Newt Gingrich: best trivial pursuit president ever

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, January 30, 2012 at 10:20 AM - 0 Comments

iStock; Getty Images; Reuters; Photo Illustration by Levi Nicholson

As Republicans move closer to choosing a presidential nominee, more and more Americans find themselves asking that old chestnut of a question: if I could sit down in a bar and have a beer with any of the candidates, why wouldn’t I stay home instead?

This past week saw yet another televised debate for the handful of hopefuls who remain, including: Rick Santorum, who looks like he received his share of wedgies as a boy; Mitt Romney, who looks like he delivered a few; and Ron Paul, who kind of resembles one. Continue…

I see you think I’m not very interesting

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, January 23, 2012 at 9:50 AM - 0 Comments

Apple; Getty Images; iStock; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

An open letter to the person with whom I was having a nice conversation until he looked down at his phone and started pecking away at the keyboard for, like, 10 minutes.

Dear Señor Jerkface,

I’m not a big “manners” person. I don’t care which fork you use to eat your salad, so long as it’s not mine. But while you and I are dining together, perhaps you would deign to keep your hands and eyes off your mobile phone for more than 30 seconds at a time.

No? Very well—might I see your device for a moment? How sleek and stylish! And how very clumsy of me to accidentally drop it into my soup, then drop the soup into a crocodile, then push the crocodile out of a helicopter.

Continue…

Wait, what’s this column about again?

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, January 16, 2012 at 10:10 AM - 0 Comments

Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

A new study has found that memory loss begins as early as one’s mid-forties. But as one who has just entered his mid-forties, here’s something even more distressing: the study found that memory loss begins as early as one’s mid-forties.

It’s official: you are reading the words of a man who is as with it as he is going to get.

And it’s not just memory. The study, published in the British Medical Journal, also found that over a period of 10 years there was a 3.6 per cent decline in mental reasoning among men aged 45-49. Worryingly, that may be enough to make the brain succumb to nefarious plots like email scams and Adele songs.

I have long had a love-hate relationship with my brain: I love me and it hates me. My memory has always been lousy and it’s unsettling to imagine it eroding even further.

Continue…

Liberals offer Canadians conversations, $1 each

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, January 9, 2012 at 11:30 AM - 0 Comments

Getty Images; iStock; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

Anyone out there remember the Liberal Party of Canada? Governed our country for the better part of the 20th century. Produced five leaders who each ruled the land for at least eight years. Briefly tried to convince us that John Manley had charisma. Is any of this ringing a bell?

What some of you may not know is that the Liberal party still exists. It’s true! In fact, by one measure the Liberals currently rank second of the three major federal parties. (That measure? Alphabetical order.)

The buzzword among party members these days is renewal. This month Liberals will gather in Ottawa for the party’s biennial convention (“biennial” from the Latin meaning “no longer able to afford an open bar”). At the convention, Liberals will try to demonstrate they are a relevant 21st-century political force by refusing to accredit bloggers and likely choosing old-guard stalwart and human klaxon Sheila Copps to be party president. EVERYONE CLEAR THE TRACKS FOR THE RENEWAL TRAIN!

Continue…

How exactly does Santa know I’m sleeping?

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, December 19, 2011 at 11:40 AM - 0 Comments

Getty Images; iStock; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

To aid in your enjoyment of the holidays, please consult this list of answers to Frequently Asked Questions about the songs of the season.

Q: According to God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen, a blessed angel delivered “tidings” of the birth of Jesus—but only “unto certain shepherds.” Why?

A: Fortunately, theologians recently unearthed a transcript from the nightly shift briefing of angels on the evening in question: “Big night, folks. Big night. Coffey, Bates, Renko: you’re on choir duty. Let’s keep it peppy: Big sound. Blinding lights. Killer harp solo. Belker: you alert the shepherds. Bring tidings and so forth. But listen: only to certain shepherds, okay? We’re introducing a messiah, not holding a rave. And not Gary the shepherd—that guy’s a tool.”

Continue…

The NDP’s human shields of tedium

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, December 12, 2011 at 9:40 AM - 0 Comments

CP; Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

The first debate of New Democratic Party leadership hopefuls, televised live on CPAC, answered a number of important questions: Ottawa? Broken. Conservatives? Out of touch. Production values? Can’t afford them.

The Republican presidential debates in the U.S. have featured expensive-looking video backdrops. The NDP opted for something much cheaper: humans. They shoehorned women and men behind the nine contenders to succeed Jack Layton. Presumably, party officials wanted to convey the multicultural appeal of the party—and they would have succeeded, too, had audience members not looked as though they were contestants on a reality show entitled Remain Grim-Faced or This Puppy Gets Stabbed.

