A Running Diary of the Super Bowl Pre-Game Show For Some Reason

By Scott Feschuk - Sunday, February 1, 2009 at 12:39 PM - 5 Comments

I’m not going to be liveblogging today’s Super Bowl for beer-based reasons, but I will be keeping a half-hearted, watching-when-I’m-not-napping diary of today’s five-hour Super Bowl pre-game show on NBC. Five hours! It’s great to know that in a time of austerity and restraint, there remains at least one beacon of excess that’s not John Thain’s toilet.

1 p.m. ET Bob Costas is hosting the pre-game show from the pirate ship at Raymond James Stadium – which raises at least the possibility of mutiny and a pre-game show hosted entirely by John Madden. I for one look forward to his explosive two-hour interview with that side of ribs.

1:04 According to an NBC reporter, the Cardinals moved to “an undisclosed location” last night. There, they found Dick Cheney, J.D. Salinger and Wade Phillips’ coaching ability.

1:05 Andrea Kremer reports from the Steelers hotel that, even as she speaks, “guys are getting individual treatment in their rooms as need be.” Careful fellas, this is how Eliot Spitzer lost his job.

1:12 Today show weatherman Al Roker Continue…

NFL Picks: The Super Bowl of football games

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, January 30, 2009 at 2:13 PM - 5 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Two weeks ago: 2-0
Playoffs: 4-6

Scott Reid
Two weeks ago: 1-1
Playoffs: 6-4

Scott Feschuk: So it all comes down to this – the championship of the 2008 National Football League season, the Super Bowl of football games, the annual event that through threat of lawsuit humiliates its non-sponsors into using vague expressions like “The Big Game,” “The Big One in Tampa” or “That Thing With the Fat Guys In It” in their advertising.

How big an occasion is this? NBC’s pregame show will feature an 11-man studio panel – the biggest in league history if you don’t count Brent Musburger’s multiple personalities. That’s right, eleven! Bob Costas will be joined Sunday by Cris Collinsworth, Jerome Bettis, Tiki Barber, Keith Olbermann, Dan Patrick, Peter King, Matt Millen, Mike Holmgren, Tony Dungy and, I believe, Blitzen.

(As an aside: remind me why I should ever believe a word of analysis that comes out of the mouth of Continue…

NFL Picks: Cringing every time Andy Reid accidentally calls his QB Donovan McRib

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, January 16, 2009 at 10:59 AM - 5 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 1-3
Playoffs: 2-6

Scott Reid
Last week: 2-2
Playoffs: 5-3

Scott Reid: I don’t really believe in time travel. The impossibility of faster-than-light speed. The constant paradoxes. The fear that the simplest change to our past could have ludicrous consequences in the present – like your parents never meeting or Bush defeating Gore. So, as much as I want to go back in time and settle some debts with Todd Law in grade five, I am not a believer. And yet, as we watch the Ravens fall forward in the playoffs, it is becoming obvious that we’ve travelled backward in time to the year 2000. With a killer defence and a dead offence, the Ravens are looking like the team that won it all only nine years ago. And we all know what the past tells us about Philadelphia.
Scott Feschuk: First things first: I actually do believe in time travel – how else could you have stolen Howard Jones’s hairdo? More important, you’re an idiot: this Ravens D is nowhere near as formidable as Continue…

NFL Playoffs: Why it sucks to be Eli Manning today

By macleans.ca - Sunday, January 11, 2009 at 12:57 PM - 7 Comments

• 10:27 AM: Scott Feschuk Before we get to today’s featured attraction – Philly taking on the Giants – let’s reflect for a moment on yesterday’s playoff performance by the Tennessee Titans: two fumbles and one interception in the red zone, two hilariously botched snaps on third down, one missed field goal and 12 penalties. I’m telling you: Jeff Fisher is going to get one honey of a tax receipt for his team’s charitable contributions to Baltimore’s victory. The back judge also did his share, looking the other way on that delay-of-game call like a bought-off cop witnessing a mob hit.On the bright side, we all got to experience – possibly for the final time in a critical game – the patented Kerry Collins “Uh, We’re Down by Three and You Guys Actually Expect Me to Do Something About It? That’s Hilarious!” Face. Good times.
• 10:43 AM: Scott Reid Owsy wowsy. Seems that someone who bet an insane amount of money on the Titans and Carolina yesterday with their smarter and better smelling partner is all crabby this bright Sunday morning.
• 10:47 AM: Scott Reid Oops. I kinda fumbled that posting by hitting enter when i didn’t mean to. If I do it four more times, let’s change my name to Delhomme.See you at kickoff, Sandy.
• 10:54 AM: Scott Feschuk Join us around 12:30 p.m. ET when we take to the couch, hopefully just in time to catch Terry Bradshaw violate the last of our existing verb tenses.
• 12:38 PM: Scott Feschuk One final note about yesterday’s games: After the initial shock of the all those interceptions (henceforth known as “delhommes”), the Cardinals-Panthers game turned into a bit of a bore – but I stuck with it til the end because of Daryl “Moose” Johnston, whose colour commentary gave new meaning to the expression “duh.”Most of his “insight” focused on Larry Fitzgerald – how the Panthers really ought to maybe cover him a little better, and such. (Good thinking, Moose. Savvy.) But my favourite bit of “analysis” from the former Cowboys fullback came right after Arizona scored to make the game 27-7. Daryl’s take on the situation? He piped in urgently: “Carolina might want to make some adjustments at the half.”

  Really? They’re down 20 to a team they were favoured to beat by 10, and you think they should change what they’re doing and how they’re doing it? Obvious, considered yourself stated.

