NFL Picks Week 17: Feschuk v. Reid – who will be the least most completely incompetent?

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, December 31, 2009 at 11:15 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 6-10 Season: 119-115-6

Scott Reid Last week: 5-11 Season: 119-115-6

Feschuk: After 240 football games, we are both barely above .500 (not surprising, in that we are not good at this) and we have the exact same record (somewhat surprising, in that you had a 10-game lead on me just a few weeks ago – before you went all “Brad Childress” on us).

Given our records, a wager of some sort is clearly in order. And not one of those wussy political wagers where one mayor pledges to send a crate of locally made jerky to the other mayor. I’m talking about a man’s wager – a wager that would make Tom Selleck’s moustache proud.

Loser buys the crantinis?

Reid: Crantinis are sorta girly, no? For the sake of our masculine image, let’s go with Kir Royale. I have to confess, after a fairly respectable season, I’ve been on a spectacular three-week chokefest. I feel about as confident as a piece of pecan pie sitting out on John Goodman’s counter.

Here’s my challenge. The loser must agree to accompany the other on an “extreme” adventure of the other’s choosing. For example, if I win, we would go Continue…

NFL Picks Week 16: Grandma Got Run Over By a Freeney

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, December 24, 2009 at 10:25 AM - 6 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 7-6-3 Season 113-105-6

Scott Reid Last week: 3-10-3 Season 114-104-6

It’s Christmas Eve and we still haven’t wrapped Bill Cowher for the people of Washington, so let’s keep things brief…

San Diego (minus 3) at Tennessee, Christmas night

Feschuk: Nothing says “Christmas spirit” quite like gathering around the TV as a family and counting the number of times that Norv Turner looks as though he’s trying to remember if he turned his car lights off (Spoiler alert: 73). Pick: Tennessee.

Reid: This game means nothing and will still be fun to watch – which makes it Continue…

NFL Picks Week 15: In spirit of season, Jay Cutler will giftwrap interceptions for $5

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, December 17, 2009 at 7:00 AM - 1 Comment

Scott Feschuk Last week: 11-5 Season: 106-99-3

Scott Reid Last week: 6-10 Season: 111-94-3

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Indianapolis (minus 6.5) at Jacksonville, Thursday night

Reid: I am one who always craves the chance to bear witness to history –much like Max the 2000 Year Old Mouse. So I was angry when David Tyree used his velcroed head to rob us of the chance to see the Patriots go 19-0. But now I want something even better: A clash of the undefeated in the Super Bowl. Imagine it. 18-0 Indy takes on 18-0 New Orleans. It would be the greatest of all games. The most historic of all seasons. And finally, Mercury Morris would be forced to shut his yapping hole. In other words: Don’t even think about it Jacksonville! Pick: Indianapolis.

Feschuk: I don’t know, buddy – Jacksonville always plays Indy tough. This one is going to be as close as the riveting season-long tussle between Terry Bradshaw and borderline literacy. Pick: Jacksonville.

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Dallas (plus 7) at New Orleans, Saturday night

Feschuk: When Brett Favre returned to Lambeau, Fox kept a camera on him all game long – you could watch the “Favre feed” live on your computer. And you know what? It was boring. But you know what wouldn’t be? A camera that Continue…

NFL Picks Week 14: To you from wobbly hand Jay Cutler throws the ball. Be yours to intercept it.

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, December 10, 2009 at 11:30 AM - 1 Comment

Scott Feschuk Last week: 5-11 Season: 95-94-3

Scott Reid Last week: 5-11 Season 105-84-3

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Pittsburgh (minus 10) at Cleveland, Thursday night

Feschuk: Mike Tomlin promised his team would “unleash hell” in December, but they must have heard him wrong because they played like hell against Oakland. This sort of misunderstanding happened pretty much every week on Three’s Company, so the good news is that all Tomlin needs to do to get his team into the playoffs is have Ben Roethlisberger make a pass at Mr. Roper. (Playing Cleveland four times in a row would also help.) Pick: Pittsburgh.

Reid: I still miss Jerome ‘Chrissy’ Bettis. And I grant you that Mindenhall makes a pretty fair Cindy (mmm…Jenilee Harrison). The problem is that instead of Continue…

NFL Picks Week 13: Sixteen games, nine Tiger Woods jokes. Feels about right.

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, December 3, 2009 at 10:50 AM - 5 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 9-7 Season: 90-83-3

Scott Reid Last week: 11-5 Season 100-73-3

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NY Jets (minus 3) at Buffalo, Thursday in Toronto

Reid: Welcome to Toronto, NFL prime timers. Feel free to enjoy your tailgate party on the Jack Astors patio – but remember: no smoking, swearing or raising your voice. We wouldn’t want to upset the anti-Island airport crowd. Last year, the Rogers Centre hosted what most sentient creatures regard as the least watchable football game in history. This year the Bills promise all that times two. One hates to bet on the Jets after their pitiful recent record. And Lord knows what will happen if Rex Ryan learns he can get unpasteurized cheese down the highway in Montreal. But you’ve got to believe the New York defence can at least stop Ryan Fitzpatrick. Pick: New York.

