NFL Picks: These ones are for half the marbles!

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, January 21, 2011 at 5:52 AM - 15 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week 3-1 Playoffs 5-3 Overall 134-105-9

Scott Reid Last week 1-3 Playoffs 2-6 Overall 114-125-9

•••

Green Bay (minus 3.5) at Chicago, Sunday, 3 p.m. ET

Forecast for kickoff: Cloudy, minus 6°C

Feschuk: During a normal week, the 16 NFL games are dissected by 100 talking heads on sports radio. But come the week of the conference championships, there are just two games being “analyzed” by 1,000 talking heads – or 1,001 when you factor in Tom Jackson’s evil twin who picked the Patriots last week. (Jackson hasn’t actually used that excuse yet, but it’s coming.) Bottom line – analysts can start talking themselves into worrying about things that aren’t worth worrying about. (A similar principle is behind how dozens of people have somehow talked themselves into believing Al Davis is still alive.)

Nightmare on Elm Street 6: Freddy vs. JaMarcus

To my fellow problem gamblers, I implore you: Do not allow yourself to be distracted by Continue…

NFL Picks: Putting our best, sexiest foot forward

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, January 14, 2011 at 7:43 AM - 8 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week 2-2 Overall 131-104-9

Scott Reid Last week 1-3 Overall 113-122-9

•••

Baltimore (plus 3.5) at Pittsburgh, Saturday, 4:30 p.m. ET

Reid: This promises to be the Frazier-Ali of post-season matchups. Saturday’s game marks the third meeting of the year between the Steelers and Ravens with each team notching one bone-splitting win apiece. These two are about as friendly as Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell (obviously, Rosie is Pittsburgh – she and Ben have surprising elusiveness for their size. Also, they both dig lesbians).

Personally, I would be shocked if someone isn’t hit so hard his skin falls off during this game. Again, it would be best if this were to happen to Roethlisberger. Then we’d see if he’s as ugly on the inside as he is on the out. I know I suckered a lot of you last weekend with my funny joke about Kansas City winning. I can’t believe how many of you fell for that – only a total jumbodork would bet on Matt Cassel to do anything other than stand still and stain his pants. No joking around this week though: Pittsburgh will win the battle of who is most unable to make first downs, score points and keep their skill players breathing without the help of intubation. Pick: Baltimore.

Feschuk: You’re crazy. Pittsburgh has a better defence, a better quarterback and the only big-time superstar receiver in this game (Mike “Not that Mike Wallace” Wallace). Not to mention the fact the Steelers have a decided advantage with the intangibles, such as special teams and Troy Polamalu’s Head & Shoulders commercials being slightly less annoying than Ray Lewis’s Old Spice ads, which Continue…

NFL Picks: Wild Card Weekend

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, January 7, 2011 at 8:10 AM - 8 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 9-7 Season: 129-102-9

Scott Reid Last week: 8-8 Season: 112-119-9

A note: There may possibly be some NFL-based tweeting this weekend perhaps. Follow Scott Feschuk at @scottfeschuk. Maybe this will coax Reid into actually joining Twitter. I ask you: What possible trouble could Scott Reid get into with an unfiltered outlet for his musings?

•••

New Orleans (minus 10) at Seattle, Saturday 4:30 p.m. Eastern

Feschuk: Did you see how coaching mastermind and Up With People alumnus Pete Carroll waited to tip his hand about who’s going to start at quarterback for his Seahawks. That left New Orleans at the disadvantage of having to prepare for both Dumb and Dumber. That’s some sneaky maneuverin’! It’s too bad Seattle couldn’t bring in The Most Sought After Man in the World, Jim Harbaugh, to coach this game. Or quarterback it. Or use his heavenly powers to part the Saints D-line while curing leukemia with his farts. Because according to sports talk radio Harbaugh could totally do it. HE’S A MICHIGAN MAN! Alas, the Seahawks are stuck with the roster that managed exactly one victory this season against a team that finished with a winning record. Every single one of Seattle’s nine losses this year was by more than 10 points. Every. Single. One. Why? Because they are terrible. TERRIBLE. Do not let yourself forget this: They are a terrible football team that is awful! Although in their defence Mike Williams has had a nice season and Carroll’s hair has never Continue…