• 12:48 PM: Scott Feschuk For those of you just tuning into the Fox pre-game show: Michael Strahan has just entered the 47th consecutive minute of maintaining the same smile. He’s closing in on record of 72 minutes, set by Tom Cruise when he last saw a photo of a shirtless Matthew McConaughey.
• 12:53 PM: Scott Reid Nearly showtime. In one of those cute pre-game featurettes that make real football fans check out Gene Simmons Family Jewels on A&E (I’m just sayin), ESPN asked Eagles coach about the disadvantages of his playoff beard. He acknowledged that he sometimes snarls up his cheese whiz in it. (I’m not making this up). Good news though: those skinned but uncooked piglets slide down like licorice. Go Andy!
• 12:54 PM: Scott Feschuk Welcome buddy! Question: who came up with the bright idea of making Terry Bradshaw deliver a three-minute commentary directly to the camera? The guy was winded after 75 seconds. Those words with three syllables are tricky.
• 12:59 PM: Scott Reid twas beautiful. Jimmy Johnson made a Cannonball Run reference. Which, as everyone except Terry knows is the equivalent of being called a stupid cracker.Kickoff happens if they can raise enough money to pay Joe Buck to shut up. Come on Dominque Hickson. Let’s show you can catch that ball.
• 1:01 PM: Scott Feschuk Given the ups and downs of the past few weeks, I can see either team winning. This game is a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped (at the insistence of Andy Reid) in a strip of delicious hickory-smoked bacon.
• 1:03 PM: Scott Reid So far, all I know for sure is that I want to see that Liam Neeson flick CTV is plugging like mad. He’s going to beat up people in France. How can you not dig that!
• 1:04 PM: Scott Feschuk Couch Boys exclusive – Andy Reid’s pre-game motivational speech in its entirety: “Hey, McNabb, you gonna finish that soup?”
• 1:06 PM: Scott Feschuk Don’t you love the way Troy Aikman fake-laughs at Joe Buck’s “jokes.”
• 1:06 PM: Scott Reid Damn you Troy Aikman. Not only did you beat me to a Chris Meyers hat joke. Yours was even lamer than mine.
• 1:07 PM: Scott Reid Frankly, if I’m Akers and I see Bradshaw hauling ass with 70 yards of mo, I fall down and bitch about the icy field
• 1:08 PM: Scott Feschuk I always love it when the punter has to pitch in. It would be like the batboy being told he has to get in there and steal home.
• 1:10 PM: Scott Reid From behind, there’s no way in hell to tell you and Derrick Ward apart.
• 1:11 PM: Scott Feschuk Casual football fans may be curious to know what we just saw there on the Eagles sideline. That was not the mythological Sasquatch — that was the Philly coach, Andy Reid. He hasn’t shaved in many days. The result: a scraggly patch of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Beard! There hasn’t been anything this unattractive in HD since that episode of Extended Closeups of Star Jones’s Thigh Fat.
• 1:12 PM: Scott Feschuk It’s true about me and Ward. The secret is all the glute work I do.
• 1:12 PM: Scott Reid You’re the first guy I call when I need to leg press something heavy
• 1:13 PM: Scott Feschuk The Giants just threw on third down and the Eagles did NOT blitz. I can’t see that happening more than five times this entire game. Philly loves the blitz the way you love those slimming funhouse mirrors.
• 1:16 PM: Scott Reid I keep one in my basement – along with a giant strawberry whirlycar, a cotton candy machine and an aging carny named Scabs.
• 1:18 PM: Scott Feschuk David AKers could learn a lesson from Lawrence Tynes. Did you see him cover that kickoff? He got within the vicinity of the Eagles returner and suddenly veered off toward… nothing.
• 1:19 PM: Scott Reid Commercial break! And a flip to A&E gives us a glimmer of Roadhouse – which has only been broadcast roughly 40 times in the past two weeks to hump that new Swayze TV show. Don’t listen to Ben Gazara! He’s not in it for the music or fun. He just wants a bar that makes money.
• 1:20 PM: Scott Feschuk You can’t stop Swayze in that movie. You can only hope to contain him.
• 1:20 PM: Scott Reid Philly has activated only five receivers in a move that analysts suggests a lot of running. So far I see a lot of not going forward any which way.
• 1:21 PM: Scott Reid Looks windy. Nearly blew the snotty sense of superiority off of Joe Buck
• 1:23 PM: Scott Feschuk I love it when refs throw their hats to mark a second foul on a play. What would they hurl to call a third foul? Pants? Probably pants.
• 1:25 PM: Scott Feschuk hey, eli manning just threw a delhomme!
• 1:26 PM: Scott Reid For sure, pants! Wouldn’t it be great to see Ed Hochuli is his briefs. Bet he’s got a super muscular crotch.
• 1:26 PM: Scott Feschuk Eli Manning and David Akers are tied for the game lead in tackles made
• 1:26 PM: Scott Reid Quick bet: I say the Eagles can’t get into the end zone on this turnover
• 1:26 PM: Scott Feschuk you’re on!
• 1:27 PM: Scott Feschuk Wager: beer
• 1:28 PM: Scott Reid For Pete’s sake! MacNabb had fifteen minutes back there and the hold is still on the Giants?Now they get three more chances and I may have to give you beer. Good thing you already owe me enough to buy the American banking sector
• 1:28 PM: Scott Feschuk I owe you $3?
• 1:29 PM: Scott Feschuk Make mine a Beau’s beer!
• 1:29 PM: Scott Reid I was thinking Brador. I know you like a meaty ale
• 1:31 PM: Scott Reid These new Bell commercials make me want to hold someone’s head under water
• 1:32 PM: Scott Feschuk Where do you stand on the Coors Light commercials using old coach footage. They’re so hackneyed and predictable and unimaginative, and yet I find myself enjoying them. The Jim Mora one (Playoffs?? Playoffs???) is pretty funny.
• 1:33 PM: Scott Feschuk Joe Buck is wearing black gloves and looks like he’s the world’s only 140-pound mob hitman.
• 1:33 PM: Scott Reid If you honestly enjoy those commercials, you need to see an internist immediately. Because obviously you’ve eaten a moron.
• 1:34 PM: Scott Feschuk Come on! They recycle all the best coach bits: “You play to win the game!” “They are who we thought they were!” You’re just jealous because you drink Coors Light all the time yet comely college co-eds refuse to accept that you are therefore desirable.
• 1:36 PM: Scott Reid I drink Budweiser constantly because I want on that plane with the hot stewardesses and fun dance party. Of all the places on Earth, that’s where I would fit in best
• 1:37 PM: Scott Reid With two stingy defences and challenging weather conditions, I gotta believe this game is going to come down to which team can find a way to beat the other through the air. The crazy blitz schemes of Philly could leave them vulnerable to a big bomb and Eli seems to be looking for it.
• 1:38 PM: Scott Feschuk The Eagles strategy seems very sound at this point. Until Eli can prove that he can complete a pass to someone in blue, they’re crowding the box and bringing tons of pressure.
• 1:39 PM: Scott Reid That sounds so dirty
• 1:40 PM: Scott Feschuk True. I think I just wrote a porno. Speaking of commercials, is there a worse commercial out there right now than the ads for Sprint that feature the company’s CEO walking down the street in black and white? That guy has all the charisma of a slab of marble.
• 1:41 PM: Scott Reid Field position is so huge. I like the way this series shapes up for the Giants. If the Giants get this ball back at mid-field or better, Eli’s got to come away with at least three.
• 1:42 PM: Scott Feschuk And they will get it back, though I think the Eagles got lucky there. McNabb holds on to the ball too long these days. He almost had that one knocked loose.
• 1:44 PM: Scott Reid Take that back! Don’t you know anything? Since he was benched, Donovon McNabb can do no wrong. He spent part of this weak healing the lame.
• 1:44 PM: Scott Feschuk He healed the second season of Heroes?
• 1:44 PM: Scott Feschuk It’ll be interesting to see if the Giants start to air it out now that they’ve got the wind.
• 1:45 PM: Scott Reid We’re on the third season, loser. Shows what you know. Plus, the addition of Peter’s father combined with the speedster really made it better.
• 1:46 PM: Scott Feschuk The preceding sentence of mine can also be used to describe a frat house after chili night
• 1:46 PM: Scott Feschuk I stopped watching Heroes when I realized I was neither nine years old nor mentally retarded.
• 1:47 PM: Scott Reid You’ll take that back when I get my powers.
• 1:47 PM: Scott Reid Coughlin always looks like some teenagers just burned across his front yard in their Dodge Charger
• 1:48 PM: Scott Feschuk He may be the only NFL coach to still routinely use the word “whippersnapper.”
• 1:48 PM: Scott Reid Ohhhh!!! Dammit Manning. He had them beat.
• 1:49 PM: Scott Feschuk BUt he threw to the WRONG steve smith. the one that could have caught that pass is in carolina.
• 1:50 PM: Scott Reid I wish I could make girls laugh like that Bud Light dude
• 1:51 PM: Scott Feschuk the key is not being you.
• 1:51 PM: Scott Reid You’re right. From now on, I’m going to be Sam Elliott.
• 1:52 PM: Scott Reid I think Westbrook is over. I know the league goes ga-ga over the guy but that run is a good example. He doesn’t smell the holes anymore. He could have bounced out and he had one man to beat. Instead he runs into a concrete wall.
• 1:52 PM: Scott Reid Safety!!!
• 1:53 PM: Scott Feschuk The most exciting play in sports since the rouge!
• 1:53 PM: Scott Feschuk I like this Eagles strategy of gaining approximately one yard per minute on offence.
• 1:55 PM: Scott Reid They should have followed the Ravens gameplan: three quarterback sneaks and then punt the ball back to where you really want it – in the hands of the other team.
• 1:55 PM: Scott Feschuk I agree in part with you about Westbrook. He’s average as a runner these days. But his value is when they get him into the open field on screens. Then he’ll still kill you (or at least he’ll kill the Vikings)
• 1:57 PM: Scott Reid But the let it all hang in style of offence means that he only gets in the open field every time Tom Wolfe releases a new book
• 1:59 PM: Scott Feschuk The Eagles linebackers are really containing the run well positionally – if they could actually tackle Jacobs the first time they touch him, the Giants would be going nowhere.