Feschuk: Both these teams experienced some early season optimism. But then they both ran over the fire hydrant of overconfidence and smashed head-on into the tree of harsh reality. Now they’re just two teams praying that Tiger Woods has enough money to pay Superman to reverse the rotation of the earth and turn back time. Pick: Buffalo.

Oakland (plus 13) at Pittsburgh

Feschuk: True story: Disgruntled Raiders fans have bought billboard space in town and put up the message: “Mr. Davis, do the right thing. Please hire a GM.” Ever the populist, Davis immediately agreed – and hired a new Buick Lucerne. Honk if you disagree we should bring back Jim Plunkett. [Silence.] I like the cut of your jib, Mr. Buick! Pittsburgh needs to win this game the way Tiger Woods needs to get accustomed to onanism. Pick: Pittsburgh.

Reid: What’s with Hines Ward anyway? He’s like the Keith Martin of the NFL – but without the medical degree or height. Calling out your star QB as a wimp is like Continue…

NFL Picks Week 12: Eat One for the Gipper, Americans

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, November 26, 2009 at 5:28 AM - 13 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 8-8 Season: 81-76-3

Scott Reid Last week: 9-7 Season: 89-68-3

It’s American Thanksgiving – the most exciting afternoon of the year for Canadian sports fans who hate their jobs and their co-workers but love references to turkey, mental images of post-meal pants unbuttoning by fat guys and the thought of thousands upon thousands of American families sitting down to break bread in peace and harmony until a crotchety grandparent mutters something about the Twilight movies being stupid, at which point the eye gouging shall begin.

Green Bay (minus 10.5) at Detroit, Thursday 12:30 p.m. ET

Reid: American Thanksgiving always brings to mind the old Dennis Miller line that he’s planning to mark the occasion by killing his neighbours and taking their things. This year, Detroit may issue the invite— but it’s the Lions who are going to get slaughtered. It’s pretty simple math in Motor City: No Matt Stafford = No chance. Green Bay has upped its game over the past two weeks and can’t afford to blow this win if it hopes to stay in the playoff hunt. Expect a Thanksgiving Day massacre that would make the pilgrims proud. Pick: Green Bay.

Feschuk: Americans just can’t catch a break. First, the economy tanks, costing them millions of jobs. Second, Creed gets back together. And now their Thanksgiving afternoon will kick off with a game involving the Detroit Lions, a team so unwatchable that football fans may have Continue…

NFL Picks Week 11: Wherein You (Yes, YOU) Get a Chance to Beat Scott Reid

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 6:04 AM - 9 Comments

* Update: Winner of the Beat Scott Reid Challenge announced below in the comments.

Scott Feschuk Last week: 6-8-1 Season: 73-68-3

Scott Reid Last week: 6-8-1 Season: 80-61-3

There are few things more enjoyable in life than beating Scott Reid at something – just ask Stephen Harper. And now it can be your turn!

Can’t Miss NFL Picks and Other Lies is proud to present the First Annual Beat Scott Reid Challenge. How’s it work? Simply email in your picks for this week’s games to sfeschuk@sympatico.ca (feel free to post them in the comments, too, but they MUST be emailed in to be eligible).

If you get more games right than Scott Reid, you’ll be entered into a random draw to receive something that’s NFL-related and valued in the tens of dollars (no, not Terrell Owens’ work ethic).

Deadline for entries is kickoff of Thursday night’s game – though if you miss that you can still enter by Sunday at 1 p.m. ET and just have the Thursday game count as a loss. Spreads will be as listed in our picks below. All decisions of the judges, including which of the Landers sisters was hotter, are final.

Miami (plus 3) at Carolina, Thursday night

Reid: We have now gone three weeks in a row without an interception from Jake Delhomme. That’s the football equivalent of Robert Pattinson going three weeks without appearing on the cover of a teen magazine. So colour me skeptical about Miami’s chances in this matchup. Ronnie Brown won’t play. Chad Henne can’t play. But by God and Tony Sparano, Joey Porter will play no matter what those chatty Cathys at ESPN whisper. Personally, I can’t see how Carolina will lose this game. Of course, I can’t see how Kristen Stewart can fall for that phony Pattinson when my hair is clearly better. Pick: Carolina

Feschuk: Hi there! To all the young Twilight fans reading these words thanks to a Google search of “Pattinson and Stewart,” I’d like to welcome you to Can’t Miss NFL Picks and Other Lies. Wait, don’t leave! You may be surprised to learn that Continue…

NFL Picks Week 10: Now with 37% more Adrian Zmed references!