NFL Picks Week 17: This is how Brett Favre ends

By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, December 29, 2010 at 8:46 PM - 3 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 8-8 Season: 120-95-9

Scott Reid Last week: 9-7 Season: 104-111-9

•••

Dallas (plus 7) at Philadelphia

Feschuk: Postponing the Vikings-Eagles game because it potentially was going to possibly snow a lot will go down as the final manicured nail on the shiny, polished lady fingers of the pansified NFL. No hard hitting, fellas. No touching the quarterback without his written permission. And y’all come inside now and hide under the bed – it looks like rain. Sure, if they’d gone ahead with the game, maybe the crowd would have been so small that Brett Favre could have revealed his pant possum to every pretty lady in person rather than via text. But so what? It’s football! Men have played football in the face of overwhelming obstacles such as brutal temperatures, howling winds and having Kyle Boller as their quarterback. They and their fans could probably have handled eight inches of snow. Pick: Dallas.

Reid: Following Philly’s embarrassing loss to Minny on Tuesday Night Football, I’m jumping on the ’today’s flavour’ bandwagon and declaring that Continue…

NFL Picks Week 16: Come on feel the penultimateness!

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, December 23, 2010 at 11:29 AM - 2 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 9-6-1 Season: 112-87-9

Scott Reid Last week: 5-10-1 Season: 95-104-9

• • •

Carolina (plus 14) at Pittsburgh, Thursday night

Reid: I know that Pittsburgh will win this game. But can you imagine what would happen if they actually lost to the Panthers? I feel it would mean something significant for the universe. Like maybe just this once, the little guy could climb the podium. Like – I don’t know, it sounds crazy to say out loud – but part of me wonders if Carolina could go to Heinz Field in December and win this matchup then maybe the rest of us might see our dreams come true.

Pick: Pittsburgh.

Feschuk: I too long for a utopian future of abundant Beckinsales, but let’s face it: this’ll be yet another dog of a Thursday nighter. I’m not saying last Thursday’s game between the Niners and Chargers was tedious but midway through the second quarter, the following words were actually uttered by a man for the first time: “Well, I think I’m going to flip over to Grey’s Anatomy.” What’s weird is they were uttered by Joe Theismann, who was calling the game. Pick: Pittsburgh.

• • •

Dallas (minus 6.5) at Arizona, Saturday night

Feschuk: Do you despise your family? Sometimes it’s hard to know for sure. Happily, the NFL is here to help. You’ll know for certain that you hate your loved ones if you Continue…

NFL Picks Week 15: Like flipping a quarter, but with words

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, December 16, 2010 at 1:47 PM - 7 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 7-9 Season: 103-81-8

Scott Reid Last week: 8-8 Season: 90-94-8

•••

San Francisco (plus 9) at San Diego, Thursday night

Feschuk: Who can think about football at a time like this? SCARLETT JOHANSSON HAS DUMPED RYAN REYNOLDS! Naturally, I assume it’s because she’s been made aware of the things I’ve been writing about her in my Dream Journal. Our romantic strolls. Evenings spent cuddling beside the fire. That incident with the whipped cream and pork chops. Clearly, if Scarlett was interested only in surface beauty, she’d have stayed with the Sexiest Man Alive no matter what. So this must mean she’s looking for someone old, overweight and prone to sudden outbreaks of psoriasis and napping. Goddammit Reid, I don’t stand a chance against you. Pick: San Diego.