Still, these human shields of tedium were easily the most fascinating element of an otherwise platitudinous affair. For instance, there was a moment when front-runner Brian Topp caught fire with a passionate call to action—but then one of the guys behind him started picking at his ear. (At his own ear, to be clear—not at Topp’s ear. Still: distracting.)

Continue…

Get off your lazy axis!

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, December 5, 2011 at 10:40 AM - 0 Comments

iStock; Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

Dear Earth,

We’re still sweet on you and everything, and you totally remain one of our favourite spheres—but over the last couple months, something has changed between us. You’re different. You’ve grown colder, less hospitable. You’ve gotten… darker.

In the hopes that you’re willing to change, we wrote this poem for you.

Love, Everyone

Like, WTF, Earth?
In the annals of what prompts despair
Ranked just above losing one’s hair
(But below wedding a Kardashian)
Is the sun going down at 4 p.m.

The roads with headlights are festooned
Though the clock says it’s still afternoon.
Our skin so pale, our moods defective
Disorders seasonally affective.

The early dusk makes tempers short
Our smiles the dark will surely thwart.
Reduced we are to glares and glowers
When our star is keeping banker’s hours.

And in our homes as many yawns
As shirtless scenes in Breaking Dawn.
PJs, slippers, vim diminished
And Jeopardy’s not even finished.

Up north the dark’s a constant pest
The sun no more than fleeting guest.
It peeks out briefly just to tease
Like a thong above a woman’s jeans.

December’s global truth behold!
Some must be hot, some others cold.
A tilt of 23 degrees
Makes Earth one big McDLT.

(Was that last reference too obscure?
I know that’s not the meal du jour.
But I thought it surely would be glib
To compare our Earth to a McRib.)

Each year it takes us by surprise
The early gloaming, late sunrise
The street lights coming on at four
And your grumpy eight-year-old just swore.

Come summer we’ll stand in ovation
To praise the ways of your rotation.
But a curse, a hex, a thousand pox
Upon autumnal equinox.

And winter solstice, even worse
The hour of dusk just plain perverse.
It’s a cruel and truly heartless ruse
To make a day short as Tom Cruise.

Across our cranky hemisphere
There comes a unifying cheer:
Hey Earth—get off your lazy axis!
Autumn’s no time to relaxis.

We hear you’re suffering climate change
Hot flashes have you feeling strange.
And word is that we are the cause
Of your planetary menopause.

Perhaps a deal we can beget
(Though technically it’s more a threat):
Spare us from the winter bummers
Or we’re all buying H2 Hummers.

It’s not as though we’re asking much
Just angle your fat arse a touch
So your top half leans toward the sun
And the next four months don’t make us glum.

For some there’ll be a cost, we’ll vouch
The briefer daylight hours will ouch
Much like a kick in the genitalia
Thanks for your sacrifice, Australia.

Planning a better mid-life crisis

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, November 28, 2011 at 10:50 AM - 0 Comments

Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Stephen Gregory

So I’m having my mid-life crisis now—and so far it consists of struggling to decide what to do for my mid-life crisis. Who knew that choosing the physical manifestation of my crippling self-doubt and fleeting mortality would be so stressful?

In my 20s, I always assumed I’d wake up one morning, slap on a hairpiece and embrace a fun new hobby like curling or alcoholism. But the truth is, people judge you on the originality and quality of your crisis. It’s like a science fair for middle-aged people: you don’t want to be the guy struggling to hook up a potato battery while the genius next to you breeds an advanced race of atomic supermen.

That’s why I decided right from the start to rule out all the clichéd mid-life crises for men. Among them:

Continue…

My list of the worst toys for Christmas

By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, November 23, 2011 at 11:20 AM - 0 Comments

CP; Getty Images; iStock; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

The Canadian Toy Association recently showcased its annual list of “must-have” toys for the holidays, featuring the usual array of gadgets and gizmos that require enough batteries to power the sun.

This list of hot toys always attracts some good press. Getting far less publicity, for some reason, is my annual list of Worst Toys for Christmas:

Stupid Thing From China You Can’t Get Out of the Package, Dammit. You’ve tried scissors, a screwdriver, now a blowtorch—but the sucker won’t budge. So many wires! So much plastic! The sweat is beading on your forehead. Your hands are starting to shake. That thing’s not coming out and your kid is not getting any happier. Hurry up, Daddy! WANT THE UNICORN NOW!