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 6:18 AM - 18 Comments

Note: Can’t Miss NFL Picks can now be found here on the Twitter, where maybe we’ll possibly be making astute observations and cleavage references during NFL games perhaps. Follow us — if you dare (and also if you like jokes about fat guys and John Madden wanting to make it with Brett Favre).

Welcome to Can’t Miss NFL Picks and Other Lies, where Scott Reid is putting together a pretty decent record of pigskin prognostication and Scott Feschuk is apparently trying to make Eric Mangini look competent by comparison. It’s a tough sell, though – we were beginning to think that Mangini was just your regular, ordinary, everyday god-awful coach, but it turns out he’s so much more than that. For instance, there were reports this week that Vernon Gholston – now 24 games into his NFL career, and still looking for his first sack – was picked sixth overall in the 2008 draft by the N.Y. Jets largely because of Mangini’s relentless lobbying. This is impressive. We haven’t seen a guy responsible for undermining two franchises at the same time since Al Davis bumped into Daniel Snyder at an owners’ meeting and spilled some incompetence on him.

Scott Feschuk Last week: 5-7-1 Season: 67-60-2

Scott Reid Last week: 7-5-1 Season: 74-53-1

Chicago (plus 3) at San Francisco, Thursday night

Reid: I’m not saying the Niners need to win this game or their season’s over, but Rosie O’Donnell is standing outside Mike Singletary’s house and practicing scales. (Course, that could have something to do with the fact that Mike left a whole bag of curd on the kitchen counter last night). It’s theoretically do-or-die for the Bears, too. But let’s get real: They’re finished already. Sure, like the new Melrose they persist with the fiction that they’re living and breathing. But they’re on the brink of cancellation. If Heather Locklear shows up in the second half in a Bears jersey split out wide right (and yes, I know exactly how dirty that sounds) that will be the Continue…

NFL Picks Week 9: You can take Zorn's power but can't take his digni- oh, you just did

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, November 6, 2009 at 4:50 AM - 5 Comments

Browns GM George Kokinis was fired this week, and I think I speak for all serious football fans when I say: Who? This guy kept a lower profile than the fifth Jonas brother (ie. me).

The most intriguing element of the story is the revelation that Continue…

NFL Picks Week 8: FavreFavreFavreFavreFavreFavreFavre…

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, October 29, 2009 at 1:24 PM - 1 Comment

Scott Feschuk Last week: 9-3-1 Season: 54-48-1

Scott Reid Last week: 8-4-1 Season: 59-43-1

Jacksonville (plus 3) at Tennessee

Feschuk: Tennessee owner Bud Adams is insisting that Vince Young get the start at quarterback this week and that’s just sad – not that Bud is interfering, but that he’s so lousy at it. Here’s the problem: The Titans have been so good for so long that Bud doesn’t have any experience at buffoonish meddling. He needs to be mentored by the Daniel Snyders and Jerry Joneses of the world. I mean, Washington hired a bingo caller to pick its plays – surely there’s a square dance caller, auctioneer or exotic pet in the greater Nashville area on whom Continue…

NFL Picks Week 7: Vick, JaMarcus, McNabb and the First Ever Can’t-Miss Caption Challenge!

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 5:14 AM - 17 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 6-8 Season: 45-45

Scott Reid Last week 7-7 Season: 51-39

Kudos to the Oakland Raiders for defying the odds, the skeptics, the sane and all known human logic by defeating the Philadelphia Eagles last week after a three-game stretch in which they were outscored 96-16.

It was a memorable game. For instance, there was that crazy pigeon. Man, that pigeon was crazy! Also, Donovan McNabb called a timeout when his team didn’t have any timeouts. Man, that pigeon was crazy! Also … well… uhh…. oh yeah! – the game gave us this tender photograph, featuring former dog enthusiast Michael Vick and former good quarterback (college only) JaMarcus Russell, with McNabb as the date’s third wheel.

Here’s the challenge: Come up with a funny-type caption for the picture and enter it in the comments below. The winner, selected by a jury of us, will receive a gift valued in the tens of dollars. Winner announced Monday morning.

New England (minus 14.5) vs. Tampa Bay (at London)

Reid: There are worries that the short week, brutal travel schedule and five hour time-change will play hell with New England. But Brady says not to worry, he’ll still find the stamina to nail every model in London. Beating Tampa Bay by at least 14.5 points – that’s for sure the easy part. Frankly, I don’t really understand what the NFL is up to with this overseas regular season game. Sure, people will tell you that American football has lots of fans in Britain. But are we ever going to have European teams? Sunday games with the Oakland Raiders versus the Liverpool Lorries? (Incidentally, the Lorries opened as 13-point favourites). Why go through this nonsense? Does Belichick want to see Billy Elliot: The Musical that badly? Pick: New England.