• 2:00 PM: Scott Reid I’m glad to see them working some plays to Boss. The guy is money and Manning is way more dependable on shorter routes.
• 2:01 PM: Scott Feschuk Why does Joe Buck never get excited? Remember how he called the Helmet catch in the Super Bowl (it was in a monotone). Even on a big pass play he betrays no emotion. I haven’t seen anyone seem this solemn and uninterested since 2006 when I glanced in the mirror while watching Joey.
• 2:01 PM: Scott Reid Whatever happened to the Giant’s run blocking? Or Kelly Lynch’s acting career? They both had so much promise back in the late 80s
• 2:02 PM: Scott Feschuk I am distressed to learn that in the Biggie Smalls biopic, the Notorious B.I.G. is being played by a rapper named Gravy. Which means i can never become a rapper and name myself Gravy.
• 2:03 PM: Scott Reid Joe Buck is a fembot. If you remove his face plate, you can see all his switches and gears. Between games he lives in Troy Aikman’s closet. Next to Troy’s true sexuality
• 2:04 PM: Scott Feschuk Of all the announcing teams, which would you be least surprised to discover to be gay lovers? i say buck-aikman ranks first, and gumbel-dierdorf is an unpleasant-to-imagine number two.
• 2:04 PM: Scott Reid Just tweak it. Call yourself ‘Chicken Gray’ or ‘Gray Fingers’. Maybe ‘Gravy Boat’ – that’s what we call you
• 2:05 PM: Scott Reid Pat Summerall is clearly the still-can’t-believe-it’s-over ex.
• 2:05 PM: Scott Feschuk Wide right! Finally, the Bills get their revenge!!!! In your face, Giant fans!!!!
• 2:07 PM: Scott Reid I’m glad to see the team i wagered on giving points away. I say kill Carney now and make one of the nine running backs kick field goals from here on
• 2:08 PM: Scott Reid Westbrook shows them who’s boss again. I’m pretty sure he started to fall down before anyone hit him that time.
• 2:09 PM: Scott Feschuk Easy, tiger. The Eagles just gained four yards. Increasing their total today to… slightly more than four yards.
• 2:12 PM: Scott Reid Why do they wear those tiny hospital hats under their helmets. What does it help them do better? It’s not throwing the ball, apparently
• 2:13 PM: Scott Feschuk It’s called style. Same reason you wear the ascot and bicycle shorts.
• 2:13 PM: Scott Reid I do love my bicycle shorts. They make every muscle look huge
• 2:14 PM: Scott Feschuk That throw from McNabb was positively Farvian. Unwise and girlish.
• 2:16 PM: Scott Reid Very girlish. And counting on DeSean Jackson to fight for the ball is like counting on Madonna to shine on Broadway.
• 2:17 PM: Scott Reid Jacobs rocks! I love him. I’m going to send him some scented candles.
• 2:19 PM: Scott Feschuk Coconut. He likes the smell of coconut. By the way, I could never be an Eagles fan, and not just because I’m not 70% processed cheese. McNabb inspires no confidence back there. He takes too long to throw and he makes bad choices. And we all remember from the Super Bowl how well he manages the clock.
• 2:21 PM: Scott Reid What the hell kind of call is that? Why don’t they just go back and say that McNabb completed his third down pass to Jackson.
• 2:22 PM: Scott Feschuk Ridiculous! It makes no sense at all. And where was this concern for the clock yesterday during the Titans game when the play clock was at zero for about five minutes before Flacco completed that big pass (not that I’m bitter)
• 2:23 PM: Scott Reid Not at all. But the difference is that yesterday, that play wasn’t pivotal to the outcome
• 2:23 PM: Scott Feschuk i don’t like you
• 2:24 PM: Scott Reid And yet you love what I can do when I sit down at a piano
• 2:25 PM: Scott Reid Just take the field goal for Christ’s sake!!
• 2:25 PM: Scott Feschuk Obviously. This game feels a bit like yesterday’s ravens-titans. The Giants, like the Titans, are playing better and controlling the game. Yet they’re missing opportunities.
• 2:26 PM: Scott Reid I gotta admit, as Carney was setting to kick that ball, I was more than half worried he’d hoof it again
• 2:28 PM: Scott Feschuk I was more preoccupied with that shot of Andy Reid going over to talk to one of his players. I think the discussion went: “It’s almost halftime.Could you run into the locker room and make sure the fondue is fired up.”
• 2:28 PM: Scott Reid You do get the feeling that he’ll wander off the field at halftime looking for an IHOP and some offensive production – in that order
• 2:31 PM: Scott Reid Given the point you made early, why would the Eagles not have designed a bushel full of screen plays to Westbrook to get him catching the ball on the run? Instead he just caught his first pass.
• 2:32 PM: Scott Feschuk That’s a good question. I blame man’s inhumanity to man.
• 2:34 PM: Scott Reid Same thing explains the decision to cancel Caroline In the City 10 years ago.The Giants D-line is getting no serious push on McNabb. That’s gotta change in the second half.
• 2:35 PM: Scott Reid To borrow a favourite phrase of Lucy Maude Montgomery’s that call was total horseshit
• 2:37 PM: Scott Feschuk Pretty astonishing that the Eagles are heading into the half with the lead. The swear jar in the Giants locker room is going to be filled up with quarters courtesy of Tom Coughlin.
• 2:39 PM: Scott Reid I’m finding this game very frustrating. It feels like the Giants offence is going to have win this thing and frankly, I’m not loving what I see so far from Eli Manning.
• 2:43 PM: Scott Reid Howie Long’s hair is remarkable. I wonder if an Olympic archer could get an arrow to pass through it.
• 2:44 PM: Scott Feschuk Yep. And then it would bounce right off Jimmy Johnson’s hair.
• 2:45 PM: Scott Reid It will come to a dead stop when it hits Terry Bradshaw’s humility
• 2:51 PM: Scott Reid Jayzus. Is New York trying to lose?
• 2:52 PM: Scott Feschuk That return was great and everything, but they accomplished it by having the blockers hold hands. KInda girly.
• 2:53 PM: Scott Reid You and Fred Robbins run the same way. Without moving your thighs
• 2:53 PM: Scott Feschuk Hang on a minute. Wait for it. The tremors from Robbins being tackled will hit here right about… NOW!
• 2:54 PM: Scott Reid Jacobs again! Those candles will be loved twice as much if they come with really nice hand lotion. Looks like I’m headed to Holts
• 2:55 PM: Scott Reid Nice catch, Ward. Your hands are those fingery things at the end of your arms
• 2:56 PM: Scott Feschuk Tom Coughlin has the exasperated look of a man who’s had it up to here with Dennis the Menace.
• 2:56 PM: Scott Feschuk Seven minutes after the interception, Robbins is STILL winded on the sideline. He ran 12 yards!!
• 2:58 PM: Scott Reid You’re not multiplying that by his body mass index. When that run is calculated in relative terms, he just jogged to Delaware.
• 2:59 PM: Scott Feschuk If Eli Manning doesn’t pick up his game, the Manning family risks starring in fewer than 100 TV commercials next season. That would be a shame.
• 3:02 PM: Scott Reid He’s been lousy. He looks about as strong as Urkel out there.
• 3:03 PM: Scott Feschuk “Third and 20 coming up.” I think that’s going to be the title of this game if it comes out on DVD.
• 3:03 PM: Scott Reid Back with Chris Meyers – he looks like when he’s done with the game he’s going to paint his house
• 3:04 PM: Scott Reid And they get it! Jeepers. These third down conversions are how McNabb kills teams.
• 3:04 PM: Scott Feschuk Wow. What a huge play for the Eagles! McNabb escaped about 1,200 pounds of Giants to get that ball off.
• 3:05 PM: Scott Reid Curtis should be taken off the field and made to hold his hands over an open flame. Clearly he doesn’t feel he needs them. Refs are working hard to tilt this table to the Eagles
• 3:06 PM: Scott Feschuk Curtis apparently watched the last super bowl and came away believing all big catches ought to be made with the helmet
• 3:07 PM: Scott Reid I’m starting to fall asleep. Maybe it’s the lack of scoring. Or the six beers before 4:00pm. Can you wake me when something dramatic happens. Like a completion.
• 3:09 PM: Scott Feschuk Come on: this is better than an offensive battle or a defensive tussle. This is an incompetence-off!
• 3:10 PM: Scott Reid Unreal! Another third and 10 conversion. If McNabb had any more time back there he could draw a map of New France
• 3:11 PM: Scott Feschuk maybe donovan mcnabb is working-to-rule on first and second downs, then punching in and doing his job only when it gets to third.
• 3:12 PM: Scott Reid In other sports news, I see the Raps just lost to the Celtics. Can’t wait for the beating your brother will lay on Toronto in tomorrow’s paper.
• 3:14 PM: Scott Feschuk Be careful! Even the slightest rhetorical contact can cause jermaine o’neal to suffer another injury.
• 3:14 PM: Scott Reid Finally. A third down stop.
• 3:15 PM: Scott Feschuk Time for his union-mandated break
• 3:16 PM: Scott Feschuk Dear David Akers: I just witnessed your two-fingered point-to-the-sky gesture after your field goal.You’re welcome,
  God
• 3:16 PM: Scott Reid You know what the Giants should try? To score a touchdown.
• 3:18 PM: Scott Reid “I’m Joe. That’s Troy.” We live together in gated community where we squabble over who left the sprinkler going
• 3:19 PM: Scott Feschuk Does that make Chris Myers their housekeeper?
• 3:20 PM: Scott Feschuk Eli! Forward pass! Completed! So exciting can’t form whole sentences!
• 3:20 PM: Scott Reid Hixon (sorry for misspelling your name earlier dude)! Makes a catch. That counts and everything. Suddenly, it’s almost like a sporting contest.
• 3:23 PM: Scott Feschuk What kind of a field goal will the Giants try this time? Close? Far away? Backwards?
• 3:23 PM: Scott Reid That wasn’t really Eli’s fault. He clearly expected his receiver to be floating sixteen feet above the Earth
• 3:25 PM: Scott Reid Ward seems to slipping into role-player status. That role being ball dropper.
• 3:25 PM: Scott Feschuk Joe: “How’d you like this big body headed towards you? Brandon Jacobs”
  Troy: “I wouldn’t.”
  So we’ve established that their relationship is monogamous.
• 3:26 PM: Scott Reid That exchange caught my notice as well. I thought there was a hint of tension belying it. As in, “I wouldn’t – what are you driving at?”"Well, I’m not the one who flirts with the drycleaner – always asking what his tattoos mean”