Continue…

Tim Hortons goes beyond the double-double

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, November 14, 2011 at 9:30 AM - 0 Comments

Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

So Tim Hortons sells lasagna now, which makes sense because lunchtime is when our workplaces finally stop smelling like the company’s breakfast sandwiches. Now the pungent aroma of hot beef and tomato sauce can prevail from noon until the Ritual Mid-Afternoon Microwaving of Popcorn By the Colleague We All Secretly Hate.

Even so, Tims selling bowls of lasagna casserole is a little weird, right? The company’s commercials seem to acknowledge this. A guy buys the stuff for lunch and his work pals are like, “Tims sells WHAAAA?” One character seems equally thrilled and confused by the notion, as though the very idea is utterly mad—like going to Starbucks for good chow mein or Red Lobster for good seafood.

And now the iconic coffee chain is starting to serve lattes, too, because apparently people in smaller towns across the country have been demanding the right to overpay for warm milk. One thing is for sure: Tims getting into the latte business is a body blow to Canadian political rhetoric. What easy symbol will aspiring populists now co-opt to identify and belittle the so-called elites of the land? This could be the break you’ve been waiting for, artisanal bread.

Continue…

Don’t we all need a cool alien sidekick?

By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, November 8, 2011 at 8:20 AM - 0 Comments

Getty Images, iStock; Photo illustration by Taylor Shute

Dear Scientists:

Many of you have chosen to devote your lives to preventing disease and curing illness. Enough with the selfishness already.

The time has come for you to join together, buckle down and deliver on the innovation that humanity really wants—namely, the kind we see in science fiction movies.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s great and everything that some of you are toiling to rid our planet of the scourge of malaria. But FYI, I still can’t order up a burrito supreme from a replicator and eat it in my hovercar.

Here are the things we’d like now, please.

Continue…

Follow your heart? Get real.

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, October 31, 2011 at 8:30 AM - 0 Comments

AP; Bloomberg/Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

After Steve Jobs died, his famous 2005 speech to university graduates went viral all over again. Many find the address moving and inspiring. But in a magazine issue dedicated to students at the beginning of their adult lives, it’s worth asking: just how practical is the late Apple CEO’s advice?

Jobs began his speech by talking about his decision as a young man to quit college. Only after dropping out, he said, was he able to drop in on the classes he actually found interesting, such as instruction in calligraphy. (His knowledge of fancy lettering later paid off when Jobs was designing the typeface for the first Macintosh computer.) His point: you should always go with your gut, make bold decisions and “trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.”

Surely we can all agree that giving up on formal education and, instead, learning how to draw pretty letters worked out well for Steve Jobs. Then again, Jobs was a genius and a once-in-a-generation creative talent, so I suspect that dropping out of school to study the banjo or grow the world’s largest pumpkin would also have done the trick.

Continue…

How about a little NDP trash talk?

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, October 24, 2011 at 9:40 AM - 5 Comments

Getty Images; CP; iStock; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

Let’s get to know the men (and so far it is only men) who are running to become leader of the New Democratic Party. This is a very important job because, as the old saying goes, the winner will be a heartbeat away from being four years away from having a very slim chance of being prime minister. Also, he gets a nice house.

Romeo Saganash. I don’t know much about Romeo Saganash but I know this: Romeo Saganash is a terrific name. It sounds like a 1970s concept album by Styx or a fake boyfriend invented by an unpopular high school girl. You guys, you JUST missed seeing Romeo Saganash again! He was totally here in his Corvette and sideburns!

Nathan Cullen. The B.C. MP keeps emphasizing that he relishes his role as an underdog, which is a fancy way of saying, “Hey, everybody, look at me—I’m losing.” Cullen says his main goal is to bring climate change to the very top of the nation’s policy agenda, which is so adorable that you just want to tousle his hair and make the guy a cup of hot cocoa. Crazy kids with their dreams.

Continue…

Why I miss the minority government

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, October 17, 2011 at 8:00 AM - 2 Comments

CP; Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

Maybe I’m a weirdo but I miss minority government. I miss the tension, the brinkmanship, the Liberals being even remotely relevant. I miss the thrill that comes with John Baird going hyper-partisan, his face turning the kind of purple that under different circumstances would prompt a good Samaritan to apply the Heimlich manoeuvre. I caught a bit of question period not long ago and heard Baird use something that sounded an awful lot like an inside voice. It was as jarring as listening to Back in Black performed by a harpist.