Feschuk: New England was a sight to behold last Sunday against Tennessee, scoring with a passion and intensity not seen since Pinky Tuscadero rolled into Milwaukee and hooked up with the Fonz before the big demolition derby. The football world hasn’t seen so total a defeat since Wade Phillips tried to open that bag of Doritos. But were the Titans much of a test? I wouldn’t be all that surprised if Continue…

NFL Picks Week 6: Not above putting Jessica Simpson in title to increase traffic

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, October 15, 2009 at 6:11 AM - 6 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 8-6 Season: 39-37

Scott Reid Last week: 8-6 Season: 44-32

Ah, week six of the NFL season – the pivotal 35.294% mark of the long gridiron campaign. The cream is rising to the top. The wheat is being separated from the chaff. And the “inspirational” bulletin board material in the Rams locker room consists of brochures for January cruises.

K.C. (plus 6.5) at Washington

Feschuk: Over the last four weeks, the Redskins have played the Rams, Lions, Bucs and Panthers (aka the Four Horsemen of the Spazocalypse). Combined, those teams have a record of 2-17. Against which team did both those wins come? Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 Washington Redskins! Running back Rock Cartwright (I believe he graduated from Bedrock U) put it this way after losing to Carolina: “You can’t cry over spoiled milk.” Yes, Redskins fans, it’s gotten this bad: your team can’t even succeed in executing the fundamentals of sports clichés. Pick: K.C.

Reid: This was all so predictable. Not only could Zorn not defeat Kirk, he just stood by and watched Continue…

NFL Picks Week 5: In which Gruden works up the nerve to ask Favre to the prom

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, October 8, 2009 at 6:25 AM - 5 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 6-8 Season: 31-31

Scott Reid Last week: 7-7 Season: 36-26

What the hell happened to parity? The NFL used to be all about parity, but so far this season we’ve got five teams at 4-0 and five teams at 0-4 (plus Detroit, which thanks to its 2008 performance has been accorded honorary winless status despite being 1-3).

I raise this issue of parity to slyly distract you all from the fact that Scott Reid – who until this season couldn’t pick a winner with a time-traveling DeLorean and an overacting Christopher Lloyd – is outperforming me with a solid 36-26 record. In my defence, it should be noted that I am 31-0 in games that I’ve picked correctly.

Minnesota (minus 10) at St. Louis

Feschuk: Even in a topsy-turvy NFL characterized by wholesale unpredictability, a few things remain constant: Norv Turner will always do something stupid, Drew Brees will always find a way to throw for 350 yards and Pat and Kevin Williams will keep on losing pocket change, government documents and opposing quarterbacks in their belly buttons. Breathe deeply, Marc Bulger – you’re going to be stuck inside a long time. On the plus side, I think Aaron Rodgers left a half-eaten Snickers down there. Pick: Minnesota.

Reid: According to late-breaking media reports, Rush Limbaugh is putting together a bid to become the new owner of the Rams. In an unrelated item, the “Great Big Right Wing Arseholes Who Are Out to Ruin the NFL” club just sent Daniel Snyder a note saying, “Your services will soon be no longer required.” Pick: Minnesota.

Pittsburgh (minus 10.5) at Detroit

Reid: Wow. Pittsburgh found its running game and it’s coming from something called a Mendenhall. Isn’t that the leading manufacturer of harpsichords? Or one of those fancy Continue…

NFL Picks Week 4: Where football and John Mayer's junk intersect

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, October 1, 2009 at 3:44 PM - 6 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 7-9 Season: 25-23

Scott Reid Last week: 8-8 Season: 29-19

Welcome to Can’t Miss NFL Picks for Week 4, the first bye week of the season… not counting Week 3 when Carolina said “bye” to its last remnants of credibility. In honour of the Panthers’ QB, all interceptions thrown this Sunday afternoon shall be referred to as “delhommes.”

Oakland (plus 9) at Houston

Reid: According to Forbes, Bill Gates saw his personal fortune erode by $20-million a day over the past 12 months. That’s roughly the same pace at which JaMarcus Russell has seen his goodness-at-football deteriorate. Over the first three games, he’s thrown four times as many interceptions as touchdowns (hint: he’s only hurled one TD). He’s completed about 40% of his passes. His QB rating is a Jack Benny-ish 39. He’s fat, he can’t sing and if he continues to perform this poorly, someone’s going to ask him to serve as leader of the Liberal Party of Canada. The latest hot rumour is that the Raiders will pick up just-released Jeff Garcia and name him this week’s starter. Why not? They’re deep down the well of ‘At this point anyone would be better.’ Is DeForest Kelley still alive? Give the Doc a shot. Pick: Houston.

Feschuk: But Jim – he’s a doctor, not a miracle worker. And although DeForest Kelley is in fact dead, this does not entirely rule out the idea of him replacing Russell. Think about it: If Patrick Swayze could cross the firmament in 1990 just to give Demi Moore a goodbye kiss, then surely God has no choice but to give Bones McCoy a weekend pass to lead the Raiders to glorious victory and then go haunt the crap out of Shatner. I’m pretty sure it’s in the Bible. Pick: Houston.