  “Let’s talk about this when we get home and into our comfy clothes”

• 3:28 PM: Scott Reid So in a game where no one seems to be able to compile yardage much less points, the Giants have now sacrificed six points to missed field goals. Combined with their habit of granting third down conversions, I’m feeling nervous
• 3:29 PM: Scott Feschuk On the bright side, the Giants sideline will soon be warmed by the spontaneous combustion of Tom Coughlin.
• 3:31 PM: Scott Reid The refs decide to interfere in the game again. They’re just like the government or public intoxication laws. Always getting in my way.
• 3:32 PM: Scott Feschuk You should write a letter to the editor. Those things get results.
• 3:33 PM: Scott Reid I can’t believe there’s a whole quarter left to go. It feels like this game began just after the start of the Bronze Age
• 3:35 PM: Scott Feschuk Don’t you love it when announcers refer to “this game being a physical battle”? Like other NFL games are resolved via debate and negotiation.
• 3:37 PM: Scott Feschuk Like the Titans and Panthers, the Giants deserve to lose this game. The trend doesn’t bode well for the Steelers.
• 3:37 PM: Scott Reid A touchdown? Wow. I remember my grandpa talking about those.
• 3:40 PM: Scott Reid I would rather eat a bag of roofing nails then attend a Keith Urban concert
• 3:42 PM: Scott Feschuk Makes sense. The nails will eventually pass through you, but country music is permanent.
• 3:42 PM: Scott Reid Bad spot. It’s not Eli’s failed passing. It’s the referees
• 3:47 PM: Scott Reid God help me. I agree with Troy Aikman. I would have just gone for it. No challenge. Time outs will matter if you’re trying to win this game. Of course, I only assume the Giants are trying to win. The hard evidence isnt exactly piling up.
• 3:48 PM: Scott Feschuk That was a pretty fraidy-cat attempt at a quarterback sneak by eli. he pushed forward with all the momentum of a lobbed marshmallow.
• 3:49 PM: Scott Reid It’s really time for a tunover if you’re a New York fan.
• 3:52 PM: Scott Feschuk Soon it will be time for Jack Daniels if you’re a new york fan
• 3:53 PM: Scott Reid They’ve got to score on this drive. If they don’t then…well, then the world just end and I’ll never be able to show my face at high school again
• 3:54 PM: Scott Feschuk Can i have your locker? I like that it’s closer to the bathroom.
  By the way, where are all the cutaways to Archie Manning? Doesn’t his contract call for at least three shots of him in a private box during each of his sons’ games.
• 3:56 PM: Scott Reid Usually sharing a chicken wing with Nelson Mandela. Why? Why? Why? If you needed three yards would you run sideways? Arrrggghh
• 3:56 PM: Scott Feschuk What kind of a call was that on third down??? Running parallel to the line of scrimmage until you run out of room. Brilliant!
• 3:57 PM: Scott Feschuk hey, we had the same thought just now. just like when we knew hannah montana was going to be huge.
• 3:57 PM: Scott Reid The Giant’s O-line has lost this game. They’ve just gotten beat in all the tough battles
• 3:58 PM: Scott Feschuk With the exception of Jacobs, they’ve all done their part. Bad running decisions, bad quarterbacking, bad playcalling.
• 3:59 PM: Scott Reid Bad breath. Bad manners. Bad failing to plan for rain even though the sky was clear when we left. Yep, they suck
• 4:01 PM: Scott Feschuk Can you believe that Arizona is going to HOST the NFC championship?
• 4:02 PM: Scott Reid I can’t believe that Arizona has an NFL team. I can’t believe Kid Rock has a career. And I can’t believe how utterly shitless the Giants have been.
• 4:03 PM: Scott Feschuk Well, it’s still a two-touchdown game. All they need to do is score two touchdowns. Which should be a cinch so long as there’s 120,000 minutes left in the fourth quarter
• 4:04 PM: Scott Reid It’s time to start throwing for the helmet
• 4:04 PM: Scott Feschuk I’m not saying it’s over, but Andy Reid has officially started bracing himself to be doused with a Gatorade jug filled with special sauce.
• 4:06 PM: Scott Reid Andy Reid is the only coach who can be drowned in gatorade and still keep the family of illegal immigrants living under his breasts dry as a bone
• 4:07 PM: Scott Feschuk They gained three yards on that pass. Just 25 more passes to the end zone!
• 4:07 PM: Scott Reid Toomer! Haven’t heard his name all day. I thought he’d been traded for a goalie and future prospects
• 4:09 PM: Scott Feschuk Eli, Eli, oh.
• 4:09 PM: Scott Feschuk What do you think McNabb and Westbrook are discussing in the huddle?
• 4:09 PM: Macleans.ca Macleans.ca liveblog – NFL playoffs: Giants vs Eagles liveblog
• 4:10 PM: Scott Reid Season 4 of Battlestar Galactica – what else?
• 4:11 PM: Scott Feschuk I thought i recognized them from the 2007 Tulsa Star Trek convention.
• 4:11 PM: Scott Reid Picking up the phone? That’s a dick of a thing to do – isn’t it?
• 4:14 PM: Scott Feschuk Eli – your team is wearing blue. BLUE!
• 4:15 PM: Scott Reid I think there might be something wrong with his vision. Or his frontal lobe
• 4:16 PM: Scott Feschuk By picking up the phone, McNabb gave talk radio hosts the gift of 400 hours of extensive coverage of the “incident.” Take it and run with it, Jim Rome!
• 4:17 PM: Scott Reid Oh that darn ball. Not quite round. Not quite rectangular. So hard to hold when you’re a Giant.
• 4:18 PM: Scott Feschuk Time to pack it in, partner – exactly three hours after the Giants began packing it in. What a gruesome performance.Eagles! Cardinals! WTF?
• 4:19 PM: Scott Reid Well sister, with 58 seconds to go this game is done like dinner (officially Andy Reid’s favourite saying). It’s been durn fun. But I’m a signin’ off, rabbitt.I have no idea who to root for in that NFC Championship
• 4:21 PM: Scott Feschuk -30-

