or-die for the Bears, too. But let’s get real: They’re finished already. Sure, like the new Melrose they persist with the fiction that they’re living and breathing. But they’re on the brink of cancellation. If Heather Locklear shows up in the second half in a Bears jersey split out wide right (and yes, I know exactly how dirty that sounds) that will be the Continue…

Browns GM George Kokinis was fired this week, and I think I speak for all serious football fans when I say: Who? This guy kept a lower profile than the fifth Jonas brother (ie. me).

The most intriguing element of the story is the revelation that Continue…

Scott Feschuk Last week: 9-3-1 Season: 54-48-1

Scott Reid Last week: 8-4-1 Season: 59-43-1

Jacksonville (plus 3) at Tennessee

Feschuk: Tennessee owner Bud Adams is insisting that Vince Young get the start at quarterback this week and that’s just sad – not that Bud is interfering, but that he’s so lousy at it. Here’s the problem: The Titans have been so good for so long that Bud doesn’t have any experience at buffoonish meddling. He needs to be mentored by the Daniel Snyders and Jerry Joneses of the world. I mean, Washington hired a bingo caller to pick its plays – surely there’s a square dance caller, auctioneer or exotic pet in the greater Nashville area on whom Continue…