Cincinnati (minus 5.5) at Cleveland

Feschuk: Hey everybody – stumped for what to get your football-loving pal for his birthday? Give the gift of a week at Brady Quinn’s Fantasy Backup Quarterback Camp (clipboard and headset included)! Derek Anderson is the new starting QB in Cleveland because, yeah, that’ll solve everything. Meanwhile, here’s my understanding of how the NFL works. The Bengals go out and Continue…

NFL Picks Week 3: Tailgating = post-apocalypse + fountains of nacho cheese

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, September 25, 2009 at 9:00 AM - 6 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 11-5 (Season: 18-14)

Scott Reid Last week: 12-4 (Season: 21-11)

Week 3 Picks follow below — but first: tailgating! Sure, we spent six hours in traffic last Sunday thanks to uptight, power-mad border guards and the fact that every bloody highway in western New York just happened to be closed, either for construction or for kicks (That’ll learn them Canadians!). But the Bills-Bucs game itself was a blast and the tailgating was tremendously fun and caloric. Plus, the Bills won, thereby reducing the post-game potential for flying bottles, parking-lot fires and jokes about bringing back O.J.

People sometimes ask us what it’s like to tailgate down at Ralph Wilson Stadium. Perhaps the best answer can be found in the following Continue…

NFL Picks Week 2: Brady v. Sanchez—first guy to 10 supermodels wins

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, September 18, 2009 at 7:32 AM - 5 Comments

Scott Feschuk: Last week 7-9

Scott Reid: Last week 9-7

Not a stellar opening week for either of us, but it’s early in the season. The men haven’t even been separated from the boys yet. Which, if you think about it, means the men are still playing with the boys – which seems unfair, and a little too much like weekends at Neverland. (Too soon?)

Tampa Bay (plus 4.5) at Buffalo

Feschuk: I was reading the other day that several NFL players – and this is for real – have agreed to donate their brains to help study the effect of head trauma on NFL players. I guess no one told Leodis McKelvin he’s supposed to wait until he’s dead to do it. McKelvin’s boneheaded Monday night fumble, when my Bills were so close to upsetting the Pats, was an absolute heartbreaker. Wide right, the Music City Miracle, watching Drew Bledsoe try to “run” – being a Buffalo fan is soooo tough. I’m thinking of taking up a less painful hobby, like genital piercing or voting NDP. By the way, you may have heard that McKelvin’s lawn was vandalized the day after the game, and I just want to go on record as saying I got all this sod and muck in my boot treads from gardening. Yeah, gardening. That’s it. (You’re part McKelvin on your mother’s side, right? Need a dented mailbox with the family name?) Pick: Buffalo.

Reid: The horror of McKelvin’s decision to run the ball out of the end zone was matched only by the class of Terrell Owens in slagging his teammate after the game. As if the dude had no other way of learning that he had screwed up. Of course, Owens didn’t stop there. For good measure he threw in some choice criticisms of QB Trent Edwards. This after Owens notched two catches and – wait for it – one drop! Yes. That’s right. TO was dropping balls again – as though he’s Leodis’ spiritual father. TO – you’ll have led this team into civil war by week 6. Fans of Buffalo (who tend to be erratic and defiantly unmedicated) believe last week’s game was evidence the team is underrated. I prefer to believe it’s evidence they’re still outstanding at finding ways to crush their fans’ spirits. Lucky for them, they’re facing Byron Sandwich and the sad remnants of a once-great defence. Pick: Buffalo

New England (minus 4) at New York Jets

Reid: Tom Brady did some amazing things Monday night. He threw more than 50 passes. He led his team to a rousing fourth-quarter comeback. And he made Suzy Kolber run like her paycheque depended upon it. (Which, it sorta does). Rookie Mark Sanchez marshaled his team to an opening day victory and suddenly, he’s as popular as William Shatner at an all-girls retirement home. It all amounts to one whoppingly generous line for this game. Sure, New England’s defence looked as old as Rex Ryan looks custard-filled. But that’s no reason to narrow things down this low. Take New England and gorge on the spread. Pick: New England.

Feschuk: It’s been quite a week: We had a “smize” duel on America’s Next Top Model – what? you don’t know what a “smize” is? it’s when you “smile with your eyes,” like models do in magazines and Rex Ryan does when he smells bacon – and now we get Brady v. Sanchez in the greatest sexy-hot-quarterback showdown since Terry Bradshaw glimpsed himself in the mirror and thought he was his own evil twin. Belichick is a genius and all that, but his defence has more soft spots than Vince Wilfork’s torso. Pick: Jets.

New Orleans (plus 1) at Philadelphia

Feschuk: The Eagles looked great last week crushing the Panthers – so on one hand you’ve got to factor in their talent level and sense of determination, but on the other you’ve got to factor in Donovan McNabb’s cracked rib and the fact that Andy Reid is still winded from last Sunday’s victory jog to the locker room. That said, people may be over-reacting to Drew Brees’ six TDs last week – remember, they were against the Lions, so when we convert them to “real” stats it’s less like “throwing six touchdowns” and more like “successfully hitting the urinal.” Pick: Philly.