NFL Playoff Picks Week Two: Where dreams, and Darren Sproles' ability to remember what day it is, go to die

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, January 9, 2009 at 12:30 PM - 2 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 1-3
Playoffs: 1-3
Season (including playoffs): 129-121-8

Scott Reid
Last week: 3-1
Playoffs: 3-1
Season (including playoffs): 120-127-8

Scott Feschuk: First off, an invitation: Drop by Sunday afternoon at 1 p.m. ET here at Macleans.ca where we’ll be liveblogging the Eagles-Giants game. Flip on the TV, flip open the laptop and join in as we spend three riveting hours speculating on the precise nature of the ecosystem that’s developing in Andy Reid’s new beard. (Over there, in that dense, bristley patch – is that a… unicorn?)

In other news, my Couch Boys colleague Scott Reid soundly thrashed me in prognostic-based matters this past weekend. Reid picked correctly three out of four times. I got only one right. Although the victory was narrow – if the Vikings had better defended that screen pass to Brian Westbrook, or if Tarvaris Jackson had at any point during the season learned how to throw a forward pass, we’d each have gone 2-2 – I am man enough (anatomically speaking only) to concede defeat and make good on our bet: to write a poem in honour of the victor.

Perhaps I should go with a familiar construct…

The (Baltimore) Raven

Ah, distinctly I remember Continue…

NFL Playoff Picks: Welcome to Wild Card Weekend, proud home of the Norv Turner "Oh my God what have I done now" face

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, January 2, 2009 at 7:23 AM - 14 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 9-5-2
Season: 128-119-8

Scott Reid
Last week: 10-4-2
Season: 120-127-8

Scott Reid: I don’t get all the bellyaching. Frankly, Mike Shanahan had it coming. He didn’t get his team to the playoffs three years in a row. Sure, in Detroit, that qualifies you for a promotion. But this is Denver where they’re actually used to winning football games. To those who believe he deserved the Broncos’ job for life I offer up five words: Blown. Out. By. Norv. Tuner. End of story. My best guess as to who gets the bullet next? Gruden. (Herm Edwards and Dick Jauron can keep on keeping on though).

Turning to the playoffs, this post-season will feature 8-8 San Diego but not 11-5 New England. That’s such a bad joke I keep expecting Pauly Shore to show up and take credit. Nevertheless, wild card weekend is my favourite weekend of the year (next to ‘non-pasteurized cheese weekend’, ‘Sarah’s House marathon weekend’ and ‘who cares if you don’t button up your pants weekend’). Four whole games. Longshot winners. Miami losing. It’s got it all. So I got to wondering Continue…

NFL Picks Week 17: In Cruel Twist, Romeo Crennel Not Fired Until After Department-Store Santa Season Has Passed

By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, December 24, 2008 at 7:13 AM - 2 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 11-5
Season: 119-114-6

Scott Reid
Last week: 7-9
Season: 110-123-6

It’s Christmas Eve and we still haven’t wrapped Bill Cowher for the people of Cleveland, so let’s get right to it…

Jacksonville (plus 12) at Baltimore
Feschuk: The Ravens get in the playoffs with a win. The Jags get in the playoffs with a win, a rip in the fabric of the space-time continuum, an earthquake that plunges California, Florida and 27 other states into the sea and a New England loss. Pick: Baltimore.
Reid: In a related item, they’re making a big budget version of Land of the Lost. Flacco sort of looks like a sleestak. Pick: Jacksonville.

St. Louis (plus 15) at Atlanta
Reid: That spread’s so big, it can nearly block out Mark Bulger’s advanced age. Pick: St Louis.
Feschuk: The Rams owners really want to sell their team. I mention this just so you’ll understand why there’s a “If You Owned Me, You’d Be Futile By Now” sign on the back of Bulger’s jersey. Pick: St. Louis.

Denver (plus 8) at San Diego
Feschuk: Give up this many points to take Norv Turner? I’d rather sign my organ donor card in the presence of Amy Winehouse, then loudly announce that I’m going to go have a nap in the new T-shirt she gave me for Christmas, which has a liver-shaped hole over where Continue…

NFL Picks Week 16: As competent as Dick Jauron with a small lead

By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, December 17, 2008 at 7:02 PM - 4 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 6-8-2
Season: 108-109-6

Scott Reid
Last week: 7-7-2
Season: 103-114-6

It’s week 16. We’re deep into the time of the NFL season that separates the men from the other, slightly less talented men. So let’s get right to this week’s peerless insights into football, human nature and breast-based ribaldry.

Indianapolis (minus 6) at Jacksonville (Thursday night)
Reid: Must have been quite a dress-up party at the Feschuk household last Sunday when your Super Bowl-bound Jags finally managed to scratch out a win against Green Bay. That fires them up to, let me see now, five – count em, five – wins. For your kids’ sake I hope you do a better job of picking Christmas presents than football contenders. Something about this game makes me uneasy. The Colts should win in a walk. They’ve got a playoff spot to play for whereas Jacksonville has less than zero. On the other hand, eight consecutive victories is awful hard to manage in the NFL. My instincts tell me to go with Jacksonville. And when have my instincts ever been wrong? (Hello, mail order bride). Pick: Jacksonville.
Feschuk: Taking abuse from a guy who last year picked St. Louis to go the Super Bowl, and this year picked Seattle, is like being given sartorial advice by Andy Reid. (“A three-piece suit? Nah, what you want to do is wear a rain poncho at all times so the gravy just sort of slides right off you…”) Pick: Jacksonville.

Baltimore (plus 4) at Dallas (Saturday night)
Feschuk: You know what people don’t talk about enough? Terrell Owens. Those guys on sports radio – they should definitely spend more time talking about him. In fact, they should make a pledge right now that they are going to continue to talk about him even after he retires. Whole hours of the broadcasting day will be taken up with fascinating discussions about whether T.O.’s nursing-home nemesis Gladys Peabody cheated at Continue…

NFL Picks Week 15: Now's the time to stop playing possum, Detroit

By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, December 10, 2008 at 5:07 PM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 9-7
Season: 102-101-4

Scott Reid
Last week: 6-10
Season: 96-107-4

Feschuk: I would like to take this opportunity, at the behest of my conscience and a ruling of the Ontario Court of Justice, to issue a personal apology to my neighbours, and to passersby, and to any especially sensitive domestic pets in the general vicinity. I am sorry for the screaming last Sunday during the Bills’ latest abysmal performance. And the profanity. The impromptu mournful streaking was, owing to the strategic placement of the empty Cheetos bag, within the bounds of good taste, I believe. But I apologize if any of the embers from my Dick Jauron effigy scorched your shingles or puppies.