Reid: Sound analysis, Padawan. Obviously, she’s looking for a switch from the muscular but grapeless Ryan Reynolds. As the artful self portrait I sent Scar just this moment makes Continue…

NFL Picks Week 14: Peyton Manning would like his balls back, please

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, December 9, 2010 at 11:34 AM - 1 Comment

Scott Feschuk Last week: 10-6 Season: 103-81-8

Scott Reid Last week: 9-7 Season: 90-94-8

•••

Indianapolis (minus 3) at Tennessee, Thursday night

Reid: This game is like the old joke about two guys who spot a homely girl walking her dog: Too bad about the one you’re stuck with. After three consecutive losses and bizarrely awful play from Peyton Manning, the Colts are pretty much out of the playoff hunt. How bad are things? To balance their attack, Jim Caldwell announced that Martin Landau will start at running back this week. In Tennessee, they’d die to have Indy’s problems. Not since David Caruso walked off the set of NYPD Blue have we seen such an ostentatious display of quitting. A few weeks ago this team was 5-2. Since then it’s lost seventy-eleven games in a row, been blanked by Houston and started the entire cast of 90210 at quarterback (the original 90210, at least – turns out Ian Ziering can really sling that pigskin). Pick: Indianapolis (surely to God?!)

Feschuk: To prove that things somehow can get worse, there’s breaking news that Peyton Manning has just been charged with violating the league’s substance abuse policy. The substance in question was his head, which Manning kept pounding against a wall after last week’s game. No one who’s this good can stay this bad for much longer  – unless Manning has entered the Continue…

NFL Picks Week 13: Derek Anderson finds none of this funny

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, December 2, 2010 at 5:29 AM - 9 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 10-5-1 Season: 93-75-8

Scott Reid Last week: 7-8-1 Season: 81-87-8

•••

Houston (plus 7.5) at Philadelphia, Thursday night

Feschuk: The league’s ruling on Andre Johnson warrants a revisiting of what occurred on the field. Responding to the trash talk and rough play of Cortland Finnegan – the only NFL player whose name sounds like an Irish hotel chain – the Texans’ receiver ripped off Finnegan’s helmet and punched him repeatedly in the head and face.

To warrant a suspension by the NFL, Johnson would have had to do something truly heinous, such as wearing mismatched socks.

Johnson’s punishment? The exact same fine that Chad Ochocinco had to pay for tweeting too close to game time. It raises the question: what do you have to do to get suspended by the NFL? Do you have to actually murder a linebacker? Defile the corpse of a Hall of Famer? Fail to gently lower Tom Brady to the ground and tenderly kiss him on the forehead while sacking him? Pick: Philadelphia.

Reid: Am I the only one who thinks Andre Johnson deserves a bonus, not a fine? That yapping little Irish poodle got what was coming to him. I wish they’d taken an extra couple minutes to Continue…

NFL Picks Week 12: It’s time to give thanks and concussions

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, November 25, 2010 at 5:29 AM - 7 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 11-4-1 Season: 83-70-7

Scott Reid Last week: 9-6-1 Season: 74-79-7

•••

New England (minus 6.5) at Detroit, Thursday 12:30 p.m. ET

Reid: American Thanksgiving! A time for men in Canada to go missing from work while their American cousins celebrate a long-ago season of genocide. Football, too. Fittingly, it all began in New England. Which is where it will all end for Detroit. Tom Brady’s confidence has grown like his hair. Wild, tangled and irresistible. Detroit had a good little bit of momentum there with two wins and some close losses. But the party’s over. We’re having Lion - dark or white meat? Pick: New England.

Feschuk: Hold on to your giblets! (Or is that now airport security’s job?) About three-quarters of the Patriots’ roster is questionable for this game, including Tom Brady, who has a sore shoulder, a bum foot and a third-degree sprain of his smoldering gaze. Now what’s Tom Cruise supposed to watch on TV? Pick: New England.

•••

New Orleans (minus 3.5) at Dallas, Thursday 4:15 p.m.