Reid: Wrong you are, rumpled one. New Orleans has all the tools. They may not look quite so good up against top-notch clubs but with all that talent, they deserve the benefit of the doubt. Until they lose, I’m riding these guys all the way to the dance. And they’re going up against Kevin ‘corn on the’ Kolb. He’s got more pressure on him than anyone in the NFL this week. With Garcia’s signing and the third QB slot written in ink for Vick, Corn On is playing for his job. If he falters, Garcia takes his spot on the depth chart and he’s on a bus outta town. The heat will get to him and he’ll make mistakes. Pick: New Orleans.

Houston (plus 6.5) at Tennessee

Reid: Man, a few nervous Nancys in Vegas or what? A week ago, Houston was set to take the league by storm. One loss later and they’re picking up points the way Jeff Fisher picks up hair dye (Cheval Noir #7 if I know my moustache rinses). This is what sucks about betting early in the season. Who knows if Tennessee is good because they stayed step for step with Pittsburgh? Maybe it means Pittsburgh and its complete lack of a running game simply isn’t as good as we thought. Or maybe it means their moon was in retrograde. Who the hell knows? But I wouldn’t pass up a line like this so early in the season. Pick: Houston.

Feschuk: You’re onto something here. My favourite part of early-season NFL is the predictable overreaction of analysts and experts – Drew Brees is going to get 1,000 TD passes! The Panthers are going to go 0-16! Tony Romo is competent! A week ago, the Texans were being called things like “Super Bowl contender.” Now they’re being called things like “the Houston Texans.” Even though I have to admit that the Titans’ D and Fisher’s moustache both look to be in mid-season form, I’m taking Houston to cover. Pick: Houston.

Cleveland (plus 3) at Denver

Feschuk: For reasons I don’t fully understand myself, I was watching the end of last week’s Broncos-Bengals game when Brandon Stokley snagged that tipped pass and ran it in for the win. And you really had to be watching it live to appreciate not only the improbability of the play – apparently, God decided to stop tormenting Kate Gosselin long enough to make it happen – but also the epic nature of the play-by-play call by Gus Johnson, who is to verbal restraint what Amy Winehouse is to all other forms of restraint. When Stokley grabbed the ball, Gus screamed, “Oh God!” – which doesn’t look all that impressive when typed, except he screamed it as though he’d pulled back the bed covers to discover a horse’s head or, worse still, a Spears. OH GOD!! I quite literally thought that I could see Gus Johnson’s larynx shooting out of the press box and slowly drifting down to the field. It was awesome. Anyhoo, I’m not going to bet against any team to whom the man upstairs felt He owed a solid. Pick: Denver.

Reid: Lost in the sheer spectacle of Stokley’s play and Johnson’s call was Josh Daniels on the sideline who fell to his knees, burned some St. John’s Wort and mumbled his gratitude in Latin to the dark powers for answering his spell. Daniels needed this win the way Cher needs the life essence of 20-year-old men. A loss would have led to such ugliness. But let’s face it. Not much went right for Denver until the final play of the game. Good for them that they’re back home this week and facing a team that, to put it technically, blows. Everyone wants the Browns to be better. The NFL is more fun when the Browns are good. But they’re not good. And this week that will be on display. Way to go Josh. And don’t forget to stay inside the salt circle or the demons you summon could turn on you. Pick: Denver.

St. Louis (plus 9.5) at Washington

Reid: Jason Campbell didn’t exactly answer his critics last week. Or his fans. Or Heath Shuler who called to say, “Are you me?” St. Louis went up against a much better team than Washington last week. But even still, the Rams’ offensive and defensive lines look softer than my waistline (I wanted to say ‘your waistline’ but ever since you went on that ridiculous weight loss/fitness/self-improvement schtick I have only myself left to call fat. Sigh, times change). Pick: Washington.

Feschuk: Full disclosure: I don’t care about this game and have no insight to share. Meanwhile, have you heard that John Madden has been named a special advisor to the NFL commissioner with a mandate to advise on potential changes to the game? I mention this so you’re not surprised when the Super Bowl comes and the winning coach gets doused with gravy. Pick: St. Louis.

Cincinnati (plus 9) at Green Bay

Feschuk: After losing to the Broncos, a team only slightly less dysfunctional than the Lohans and Canada’s democracy, the Bengals head to Lambeau – and don’t you get the feeling that right now even Marv Lewis is wondering what it would take for him to get fired? Does he have to order his team captain to go out for the coin toss and call, “Purple?” If we were to scour the land in a quest to find someone, anyone, less good at what he does than Marv Lewis, I think we’d pretty quickly have to narrow the search to Cuba Gooding Jr.’s house. Pick: Green Bay.