It’s been a tough transition for the political enthusiast. Without the ever-present threat of an election, the Conservatives have no reason even to pretend to feign fake-caring about opposition queries. And the opposition seems similarly disinterested. This is pretty much every exchange in the House these days:

Continue…

Don’t let the depression get you down

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, October 10, 2011 at 10:10 AM - 3 Comments

Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

During a recent lecture in Ottawa, a prominent British commentator offered his assessment of the global economy. Martin Wolf referenced debt loads, bailout funds and all that—but permit me to distill his message to its essence: EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

Indeed, by the time Wolf was done speaking of likely default in Europe and a potential worldwide depression, it felt as though nomadic Huns were poised to smash through the walls and make off with our animal skins and womenfolk. His vision of the future made The Road sound like a buddy comedy.

Wolf is by no means alone. These are prosperous times for pessimism. Pretty much every day now we wake up to news that the Hang Seng is down three per cent, which is a bummer because hearing “Hang Seng” used to be so much fun, in that it sounded like a bounty hunter from Star Wars. When it comes to retirement, many of us have given up on the dream of Freedom 55 and now grudgingly accept the reality of Freedom Andy Rooney, wherein we position ourselves behind a desk and keep working until we’re 92.

Continue…

At last, the job of my dreams

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, October 3, 2011 at 10:20 AM - 7 Comments

Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

As children, each of us held in our imagination an idea of the job we’d hope to have when we grew up. Some yearned to be an astronaut or a firefighter. John Baird clearly aspired to become the world’s first human-klaxon hybrid, and mission accomplished. As for me—well, I recently discovered that the dream job of my youth had finally come open.

It was posted recently on LinkedIn. The employer? Maple Leaf Foods. The position? Marketing Manager, Bacon.

To be candid, I hadn’t, as a boy, narrowed it down specifically to “Marketing Manager, Bacon.” I would also have accepted “President, Bacon” or “Jedi Knight, Bacon.” I just knew I wanted to work with bacon. (Yes, I was a husky lad.)

On the list of my favourite things in this world, “bacon” ranks in the top three—just above “the smell of bacon” and just below “the rare morning when my kids don’t finish their bacon and I pretend to be ticked at them and get all theatrical as I take away their plates but then I cram the remaining bacon into my mouth all at once on the way to the dishwasher and I feel ashamed but also, mmm, gawwwwwwd that’s good.”

Continue…

A fellowship of geniuses, minus one

By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, September 27, 2011 at 9:20 AM - 0 Comments

Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

Each fall a U.S. foundation bestows “genius grants” of a half-million bucks on a bunch of academics, artists and other accomplished individuals. But what’s puzzling about the 2011 crop of “geniuses” is that the prestigious field is completely devoid of me.

Frankly this comes as a shock. Why, just last week at the symphony a woman came up to me and said: “Do up your fly, genius.” It seemed the people were on board with my candidacy.

The so-called “genius awards” are presented by the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, a charity that features its benefactors’ middle initials—the monocle of name accessories—and therefore must have scads of cash. They are not to be confused with the “super genius awards” presented by the Wile E. Coyote Foundation.

Continue…

A seven-point plan? Please. Mine has nine!

By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, September 20, 2011 at 10:00 AM - 2 Comments

Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

This week’s debate among Republican candidates for the U.S. presidency was sponsored by Tea Party Express, which sounds like something you’d find next to the Orange Julius but is in fact an umbrella organization for grassroots groups dedicated to the pursuit of low taxes, small government and—to judge from the debate audience—$8 haircuts.

Broadcast on CNN, the debate began with a display of the gravitas we’ve come to expect from American politics—a snazzy video montage in which each candidate was assigned a cute nickname. Michele Bachmann was introduced as The Firebrand. Newt Gingrich? The Big Thinker! One immediately lamented the absence of Sarah Palin, if only to discover which nickname she’d have been given. (The Little Thinker?)

The frontrunner in the Republican field is Rick Perry, who has the look of a man who’s just returned from hoodwinking J.R. Ewing in an oil deal. The Texas governor scored big with his opening line, in which he vowed to “make Washington, D.C., as inconsequential in your life as I can.” He should consider hooking up with a specialist in making things inconsequential, such as the person who wrote the final four seasons of Entourage.

Continue…

Your guide to this season’s hockey parents

By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, September 13, 2011 at 10:10 AM - 3 Comments

Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

It’s September and a new wave of little kids and their parents are experiencing minor hockey. The boys and girls don’t need any help having fun. As for Mom and Dad, some fair warning: here’s a guide to some of the parents you can expect to encounter over the next several winters.