Reid: My favourite three things to watch this time of year are (in descending order of preference):
- Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (the one with the elf who wants to be a dentist)
- Wrath of Khan (“Of all the souls I’ve encountered in my travels, his was the most…hu(choke)man”)
- Tony Romo hamster his way to a fourth quarter come-from-ahead defeat.
Technically, the last two are among my favourite things to watch any time of the year but they seem so much better close to Christmas.
Now the boys are in trouble. Which is Gr-eat! Combined with a surging 49er squad, 2009 is starting to look a-ok. (Not to mention the release of the new Star Trek reboot with a cool new young Kirk).

And now, on to this week’s futility…

New Orleans (plus 3) at Chicago (Thursday night)
Feschuk: I like this Bears defensive line. They’re a lot like me – plucky, determined and approximately 150 pounds above their healthy weight. That said, trying to contain Drew Brees just might be the only football-related thing more challenging than figuring out what Shannon Sharpe is saying. Pick: New Orleans.
Reid: Don’t be so hard on yourself, my little bread pudding partner. Continue…

NFL Picks Week 14: Like a Bullet to the Thigh of Conventional Wisdom

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, December 4, 2008 at 10:45 AM - 6 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 7-9
Season: 93-94-4

Scott Reid
Last week: 11-5
Season: 90-97-4

Scott Reid: Gotta keep it brief because I’m off to Ottawa to see if I can’t help screw things up even more. My thought of the week: Don’t you wish Plaxico Burress and Sean Avery would go drinking together? Two birds, one errant discharged cartridge. And since we’re speaking of criminal acts of recklessness, it was nice to see J.P. Losman leading the Bills to a grand total of three points last week against my beautiful 49ers. SWEET!

Scott Feschuk: I too apologize if this seems rushed – just got back late last night from Cleveland, where, in the company of every other grown man who owns his own athletic cup, I was trying out at QB for the Browns. They could have made a reality show of it: Who Wants to be Repeatedly Concussed for the League Minimum Salary?

The Browns have lost their two top quarterbacks – Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson – to season-ending injuries. So right from the start of the emergency tryout session there was a sense of urgency and anxiety in the air. Or was that the aroma of Bernie Kosar’s full-body Bengay rubdown? Either way, very tough on the stomach.

Coach Romeo Crennel Continue…

NFL Picks Week 13: We're like Donovan McNabb, but with keyboards

By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, November 26, 2008 at 2:28 PM - 2 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 8-8
Season: 86-85-4

Scott Reid
Last week: 9-7
Season: 79-92-4

Feschuk: Wow, did you see some of those games last week? There hasn’t been that much scoring by football players since Dan Fouts and Joe Theismann went to The Dry Look.

In other news, what a piss-poor batch of Thanksgiving games this year. CBS is going to need a pretty catchy slogan to get people to tune in to watch the 10-1 Tennessee Titans decimate the 0-bazillion Detroit Lions.

Time to brainstorm:

• Titans. Lions. It’s Still Better than Three Hours of Listening to Your Fat, Nagging Mother-in-Law.
• One Lucky Viewer, Selected at Random, Will Win Bill Cowher’s Moustache!
• Just Close Your Eyes and Pretend the Lions are the Pats!
• It Will Be Slightly Less Tedious Than Being Stuck Next to Whoopi Goldberg on a Trans-Oceanic Flight.

Reid: I love American Thanksgiving. It’s so fashionably late. And it gives us such a great excuse to stay home from work, school or the parole board hearing and Continue…

NFL Picks Week 12: Our competence, yet again, goes wide right

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, November 20, 2008 at 7:16 AM - 13 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 8-8
Season: 78-77-4

Scott Reid
Last week: 7-9
Season: 70-85-4

Reid: Wide Right \WAYD-rayht\ noun: a severe medical condition of perpetual losiness peculiar to fans of Western New York State football club, the Buffalo Bills. Symptoms strike in the dying seconds of close football games and are closely linked to crushing incompetence and failure. Effects linger for decades and are only partially offset by alcohol and transfat. Only documented successful treatment involves permanent relocation to Foxboro, Massachusetts. Origin: Scott Norwood’s right foot. Synonym: blow, suck, bite, fail, Ray Finkle, new hometown of Toronto. Antonym: New England Patriots, Jason Elam, Vladimir Ilyich Lenin.

Feschuk: Wound, meet salt. Thanks a lot, partner. Alas, it’s true: Monday night’s game was painful – painful – for Bills’ fans. We’re still a little sensitive when it comes to games that end with a 47-yard field goal attempt going wide right. But the blame falls not on the kicker – it falls on the coaching staff. There was plenty of time left in the game, the Bills drove easily to the Browns’ 32 yard-line – and then they stopped. They just stopped! They lamely ran three balls up the middle for no reason and no gain, instead of going play-action and trying to move the freaking sticks. It’s madness, I tell you – madness!! I do not claim the power to see the future (for proof of this, you need only consult my prognostic record for this season, or note that – contrary to my instinct as a young man – Loni Anderson never did technically marry me) but even as the pissing away of the Cleveland game was happening I was lamenting what was about to happen. The football gods do not look kindly upon the meek and chicken-shitted.

Having discussed Buffalo’s futility, let’s move on to our own…

Cincinnati (plus 10.5) at Pittsburgh (Thursday night)
Feschuk: I always wish I was in Vegas, but I especially wish I’d been there for the conclusion of the Chargers-Steelers game, when the officiating crew managed to bring an almost “year 2000 hanging chad” level of professionalism and certainty to the outcome. Steelers win by seven. No, they win by eight. Hang on, now Pat Buchanan is in the lead. Imagine the dismay, then the elation, then the double dismay (with a side of rage) of having bet heavily on the Steelers to cover the spread – only to have the officials reverse the correct call to the incorrect call on review, then moments later admit their own mistake to reporters. I imagine the scene at the sports book at Caesar’s was a lot like Continue…

NFL Picks Week 11: If We Put the Name Jennifer Aniston in the Headline, We Get More Page Views, Jennifer Aniston Said

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, November 13, 2008 at 4:17 PM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 5-9
Season: 70-69-4

Scott Reid
Last week: 9-5
Season: 63-76-4

Reid: Let’s say I’m TV’s Dexter Morgan. And let’s say I’m looking to cruelly and horribly execute a person of irredeemable character. Would I search the police database for a suitable guilty victim?

No. I would dial up ESPN.com and I would read the story about Mike Martz calling a dive on the final play of the San Francisco game Monday night because he “thought” the ball was on the one yard line. Thought?! You thought?! Get the knives and plastic wrap ready. Give me a syringe and some duct tape. We’re going to cut more than this dude’s hair!

Martz went on to explain that things were really confusing at the end of the game. Gosh. Tough titty said the lion to the kitty. Martz actually claimed he didn’t realize until the next day when he was speaking with Mike Nolan (umm, you mean fired ex-coach Mike Nolan?) that the ball was actually on the three and a half yard line. Wrong again! It was on the two and a half yard line. Yep – the next day he still didn’t know where the damn spot was. And for Pete’s sake, you’re running a multi-million-dollar offence. What’s the head set for? Or is that just a flat iron you freaking dandy goofball?  You blew my victory!

I waited a long long time to see the Niners compete and win a Monday Night game. And you blew it. Slice and dice him, I say. Dexter only punishes the guilty. And Mike Martz you are soooooo guilty.

Feschuk: Sadly, article 742.6 of the United Nations Convention on Common Sense Abuses prohibits signatories to the Removal of Head from Ass Framework from ever again having a rooting interest in the San Francisco 49ers. You just broke international law, slapdick.

The more important lesson to take from Monday Night Football is that we were all too hard on Joe Theismann when he was doing the Sunday night game at ESPN. Compared to the infuriatingly annoying Tony Kornheiser, Joe Theismann is Al Michaels, Edward R. Murrow and Han Solo rolled into one. I wonder what Joe’s doing these days? Probably some colour commentary on the activity of the wait staff down at the local Applebee’s:

Joe: “Did you see that?! Did you see her balance that plate of pecan pie on her forearm while also carrying that tray of entrees and beverages?! She’s really giving 110%!”