Reid: I have a theory that Marv Lewis hasn’t been fired because he’s not real. He’s the Paul McCartney of NFL football. The real Marv Lewis, the one who insisted on rock-hard defensive discipline, mental toughness and maximum effort while coaching in Baltimore was sadly killed driving near St. Albert’s Hall. He blew his mind out in a car. He didn’t notice that the lights had changed. Since that day, the Bengals have had an imposter pretend to be Marv Lewis. Luckily, this imposter looks in every way like the genuine article. Unluckily, he never really learned all the confusing rules of football. Obviously, his tenure as a coach has been terrible. But what is the team owner to do? If he fires faux-Lewis, then the disgruntled doppelganger will reveal the whole scheme. But if he keeps him around, the team will continue to be a straight man for Ochocinco’s Sonny Bono style of humour. Frankly, I sympathize with the Bengals. They’re in a real bind. Pick: Green Bay.

Arizona (plus 3) at Jacksonville

Reid: Against San Francisco, Kurt Warner looked old, gray and scared. Sort of like Madonna every time a woman under 30 walks by. Jacksonville, rumoured to be ‘good,’ didn’t exactly trip the light fantastic in Week One either. I was having a hard time deciding where to place my bet until Anquan Boldin came out this week and said his team sucks. Who am I to argue? Dude is onto something. Pick: Jacksonville.

Feschuk: He didn’t say they suck – he was just irked about the sloppiness, the penalties and the way old man Warner kept taking his teeth out in the huddle. Classic bounce-back game. (Yes, I just used wagering terminology. Accept it.) Pick: Arizona.

Carolina (plus 6.5) at Atlanta

Feschuk: I want to officially apologize to the Carolina Panthers for picking them to go to the Super Bowl. It’s like the Sports Illustrated jinx, but you don’t get injured – you get awful. The Panthers had a chance to make a statement last week against Eagles. Unfortunately, the statement they made was, “Here, would you like this ball?” That said, talk about another Vegas overreaction – Carolina lost to a very good team in Week One; Atlanta beat Miami. Let’s try to keep things in perspective here people. Pick: Carolina.

Reid: You’re a reverse rabbit’s foot if ever one existed. You even had me fooled. I took them last week largely on the strength of your recommendation. But I should have learned my lesson about listening to you after taking your advice to meet with that nice Mr. Madoff about investment opportunities. And yet, here I am again agreeing with you. This line is erratic. It’s nuts to pass up this many points. Pick: Atlanta

Seattle (plus 1.5) at San Francisco

Reid: I love Mike Singletary. I love his energy. His attitude. His kisses on that hyper-ticklish hollow on the back of my neck. I love him. Love him. Love him. Love him. If I was a man, I’d want to be just like him. But Lord, I hate this line. It’s so out of whack. It should be taking eight points from Seattle. THEN, I’d bet my Niners. But a pick ‘em? Come on!! That’s not fair. But I love Mike Singletary. And if I bet on Seattle it will be a betrayal of him and all that he’s got going so far. I can’t do it. I have to rise above reason and choose Love. Pick: SF.

Feschuk: I’d sit back and bask in the glow of your tender affection for Mike Singletary, but I can’t help but feel for Adrian Zmed. You said all those same things about him, and now he’s working the Princess Cruise Lines alone, standing by the railing in the moonlight, staring at the Alaskan coastline and dreaming of what could have been. Yours is a fickle man-love. Pick: Seattle.

Oakland (plus 3.5) at K.C.

Feschuk: After watching the Raiders play on Monday night, I foresee Oakland being game enough to keep this one close and maybe even knock off the Chiefs. Then again, I also foresee an inexplicably bikinied Olivia Wilde getting a flat tire in front of my house, and that never seems to happen. I’m starting to run out of glass shards. (FYI, it would look something like the photo illustration below, but it would be at night and I’d be there casting a reassuring gaze while subtly ripping the phone cord out of the wall.) Pick: Oakland.

Reid: Another AFC West classic. I’d really like to watch this. I would. Honest. But I’ve got a bunch of Mantracker’s taped and if I don’t get to them, I’ll just fall behind on season’s major story arc. Pick: Oakland

Baltimore (plus 3) at San Diego

Reid: Here’s the unpleasant truth: LT is so over that he might as well just take his place in the washed up Hall of Fame and start dating Heather Locklear. I watched with awe this week as people absorbed Monday night’s Raiders-Chargers duel and concluded the Raiders were better than expected. Huh? More like the Chargers remain bizarre underperformers. Sloppy play. Untough. And LT looked like he belonged in a flag football league. Now he’s injured (or wearing a boot, at least). Buddy even fumbled, and he’s not supposed to ever do that. It’s sad. He was great. But so was the first season of Heroes. That’s all behind us now. Pick: Baltimore.

Feschuk: San Diego was the trendy AFC Super Bowl pick for many pundits this pre-season. Call me old-fashioned but I have a hard time banking on a team whose coach, no matter the game situation, always sports a facial expression that seems to ask, “Wait, did I leave my car lights on?” Pick: Baltimore.