“Talks Only About His Own Kid” Dad. This plentiful specimen of parent will gleefully analyze for you his child’s every pass, shot, mood swing, haircut, tweet and cereal preference. Come February, he still won’t know the names of half the other kids on the team. You can spot him easily because he’s the only dad keeping a plus-minus stat for a six-year-old.

“Complains About Ice Time” Dad. This father can often be found insisting that the team would have triumphed if only his child hadn’t been shortchanged by 23 seconds there in the second period.

Continue…

Danishes are better than muffins

By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, September 6, 2011 at 9:30 AM - 7 Comments

Everett Collection; Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Sarah Mackinnon

Jack Layton’s state funeral raised important questions such as, “What is the future of the social democratic movement in our country?” and “What happened to the rest of the Parachute Club?”

But more important, the New Democrat leader introduced to many of us the concept of the “farewell letter”: a final piece of correspondence to be released upon one’s passing. As Layton demonstrated, this is a powerful way to say goodbye, shape one’s legacy and maybe try a little bit to kiss up to voters in Quebec.

Jack’s letter is an example worth emulating—and given life’s tenuous nature, it’s never too soon to get to work on that first draft. The only problem is that few of us will depart with the accomplishments and public regard of a Jack Layton, so our letters may fall a little short as inspirational documents. For example, mine:

Continue…

When Mars really attacks

By Scott Feschuk - Tuesday, August 23, 2011 at 10:20 AM - 11 Comments

Everett Collection; Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

Economist Paul Krugman has found a novel way to illustrate his view that more stimulus is required to jolt the U.S. economy to life. “If we discovered that space aliens were planning to attack,” he said on CNN, “and we needed a massive buildup to counter the space alien threat . . . this slump would be over in 18 months.”

So it has come to this: the best hope for the U.S. economy is that Independence Day turns out to be a documentary.

But is Krugman right? In a time of unprecedented partisan rancour, how would today’s America really respond to an interstellar invasion?

Continue…

James and the Giant Poo

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, August 15, 2011 at 9:20 AM - 11 Comments

Getstock; Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

Many kids are currently off at summer camp, away from the lure of electronic devices and the strictures of personal hygiene—and far away from their parents, who yearn for correspondence from their children when not secretly delighting in their absence.

What follows in italics is an actual letter home from Algonquin Park from our 12-year-old son James. It is presented with its original spelling and grammatical errors. Commentary and analysis are provided for your edification. It begins:

One of the many things I am looking forward once I get home is a tolet that doesn’t get clogged so easily and when it gets clogged people don’t keep pooing in it until there is poo two inches over the water level.

Continue…

Hey kids, time to walk slowly past old stuff

By Scott Feschuk - Monday, August 8, 2011 at 10:05 AM - 8 Comments

iStock; Getty Images; Photo illustration by Taylor Shute

After enduring the Spider-Man musical, which is neither good nor bad-good enough to warrant more words than these, we wandered through Central Park toward the Guggenheim Museum. It was time to get the kids some culture.

That’s a thing we’re supposed to do as parents: expose our children to “culture.” Enough of this having fun and enjoying everything we’re doing, kids—it’s time to walk slowly past some old stuff.

At the Louvre last summer, our family and every other tourist in Paris had the idea of heading straight for the Mona Lisa when the museum opened. At first we all walked casually. But the competitive instinct kicked in. Soon we were race-walking. Grown men were throwing out their elbows and grunting. Our boys charged ahead, weaving through the fading old ladies. They don’t remember anything about the painting but still talk about how they blew past a large Italian family on the final turn before the salon.

Continue…

Summer camp, Tea Party style

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, July 28, 2011 at 1:30 PM - 8 Comments

iStock; Getty Images: Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

Nothing beats the memories we make at summer camp. Leaping into a cold lake. Toasting marshmallows over a bonfire. Being lectured about how socialism erodes the ambition of the individual.

That last bit of good-time summer fun comes courtesy of the Tea Party, whose members in Tampa, Fla., recently organized a camp for children aged eight to 12. They called it Liberty School—and being a camper there answered certain questions (“How does government undermine my free will?”) while raising others (“Why are my parents doing this to me?”).

What could be more thrilling for a kid than to spend a summer’s day putting names to portraits of America’s founding fathers? What nine-year-old boy doesn’t dream of whiling away a sunny afternoon being subjected to a screed about the evils of the Federal Reserve? One assumes the ritual singing of Kumbaya was replaced with a group reading of Atlas Shrugged.

Continue…