Feschuk: The Saints have won three straight to revive their chances of returning to the Super Bowl. Meanwhile, the Cowboys have won two straight to revive their chances of not being hunted for sport in the off-season by Jerry Jones and his billionaire friends. Don’t think Jones is capable of it? The man did an extended cameo on the most recent season of Entourage, for God’s sake. Whatever humanity he once had in him is obviously long gone. Pick: New Orleans.

Reid: Everyone is waiting with bated breath to see if this week will mark  Continue…

NFL Picks Week 11: The pivotal 11/17th point of the season has arrived!

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, November 18, 2010 at 1:12 PM - 6 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 6-8 Season: 72-66-6

Scott Reid Last week: 4-10 Season: 65-73-6

NOW UPDATED!

•••

Chicago (plus 2) at Miami, Thursday night

Reid: With Chad Pennington and Chad Henne both battered and too injured to play, questions are swirling as to where the the Dolphins will find a new Chad able to quarterback their team by Thursday.

Chad Everett? Too toothy.

Chad Michael Murray? Too Continue…

NFL Picks Week 10: Two minutes of bewildered silence in memory of Wade Phillips

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, November 11, 2010 at 1:45 PM - 4 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 5-8 Season: 66-58-6

Scott Reid Last week: 7-6 Season: 61-63-6

Let us sum up the last couple weeks of our pigskin prognostication: Never before have two men (term used loosely) made such an awful series of decisions and not ended up in bed with Tara Reid.

Blake Lively pic used in place of Tara Reid pic for compassion-based reasons

•••

Baltimore (plus 1) at Atlanta, Thursday

Feschuk: It’s the last week of byes, the first week of Thursday night games and yet another week of Ed Reed making opposition quarterbacks poop themselves. (Three interceptions in two games this year; 49 now for his career.) In other news, I was skimming through the CBC website on my daily hunt for news of a Gordon Pinsent-Rita MacNeil sex tape (where are those Canadian content laws when you need them?) when I glimpsed the following headline: “Falcons, Ravens similar yet different.” That’s some good journalisming! These two teams are exactly the same except for being completely opposite. Indeed, the only way you can tell them apart – other than by the fact they’re wholly dissimilar in their identicalness – is that one wears a goatee like evil Spock. Let’s just hope to God that none of these players come into contact with one another during this game or the universe will surely be obliterated, putting an end to existence as we know it and the headaches of my car lease. Pick: Atlanta.

Reid: Matt Ryan is 17-1 in home games. He’s also six-foot-four, Irish as Lucky Charms and has a smile that  Continue…

NFL Picks Week 9: A rolling Moss has got no stones, or something

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, November 4, 2010 at 1:45 PM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 6-7 Season: 61-50-6

Scott Reid Last week: 8-5 Season: 54-57-6

Did you catch Scott Reid among the crowd at last week’s 49ers game in London? If not, don’t think any less of yourself – he was a little hard to pick out.

Let’s get picking in Week 9 of the National (dramatic pause) Football (dramaticer pause) Leeeeeeeeeeeague…

•••

Chicago (minus 3) at Buffalo (at the Rogers Centre, Toronto)

Feschuk: Only this blog has the exclusive transcript of the Buffalo Bills braintrust deliberating whether to claim Randy Moss and/or Shawne Merriman off waivers…

Coach Chan Gailey So I guess what it comes down to is if we’ll be competitive enough in the future to justify the salaries that Moss­­ or Merriman will–

GM Buddy Nix Is it warm in here? It feels warm in Continue…

NFL Picks Week 8: He’s just like a kid we all want to punch in the face out there

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, October 29, 2010 at 5:49 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 10-4 Season: 55-43-6

Scott Reid Last week: 6-8 Season: 46-52-6

Note to readers: Given his prognostic performance of late, Scott Reid has decided to go out for Halloween dressed as the NFC West.