Minnesota (minus 10) at Detroit

Feschuk: I know Minnesota’s air game didn’t look so great last week, but you have to remember it’s a process of transition: when it seemed as though the quarterback would be Tarvaris Jackson or Sage Rosenfels, they didn’t even have a forward pass in their playbook. (By the way, I ordered the sage rosenfels last night at Olive Garden – delicious.) More important, did you see the beard on Brad Childress? Trimmed to a George Michaelesque precision! They decide these games based on facial grooming, right? Pick: Minnesota.

Reid: Detroit looks to keep this one close as I look through Kate Beckinsale’s window imagining that if she spots me, our eyes will lock, she’ll smile seductively and motion for me to enter for a night of crazed I-know-he’s-a-stalker-but-I-couldn’t-resist-him-anyway sex. Adrian Peterson would gain a hundred yards in this game if showed up wearing a fat suit. This will be fun to watch – just to see the colours the Lions’ players make when they get hit and burst open. Pick: Minnesota

Pittsburgh (minus 3) at Chicago

Feschuk: In what coach Lovie Smith describes as the best way to maximize his club’s chances of victory, Chicago will start Jay Cutler again at quarterback this week. In what Steelers coach Mike Tomlin described as the best way to maximize his club’s chances of victory, Pittsburgh will play the Chicago Bears this week. Pick: Pittsburgh.

Reid: I don’t like Chicago but Pittsburgh failed to impress me with its lack of a running game last week. And the loss of Polamalu cuts deep. So I’m taking the Bears. Just cause. (Being whimsically unpredictable is part of what makes me attractive. My extra long eyelashes are the other part). Pick: Chicago.

New York Giants (plus 3) at Dallas, Sunday night

Reid: I know that everyone will be jazzed to see the fancy new home of “America’s Team”. As we bear witness to the prime-time unveiling of the new Cowboys Stadium, Jerry Jones will take centre stage. And, just to make him feel accepted, every fifth fan at the game will remove their face, cut it in half and then stretch what’s left back over their skull. It should be a night to remember. Truth is, these two division rivals are pretty evenly matched as far as we know so far. But it’s like I always say: when in doubt, piss on Dallas. Pick: Giants.

Feschuk: I’m not saying the Cowboys are putting too much stock in having beaten Tampa Bay, but a cocky Wade Phillips came out and announced that from now on his players will be taking things 1.5 games at a time. Come on, Cowboys: Tampa’s defence consists of Ronde Barber and 10 Jack Lambert Fatheads. Let’s see Romo drop back and throw when there’s something coming at him other than nothing. Pick: Giants.

Indianapolis (minus 3) at Miami, Monday night

Reid: North America should send Jon Gruden flowers. Comparing him to Tony Kornheiser is like comparing Scarlett Johansson to Susan Boyle. Monday nights are fun to watch again, thank God. Gruden is witty, animated and smart. He’s the natural successor to Madden. Too bad that he’ll be hired back onto the field next year. So let’s at least enjoy him while we can. As for the game, Indy may not be what they used to be but Miami never was what they used to be. Last year’s whole season was like a sleight of hand brought to you by the good people in the league office. They gave the 2008 Dolphins a schedule so easy that we should officially refer to last year as “two thousand and Lohan”. Expect Indy’s offense to get started early and often. This will be a blowout. Pick: Indianapolis.

Feschuk: Prediction: Colts win big. Another prediction: It’s going to be splittsville for Jessica Alba and Cash Warren. Or it will be once my Charles Atlas starter kit arrives in four to six weeks. Pick: Indianapolis.

NFL Picks Week 1: Like Brett Favre, we just don’t know when to quit. Or shut up. Or shave.

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, September 10, 2009 at 10:23 AM - 7 Comments

The National Football League season begins tonight, and we’re ready with a new blog name – Can’t Miss NFL Picks and Other Lies – but the same old outcome you’ve come to love and ridicule: abject futility, mixed with celebrity bosom references and fat-guy jokes.

Take a look around. The telltale signs of a new NFL season abound. Guys preparing to watch 10 consecutive hours of Sunday football. Wives preparing their divorce petitions. Kyle Orton preparing to dejectedly unsnap his chin strap after tossing up yet another interception. And the best part is that NFL 2009 begins with so many unanswered questions: Will Brett Favre lead the Vikings to the playoffs? Is Tom Brady fully healed? Will all of the Bengals be able to post bail?

Join us this week and every week as we attempt to predict the outcome of the weekend’s NFL games while slyly failing to acknowledge that we failed in our attempt to predict the outcome of the previous weekend’s NFL games.

Now, on to the prognostic impotence!

Thursday’s Game

Tennessee (plus 6) at Pittsburgh

Scott Feschuk: Sure, the Titans lost a lot when they lost Albert Haynesworth, but they’ve Continue…