Joe’s wife: “Can we go home now?”

Whatever the case, come back Joe! All is forgiven!!

Now, on to this week’s futility… Continue…

nfl picks: all the optimism of obama, all the futility of mccain

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, November 6, 2008 at 9:14 AM - 23 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 6-8
Season: 65-60-4

Scott Reid
Last week: 5-9
Season: 54-71-4

Reid: If a black man can be elected President of the United States, is it too much to believe I could actually pick a couple goddamned football games correctly? I think not! And so, inspired by Barack Obama’s historic achievement, I too will reach toward the hopeful grasp of change. And like the President-elect, I will ignite my new winning momentum with a short but stirring oration. It will go something like this:

The summit we seek to conquer is high. For weeks, we have wandered in the low regions of failed football choices. Wearing the garments of the ridiculously wrong. Bearing the brunt of those who followed our mistaken instinct. We have been taunted by emails, teased by Feschuk, threatened by strangers – and by family also. In our darkest of moments we have even drawn comparison to that talisman of defeat, Norv Turner.

And yet, a new dawn is rising.

A new hope has spread across our morning sky. It calls to us in a low whisper but with the high cry of promise. It is a phrase passed in the sweaty basements and lonely bars of our football nation. An idea handed with hesitation and hope from the USA’s Sports Weekly to an impenetrable and unthinking brain. It points the way – past the sucker bets of large St Louis spreads and the disguise of Dallas’ true collapse. It is a small sentence with a large message.

Yes I Can.

[Pause for sustained and adoring applause.]

Yes I Can.

Yes, I can stop telling people Continue…

nfl picks: what the raiders have in common with john mayer’s crotch

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, October 31, 2008 at 6:30 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 8-5-1
Season: 59-52-4

Scott Reid
Last week: 4-9-1
Season: 49-62-4

SR: It’s Halloween. And so far, my season is about as inspiring as Saw VII: The Bloody Stump. So I’ve decided that its time to try something new. To change my system. Three words: No Naked Prognosticating. And so, with an eye to a less chilly but more successful second half to the 2008 regular season, I offer the following thoughts that do not stick to a leather chair.

SF: Golly, you are just awful at this, aren’t you? I mean, I’m no Jimmy the Greek or anything – but you, you couldn’t pick your way out of a walk-in closet. Hmm, should I open the door or run pointlessly and repeatedly into this solid wall? Thwack! Ow! Thwack! Owwww! [Brief break to think things through.] Thwack! OWWWWW! Let’s see how non-great you do this week…

Miami (plus 3.5) at Denver
SF: The big question here is how the Broncos, coming off a bye, will respond to their thrashing two weeks ago at the hands of the Patriots. Will they rise up like characters in a Matthew McConaughey sports movie or will they break down, weep and beg for mercy like people forced to watch a Matthew McConaughey sports movie? Pick: Denver.
SR: We ain’t Marshall. We are Miami. And we are not as good as Denver – especially at Mile High. So break out the bongo drums, nudity and Continue…

nfl picks: sorry mike nolan, we currently have no openings…

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, October 24, 2008 at 9:10 AM - 2 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 9-5
Season: 51-47-3

Scott Reid
Last week: 5-9
Season: 45-53-3

SR: Top 5 Things Mike Nolan could have done to avoid being fired as 49ers’ coach:

• Start Joe Montana at quarterback.
• “Lucky” houndstooth suit.
• Karoke Wednesdays.
• Invent time machine. Use time machine to return to 1981. Steal Bill Walsh’s brain. Fire up time machine and visit distant future where brain transplants are medically routine. Return to September 2007. Use Bill Walsh’s brain to coach team to the playoffs.  Build on successful foundation in 2008 to win Super Bowl in unlikely come from behind win against the Pittsburgh Steelers.
• Kick Mike Martz in the nuts (technically, wouldn’t have saved his job but would make him popular – which is even better).

SF: Mmmm… nuts. Anyhoo, this half of Couch Boys spent last Sunday in and around Ralph Wilson Stadium, personally witnessing a) the Bills’ authoritative 23-14 win over San Diego, and b) the fire department responding to Parking Lot 3 to douse a blaze that started when several inebriated gentlemen attempted to deep-fry a Continue…

nfl picks: pacman goes missing (check frogger’s house)

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, October 17, 2008 at 5:19 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 6-8
Season: 42-42-3

Scott Reid
Last week: 7-7
Season: 40-44-3

SF: Welcome to Week Seven of the NFL season – or as it’s known throughout the league: the 41.1764th percentage point juncture of the NFL season. What follows is our weekly attempt to gaze into the future and, without benefit of sorcery, clairvoyance or rational thought, discern the outcome of sporting events before they transpire. Also to see if I can make it through at least one week without mentioning Bea Arthur.

Let’s begin with a poll:

nfl picks: as bad as the bengals, but less indicted

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, October 10, 2008 at 12:05 PM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 7-4-2
Season: 36-34-3

Scott Reid
Last week: 4-7-2
Season: 33-37-3

SR: I am finally ready for some football. If you notice that we’re a bit late posting our picks this week, I have to take the blame. I was busy at the courthouse changing my legal name to Samantha Ronson.

SF: No problem. I’ve been spending my morning just sitting here waiting, passing the time by dwelling on the simple pleasures of life, such as how much better I am at this than you are. In fact, I’m going to add this to the list of things I’m better than you at – a list that is currently made up of four things, one of which you shouldn’t do naked (bowling – although kudos to you for giving it a shot).

Let’s get to the unreliability…

Chicago (minus 2.5) at Atlanta
SF: You know what would make football even better? Attack ads. I’ve never understood why players spend the week trying to avoid giving the opposing team the fabled “bulletin board” material. This is America! They should be cramming local TV with low-quality ads of dubious factual accuracy and ignoble repute:

Ominous music

Voiceover: The Bears are from Chicago. Chicago, Illinois. You know what else they have in Chicago?

Dramatic pause.

Voiceover: University libraries with books.

Dramaticer pause.

Voiceover: Books by Hitler.

Sounds of shattering glass and crying babies.

Voiceover: The Chicago Bears. The exact same as Hitler.

I’m Matt Ryan and I approve this message! Pick: Chicago.

SR: No. No. No. The secret to effective negative advertising is relevance. Is the attack current to the experience that voters/football fans are currently confronted with? Hitler is pure evil. But he’s old pure evil. Better to link the Chicago Bears with current fears and immediate anxieties. I see bumper stickers that say Continue…

nfl picks: like sarah palin, we utterly lack a clue

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, October 3, 2008 at 12:13 PM - 1 Comment

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 6-7
Season: 29-30-1

Scott Reid
Last week: 6-7
Season: 29-30-1

SF: I don’t know about you, but I thought it was great that the Oakland Raiders held a news conference this week – because now we know a) the fate of coach Lane Kiffin, and b) the whereabouts of Freddy Krueger:

In what has to be the highlight of this or any other week in the NFL, Al Davis made news of Kiffin’s firing public in a lengthy news conference that is still transpiring on all planes of reality where there is no God. I’ve been a fan of the NFL for more than 30 years and I’m pretty sure that’s the first press conference to actually include an intermission, presumably so Davis could stalk a defenceless coterie of Bay area teenagers in their nightmares.