•••

Denver (plus 1) v. San Francisco (in London, England)

Feschuk: In what must surely be payback against Britain for Coldplay, the NFL has dispatched overseas the least distinguished collection of gridiron talent assembled since I took my Nerf football to chess club. What better way to market the game internationally than to showcase one team that gave up 59 points to an offence led by Jason Campbell and another whose coach has decided to start Troy Smith at quarterback, because obviously THAT will solve everything? (I think I’ve figured out why Mike Singletary wears that big cross around his neck while coaching – but the joke’s on him, because everyone who’s seen Twilight knows a cross will only prevent him from getting fired by Al Davis.) Come four o’clock on Sunday afternoon, let’s all join together and watch as the 49ers-Broncos game winds down in London and Roger Goodell is taken away in shackles to the Hague to face charges of crimes against humanity’s eyeballs. Pick: Denver.

Reid: I really like this Troy Smith move. Very shrewd. Go to the untested and unskilled guy over the former No. 1 pick and veteran of some 75 starts. It also pre-conditions perfectly the inevitable decision to bench Frank Gore in favour of Wayne Rooney. This game is going to do for American football what Henry VIII did for the Catholic church. Expect Wembley Stadium to be the site of the world’s Continue…

NFL Picks Week 7: “The worst is the pinching. You wouldn’t expect it.”

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, October 22, 2010 at 6:01 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 7-5-2 Season: 45-39-6

Scott Reid Last week: 6-6-2 Season: 40-44-6

Got a mass email from the Buffalo Bills this week headlined, “Wang tries hand at guard.” It’s about time Favre’s penis got back to work.

Let’s get picking for Week 7…

•••

Cincinnati (plus 3.5) at Atlanta

Feschuk: Big changes in the NFL this week – including a vow to enforce fines and suspensions for head shots, devastating hits, unnecessary canoodling, wet willies and failing to promptly send the quarterback a handwritten note of thanks after an interception. These panicky reforms have led to criticism that American football has become overly pansified. But in the league’s defence, it’s still two-hand touch, right? The Falcons have underperformed of late but I’m going to pick them because this is the new NFL and no one Continue…

NFL Picks Week 6: Brett Favre has something he'd like to show you

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, October 15, 2010 at 5:32 AM - 0 Comments

It’s his moxie. His moxie!

Scott Feschuk Last week: 7-7 Season: 38-34-4

Scott Reid Last week: 5-9 Season: 34-38-4

•••

San Diego (minus 8.5) at St. Louis

Feschuk: San Diego had two punts blocked last week against Oakland and I know I’m not alone in blaming Michael Ignatieff. Get off your goddamn bus and block a man, eyebrows! The New York Times is calling San Diego “the best 2-3 team you’ll ever see,” and you can understand why: the Chargers are first in the league in offence, second in defence and third behind only Dallas and Minnesota in coaches who during critical late-game moments look as though they’re Continue…

NFL Picks Week 5: The Unbearable Misery of Bills' Tailgating

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, October 7, 2010 at 3:21 PM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 6-8 Season: 31-27-4

Scott Reid Last week: 7-7 Season: 29-29-4

•••

St. Louis (plus 3) at Detroit

Reid: At 2-2, the Surging Rams (dibs on that name if ever we form a pro-wrestling tag team) are the class of the NFC West thanks to my can’t-win-no-how 49ers. And yet, against the 0-4 Lions, they will get points. Does that seem fair? Sure, Detroit put Green Bay through their paces. Sure Shaun Hill (who couldn’t complete a sentence in San Francisco) played well last week. And sure, Ndamukong Suh was named Dr. Bruce Banner until he was caught in that gamma radiation blast. But the Rams are rolling and playing confident football. Statistically, they’re better than the Lions in every major category – including coaches with unexpected vowels. This could be a hard-fought matchup between two improving losers. Not unlike us. Pick: St. Louis.

Feschuk: I’m buying into the Lions. I realize that’s an almost indefensible position to take, so let me distract you from my remark with this bold prediction: Miami coach Tony Sparano will be Continue…

NFL Picks Week 4: THIS GUY Jon Gruden is becoming intolerable

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, September 30, 2010 at 9:08 PM - 0 Comments

Welcome to Can’t Miss NFL Picks and Other Lies, with Maclean’s columnist Scott Feschuk and Scott Reid, former senior advisor to Prime Minister Paul Martin.

Scott Feschuk Last week: 8-8 Season: 25-19-4

Scott Reid Last week: 7-9 Season: 22-22-4

•••

Cincinnati (minus 3.5) at Cleveland

Feschuk: Reading the stats page isn’t sufficient – you have to actually watch Carson Palmer’s passes with your own eyes. Either he’s missing his receiving targets by a wide margin or the invisible 12-foot-tall wideout to whom he’s throwing has got a bad case of butterfingers. Eric Mangini is 0-3 but with some luck he could be 3-0 and with some luck and ball gag he could be 3-0 and tolerable to be around. Cleveland wins this one outright. You heard me. Pick: Cleveland.

Reid: I love it when you drink in the afternoon. You come up with the craziest ideas. Cleveland winning outright is right up there with a relaunch of Hawaii 5-0 or hosting the Commonwealth Games in New Delhi. At least the Games will be over in a couple weeks. As for Mangini, he’s so deeply boned that he might as well change his first name to Paris. Pick: Cincinnati.

•••

Denver (plus 6.5) at Tennessee

Reid: Kyle Orton threw 57 passes for 476 yards last week. And still lost. That’s like barbecuing an entire cow and Continue…

NFL Picks Week 3: The Bills are who we thought they were

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, September 24, 2010 at 6:36 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week 7-8-1 Season: 17-11-4

Scott Reid Last week 7-8-1 Season: 15-13-4

Welcome to Week 3 at Can’t Miss NFL Picks and Other Lies. We would like to state for the record that despite what you saw last week, we have no intention of crudely luring people into our football-based blog by displaying photographs of random attractive ladies unless their appearance herein holds measurable educational value. Because that would be wrong.

Above: Minka Kelly demonstrates an effective method of avoiding shin splints.

• • •

Tennessee (plus 3) at New York Giants

Reid: Surgeon General’s Warning: watching this game could lead to death from Blood Dulling. This rare but always deadly disorder afflicts those so impassive that their blood simply quits caring – and circulating. Often misdiagnosed, this affliction was jointly recognized by the CMA and AMA last year after a mysterious rash of deaths among Nicholas Sparks readers. Vince Young will start. Or not. Who cares? Giants will run. And gain a yard each play. It will slowly drain your interest and flatten your arteries. Kerry Collins? Are you kidding me? What – Betty White was booked? Pick: New York.

Feschuk: It’s a relief to know my current symptoms could be Blood Dulling brought on by watching last week’s Steelers-Titans game (barely 200 passing yards combined) and not the even deadlier Brain Dulling, brought on by reading Ezra Levant’s Twitter feed. Pick: Tennessee.

• • •

Buffalo (plus 13) at New England

Feschuk: Trent Edwards is out and Continue…

NFL Picks Week Two: Rise of the 53 Packages!

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, September 17, 2010 at 11:46 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 10-3-3

Scott Reid Last week: 8-5-3

Twelve more of these, and we'll have made up for last week's pic of Reid.

Pittsburgh (plus 5) at Tennessee

Feschuk: It’s overreaction Sunday! Let’s all overreact based on what we witnessed last weekend. The 49ers are terrible! Michael Vick should be a starting quarterback! Brett Favre prefers his Metamucil served with a straw! And the Titans are an unstoppable force of nature, like tornados or my hatred for that Papa John guy! I like Tennessee, and I like Chris Johnson, and I like the scent of lavender (not relevant in this context, probably) but I think this spread is too big given how well the Steelers’ D played last week. Let’s see how Vince Young handles coverage and pressure. (Prediction: three interceptions, two girlish screams.) Pick: Pittsburgh.