In other news, Continue…

nfl picks: reid goes on the PUP list (physically unable to prognosticate)

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, September 25, 2008 at 9:16 PM - 1 Comment

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 7-9
Season: 23-23-1

Scott Reid
Last week: 7-9
Season: 23-23-1

SF: Let us pause and pay tribute to Matt Millen, the CEO who transformed the Detroit Lions into the Lehman Brothers of the NFL. I’m sure it stings right now, Matt, but look on the bright side: You’re still relatively young. There are so many other fields out there in which you can be awful. Continue…

nfl picks: the unlikely source of that giant non-sucking sound

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, September 19, 2008 at 7:49 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 10-4-1
Season: 16-14-1

Scott Reid
Last week: 11-3-1
Season: 16-14-1

SR: Boy, you and Ed Hochuli had a little difficulty last weekend. At least he has great big muscles. You must be inconsolable. On the other hand, my genius is beginning to shine through. Not only did I do amazingly well on my picks, but my experiments are starting to really show promise. Give me another month, I’ll have opened up a huge lead on you. And more importantly I’ll be close to cloning Jimmy Smits. Then the world will bow before my coffee complexion and smoldering sexual power.
SF: How can you talk about football at a time like this? Gary Coleman is being sued for basically running over a guy because the guy tried to snap a few pictures of Coleman at a Utah bowling alley. Whatchoo tawkin’ bout, statement of claim?! And Us magazine has a banner headline about Tom Cruise’s kid, declaring: “Suri’s in pigtails!” Also, you did slightly better than me last week, which makes me a) sad, and b) convinced you’ve been possessed by the immortal soul of Jimmy the Greek. Which would also explain why you keep telling me how terrific Phyllis George’s rack is.

Let us march toward your comeuppance…

K.C. (plus 5.5) at Atlanta
SR: Two weeks ago, Matt Ryan looked like John Elway. Last week, he looked like Gus Frerotte. This week, Gus Frerotte will look like Gus Frerotte. So who’s Ryan going to look like? Not Tyler Thigpen, whoever dat is. He’s starting for Kansas City. Herm Edwards, oozing confidence, declares that he’s going to start Thigpen but, if he falters, Edwards won’t hesitate to turn to Damon Huard. Or, possibly, the little girl who lives down the lane. Jayzuz. If this situation were any sadder it would be Red Sovine song. Pick: Atlanta.
SF: You’re just not seeing Herm’s genius. His whole offence operates on the principle of female relationships in high school – the theory being that a homely girl’s instincts will guide her to make friends with at least one even less attractive girl, thus looking good by comparison. You can see this theory in action on the Chiefs’ sideline – Huard staring at Thigpen, Thigpen staring at Huard, both of them thinking the exact same thing: “Thank God you’re here – you are one ugly bitch.” Pick: K.C.

Oakland (plus 9.5) at Buffalo.
SR: I’m not saying that Lane Kiffin hates Al Davis but the Raiders owner might want to invest in a food taster. Despite a victory in Kansas City last week, the papers are filled with rumours that if the talented Bills beat the assdraggy Raiders, Kiffin will be sacked. Amazingly, no one can even be bothered to deny it. Kiffin says it could happen but he’s not going to worry about it. Davis left it out there and said nothing – although to be fair he was pretty busy draining the life-essence of Bay area virgin girls. Buffalo has got it going this year and then some. Lynch is a monster. Edwards is competent. And the defence is good as always. This will be a long way from close. Pick: Buffalo.
SF: I love my Bills, and I’m excited about how good they’ve looked so far. I’m also savvy enough to smell a trap game – it’s a kinda musty aroma, just like the smell of a really old book or Marv Levy after a rainstorm. Pick: Oakland. Continue…

nfl picks: now with 37% more inaccuracy by volume!

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, September 12, 2008 at 7:35 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 6-10

Scott Reid
Last week: 5-11

SF: OK, let’s not ignore the elephant in the room (technically, he’s not an elephant – he’s our bookie’s muscle and his name is Zeke; with him is “Ronnie,” his baseball bat): We were some awesome kind of lousy last week. We had a worse Sunday than Tom Brady’s ACL and Marvin Lewis’s will to live. I’m not saying we couldn’t pick our nose, but it’s been five days and I still can’t get my pickin’ finger out of my eye. I guess what I’m saying is: we keep showing this level of incompetence and we’re going to get drafted to run Harper’s campaign. First strategic decision: Lose the sweater, prime minister. And the undershirt. Now here are your talking points and your halter top…

SR: No one’s ever expected perfection from us. And we keep proving them right. But frankly, it wasn’t our fault. First of all, it was Week One of the season – very unpredictable. Second, there were a lot of injuries. For instance, my gimp knee was sore the whole time I made my picks and wasn’t your eczema flaring up again? And third, it was all the work of the web designer (that’s for all the losers like us who are following this election WAY too closely). As for Stephen Harper’s sweater, if he expects to get my vote, he’ll have to switch to Angora and start calling me sailor.

Now, on to the Week 2 futility…

Green Bay (minus 3) at Detroit
SF: I have to admit – I didn’t see this coming. Usually the Lions like to tease us a little, expose their incompetence bit by bit over the course over several games, before fully flashing the naked truth of their awfulness. They’re kind of like a stripper that way – a really terrible, ugly stripper. But last week they decided to peel it all off even before the first chorus of Pour Some Sugar on Me. Detroit lost to Atlanta – as in: Atlanta – and managed to give up approximately 3,000 yards rushing in the process. The local papers responded by Continue…

couch boys: the only blog that references both sarah palin and chest hair

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, September 4, 2008 at 7:24 AM - 1 Comment

Scott Feschuk
Last season: 127-119-10

Scott Reid
Last season: 114-132-10

SF: American football – along with scores of television commercials featuring every member of the Manning family, including Cousin Oliver – is back! Welcome to Couch Boys II: Couch Harder, our second season of pigskin pickin’ here at Macleans.ca. Throughout the season, we’ll be posting our NFL selections by mid-morning on Fridays (or Thursdays, when applicable), giving readers plenty of time to crib from our expertise. Come Monday morning, readers will have the opportunity to come to the realization that we don’t actually have any expertise. Or prognostic ability. Or, not that it matters in this context, chest hair.

SR: I know we’re back together to talk about football, but I have to start with politics. That Sarah Palin – she’s no damn good. Sure, her speech was a plucky show-em-all barnburner. Sure, she likes moosesteaks and beaver soup and birchbark pie. Sure, she likes to snowmobile and hunt and, like any of us, she’d kick that poser Joe Biden square in the stones just for sport. And yes, that does clearly qualify her to run the free world when John McCain dies – like all people over the age of 200 eventually must.

But if I were an American, I’d vote against her because of those kids. Not because they aren’t perfect (even if they do get a little bit pregnant at some pretty awkward times). But because of their names. She gave her kids really creepy ridiculous handles. Here’s what Sarah Palin, possible Vice-President of the United States, has chosen to call her kids – apparently without being tricked or blackmailed: Track (boy), Bristol (girl), Willow (girl), Piper (pied) and Trig (boy). Now I ask: do you want to place the nuclear football in the hands of a woman who names her child in honour of a hated form of math?

Me and my best pal Scott “Cherry Blossom” Feschuk sure don’t think so. That’s why we’re urging all our American friends to vote for that guy with the normal sounding name leading the Democrats.

Speaking of nuclear footballs, Continue…

are you ready for "are you ready for some football?"

By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, August 27, 2008 at 7:26 AM - 0 Comments

Do you have enough pointlessness in your life? Leading doctors say you can never be too sure. So beginning Thursday, Sept. 4th, bolster your intake of pointlessness by routinely checking out this here blog, wherein Scott Reid and I will once again a) flawlessly predict* the outcome of National Football League games, and b) find ever more creative ways to employ the word “groin.”

Right now the telltale signs of a new NFL season abound: The slight chill in the morning air. The abundance of cheese in refrigerators and on top of heads. Panicked La-Z-Boy recliners trying to make a break for the front door before their corpulent masters settle in for 11 straight hours of Sunday coverage.

It’s an exciting time. But you know what’s even more exciting than excitement? Incompetence. Which makes Couch Boys quite possibly the most exciting football blog on the face of this or any other planet.

* Predictions, while guaranteed to be flawless, may also be inaccurate.