Reid: Overreaction Sunday! It’s right up there with Hungover Monday or Keep Your Hands To Yourself, Creep Wednesday. I share your analysis: The Steelers D looked pretty solid and I remain far from sold on Vince Young. He has all the emotional durability of Joaquin Phoenix. I say this is a gimme. Take these points, splash some lavender behind your lobes and prepare to be a winner. Pick: Pittsburgh.

•••

K.C. (plus 2) at Cleveland

Reid: When I saw this line I assumed it had to be the work of those guys who designed the antenna for the iPhone 4. It’s that incompetent. Of course, my theory could never be correct. Steve Jobs had those guys skinned alive and Continue…

NFL Picks Week 1: Let the futility begin!

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, September 9, 2010 at 9:46 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Reid: To the delight of tens, we’re back!  (Ok, maybe just ten – but the part about being back is indisputable). Back with cogent analysis. Skillful breakdowns. Fearless predictions. And the best one-on-one chemistry since Booth and Bones (obviously, I’m Booth). Indeed, here at Macleans.ca we are celebrated as a more erudite, slightly less homoerotic version of the Wells-Coyne online coupling. All that plus endless references to boobies, poutine, zombies and under-appreciated television stars. Let’s start this week with Dirk Benedict – who didn’t so much as get a cameo in either the Galactica re-boot or the new A-Team movie. Which, incidentally, was freakin brilliant – at least two and a half times better than The Losers.

I’ve been asked many times this summer for my take on Brett Favre’s entirely un-shocking retirement/unretirement, Cincy’s signing of TO, Revis’ holdout and what Conservative MP – and all-round terrific guy - Dean Del Mastro might look like half-naked, caked in dried mud from the Dead Sea and hanging off of an impossibly handsome blond man. I can profess expertise on only Continue…

Super Bowl XLIV: A liveblog, but with naps and long pauses

By Scott Feschuk - Sunday, February 7, 2010 at 12:24 PM - 14 Comments

10:03 a.m. ET Five hundred and eight minutes before kickoff, ESPN’s four-hour pre-pre-game show opens, and within mere seconds there’s the sound of… horns… violins… oh my God they couldn’t already be going to Well of Over-the-Topness, could they?… and suddenly a graphic on the screen: “Every Ring Has a Story, Narrated by Andy Garcia.” That sound we hear – could that be a… lute? Cue the images of old-timey football. “Every ring has a story, a story carved in gold,” Garcia says, slowly, verrrrrrry slowly, like a supervillain in a Bond movie or Kevin from The Office. “A story adorned in gems – 43 histories of kings, and the crowns they’ve worn upon their hands.” Easy, dude – leave some forced gravitas for later in the day.

10:20 Panel discussion on Dwight Freeney’s ankle, the most talked-about body part in America this week, having finished slightly ahead of Sarah Palin’s hand and Tiger Woods’ naughty bit. A consensus emerges: the ankle is either going to be sore or it’s not, and it’s either going to be a huge factor or no factor or possibly a minor factor. With intel that solid, is there even any reason left to play the game?

10:33 We’re told the NFL has spent $6-million on security for the Super Bowl to ensure “an incident-free event.” And yet no one has raised a finger to stop Mike Ditka from assaulting the English language.

11:01 Panel discussion about Peyton Manning. Tragedy strikes when so many complimentary adjectives are used up that we’re temporarily left with no way to describe Scarlett Johansson’s body.

11:08 Feature on Indianapolis fan whose goal is to tattoo onto his body the autographs of all 53 members of the 2007 Super Bowl-winning Colts. He’s currently at 32. “When Tony Dungy agreed to sign my left shoulder, that’s the point I realized Continue…

NFL Picks: The Super Bowl of football games

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, February 4, 2010 at 9:08 AM - 9 Comments

* Be sure to enter our Super Bowl Challenge, located here.

Scott Feschuk Last games 0-2 Playoffs 5-5 Season 131-129-6

Scott Reid Last games 1-1 Playoffs 5-5 Season 133-127-6

Reid: Let’s begin by looking back at Media Day at the Super Bowl, the sort of cringe-worthy spectacle of excess that makes one wonder if maybe Thomas Malthus was on to something. It’s a guilty pleasure,  stripped of all pleasure.

This year’s particular highlights were Continue…

NFL Picks: The Conference Championships

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, January 22, 2010 at 10:21 AM - 8 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week 1-3 Playoffs 5-3 Season 131-127-6

Scott Reid Last week 3-1 Playoffs 4-4 Season 132-126-6

Permit us to take a moment to quietly celebrate the new contracts given to Wade Phillips and Norv Turner. Now if a few stubborn owners would just sign Andy Reid’s girth, Brad Childress’s beard and Tom Cable’s blank stare to five-year extensions, all our jokes for next season will have already written themselves.

OK, on to the games…

New York Jets (plus 7.5) at Indianapolis, Sunday, 3 p.m. ET

Reid: Are you like me? Have you had enough of the Rex Ryan love-in? Judging by this week’s media love-clench, you’d think he’d just been pushed out of his job by Jay Leno. He’s the George C. Chickenhawk of the NFL. Calling on all comers. Shooting his mouth off. Sticking out his belly. (Ok, that one’s not a put-on). Here’s the thing about this game: Indy cannot lose. Can. Not. Lose. And they will not lose. Rex Ryan’s team could barely beat some guy named Painter when the whole season was on the line. Against Manning, they’ll be fish food. Revis can only cover one receiver at a time and Manning is too fast off the blitz. By the end of the first half, Sanchez is going to look Bill Daily from I Dream of Jeannie: stumbling, stammering comic relief. (Although Daily did his best work on the Bob Newhart Show – much like Sanchez did his best work at USC). Pick: Indianapolis (by a mile).

Feschuk: This is no time for your precious “logic.” After Sunday, we’ve got two whole weeks until the Super Bowl – two long weeks of press conferences and media days, interrupted only by the three-hour patch of comedy relief known as the Pro Bowl (starring Vince Young and – by the time all the Super Bowl contenders and “injured” players drop out – JaMarcus Russell, Jim Plunkett and the chick who played Blossom). And who would you rather be stuck with for those two interminable weeks before the big game? The quick-witted, fast-talking, over-confident Rex Ryan or Jim “Someone Swears They Saw Him Blink Last Tuesday” Caldwell? I love Continue…

NFL Picks: Divisional Playoff Weekend

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, January 15, 2010 at 5:06 AM - 8 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week 4-0 Season 130-124-6

Scott Reid Last week 1-3 Season 129-125-6

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Arizona (plus 7) at New Orleans, Saturday, 4:30 p.m. ET

Feschuk: Hard to say who had a better weekend – Kurt Warner or me. On Old Man Warner’s side of the ledger, he went 29-for-33 against the Packers, tossed more touchdowns than incompletions and still got home in time to watch Murder, She Wrote. I, on the other hand, went a perfect 4-0 in my picks – winning widespread admiration from men* and gazes of intense sexual longing from women**. If New Orleans plays like it did for much of the year, I think they handle the Cardinals. But here’s the thing: Arizona actually ran the ball a ton last weekend (and very successfully) while over the past few weeks the Saints’ run defence has revealed itself to be more fractured than NBC late night. Assuming Kurt Warner is willing to stay up past his bedtime to see this thing out, Arizona has a shot at the upset. Pick: Arizona.

* Not true. ** The lady at Subway kinda winked (possibly a tic).

Reid: Last week – on my way to a blistering 1-3 record – I boldly stated, “If Green Bay loses this game, I’ll put anything you say on my face for at least 10 seconds.” So when Michael Adams stripped Rodgers and Karlos (what’s with the ‘K’?) Dansby walked the ball in to win the game in OT, I knew something truly awful was in my future. But even I couldn’t imagine Continue…