NFL Picks Week Two: Rise of the 53 Packages!

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, September 17, 2010 at 11:46 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 10-3-3

Scott Reid Last week: 8-5-3

Twelve more of these, and we'll have made up for last week's pic of Reid.

Pittsburgh (plus 5) at Tennessee

Feschuk: It’s overreaction Sunday! Let’s all overreact based on what we witnessed last weekend. The 49ers are terrible! Michael Vick should be a starting quarterback! Brett Favre prefers his Metamucil served with a straw! And the Titans are an unstoppable force of nature, like tornados or my hatred for that Papa John guy! I like Tennessee, and I like Chris Johnson, and I like the scent of lavender (not relevant in this context, probably) but I think this spread is too big given how well the Steelers’ D played last week. Let’s see how Vince Young handles coverage and pressure. (Prediction: three interceptions, two girlish screams.) Pick: Pittsburgh.

Reid: Overreaction Sunday! It’s right up there with Hungover Monday or Keep Your Hands To Yourself, Creep Wednesday. I share your analysis: The Steelers D looked pretty solid and I remain far from sold on Vince Young. He has all the emotional durability of Joaquin Phoenix. I say this is a gimme. Take these points, splash some lavender behind your lobes and prepare to be a winner. Pick: Pittsburgh.

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K.C. (plus 2) at Cleveland

Reid: When I saw this line I assumed it had to be the work of those guys who designed the antenna for the iPhone 4. It’s that incompetent. Of course, my theory could never be correct. Steve Jobs had those guys skinned alive and Continue…

NFL Picks: The Super Bowl of football games

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, February 4, 2010 at 9:08 AM - 9 Comments

* Be sure to enter our Super Bowl Challenge, located here.

Scott Feschuk Last games 0-2 Playoffs 5-5 Season 131-129-6

Scott Reid Last games 1-1 Playoffs 5-5 Season 133-127-6

Reid: Let’s begin by looking back at Media Day at the Super Bowl, the sort of cringe-worthy spectacle of excess that makes one wonder if maybe Thomas Malthus was on to something. It’s a guilty pleasure,  stripped of all pleasure.

This year’s particular highlights were Continue…

NFL Picks: The Conference Championships

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, January 22, 2010 at 10:21 AM - 8 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week 1-3 Playoffs 5-3 Season 131-127-6

Scott Reid Last week 3-1 Playoffs 4-4 Season 132-126-6

Permit us to take a moment to quietly celebrate the new contracts given to Wade Phillips and Norv Turner. Now if a few stubborn owners would just sign Andy Reid’s girth, Brad Childress’s beard and Tom Cable’s blank stare to five-year extensions, all our jokes for next season will have already written themselves.

OK, on to the games…

New York Jets (plus 7.5) at Indianapolis, Sunday, 3 p.m. ET

Reid: Are you like me? Have you had enough of the Rex Ryan love-in? Judging by this week’s media love-clench, you’d think he’d just been pushed out of his job by Jay Leno. He’s the George C. Chickenhawk of the NFL. Calling on all comers. Shooting his mouth off. Sticking out his belly. (Ok, that one’s not a put-on). Here’s the thing about this game: Indy cannot lose. Can. Not. Lose. And they will not lose. Rex Ryan’s team could barely beat some guy named Painter when the whole season was on the line. Against Manning, they’ll be fish food. Revis can only cover one receiver at a time and Manning is too fast off the blitz. By the end of the first half, Sanchez is going to look Bill Daily from I Dream of Jeannie: stumbling, stammering comic relief. (Although Daily did his best work on the Bob Newhart Show – much like Sanchez did his best work at USC). Pick: Indianapolis (by a mile).

Feschuk: This is no time for your precious “logic.” After Sunday, we’ve got two whole weeks until the Super Bowl – two long weeks of press conferences and media days, interrupted only by the three-hour patch of comedy relief known as the Pro Bowl (starring Vince Young and – by the time all the Super Bowl contenders and “injured” players drop out – JaMarcus Russell, Jim Plunkett and the chick who played Blossom). And who would you rather be stuck with for those two interminable weeks before the big game? The quick-witted, fast-talking, over-confident Rex Ryan or Jim “Someone Swears They Saw Him Blink Last Tuesday” Caldwell? I love Continue…

NFL Picks: Divisional Playoff Weekend

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, January 15, 2010 at 5:06 AM - 8 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week 4-0 Season 130-124-6

Scott Reid Last week 1-3 Season 129-125-6

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Arizona (plus 7) at New Orleans, Saturday, 4:30 p.m. ET

Feschuk: Hard to say who had a better weekend – Kurt Warner or me. On Old Man Warner’s side of the ledger, he went 29-for-33 against the Packers, tossed more touchdowns than incompletions and still got home in time to watch Murder, She Wrote. I, on the other hand, went a perfect 4-0 in my picks – winning widespread admiration from men* and gazes of intense sexual longing from women**. If New Orleans plays like it did for much of the year, I think they handle the Cardinals. But here’s the thing: Arizona actually ran the ball a ton last weekend (and very successfully) while over the past few weeks the Saints’ run defence has revealed itself to be more fractured than NBC late night. Assuming Kurt Warner is willing to stay up past his bedtime to see this thing out, Arizona has a shot at the upset. Pick: Arizona.

* Not true. ** The lady at Subway kinda winked (possibly a tic).

Reid: Last week – on my way to a blistering 1-3 record – I boldly stated, “If Green Bay loses this game, I’ll put anything you say on my face for at least 10 seconds.” So when Michael Adams stripped Rodgers and Karlos (what’s with the ‘K’?) Dansby walked the ball in to win the game in OT, I knew something truly awful was in my future. But even I couldn’t imagine Continue…

NFL Picks: Wild Card Weekend

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, January 7, 2010 at 8:02 PM - 3 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week 7-9 Season 126-124-6

Scott Reid Last week 9-7 Season 128-122-6

Feschuk: Scott Reid prevailed last week and triumphed in the season-long battle for borderline mediocrity. And there was much rejoicing:

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New York Jets (plus 2.5) at Cincinnati, Saturday, 4:30 p.m. ET

Reid: If the 2009 season was any indication, Chad Ochocinco has a better chance of finding panties on Paris Hilton than a clean catch around Darrelle Revis. The Jets CB puts the Shhhh in shutdown (that’s called coining a catchphrase!). Everyone’s wondering how Sanchez will face up to the pressure of his first playoff game. Not me. I wonder how the Bengals D will respond to being forced to eat their own unmentionables only a week ago. I’m going to say poorly. Pick: New York.

Feschuk: I follow Ochocinco on Twitter, and should Bengals fans be worried that he spent Thursday afternoon trying to figure out how to transfer photos from his cell phone to his computer? Come on, Chad: You’re supposed to be getting ready to audition as a Super Bowl contender, not a member of Geek Squad. I honestly don’t see how Cinci can win this one. They’ve got an Continue…

NFL Picks Week 17: Feschuk v. Reid – who will be the least most completely incompetent?

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, December 31, 2009 at 11:15 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 6-10 Season: 119-115-6

Scott Reid Last week: 5-11 Season: 119-115-6

Feschuk: After 240 football games, we are both barely above .500 (not surprising, in that we are not good at this) and we have the exact same record (somewhat surprising, in that you had a 10-game lead on me just a few weeks ago – before you went all “Brad Childress” on us).

Given our records, a wager of some sort is clearly in order. And not one of those wussy political wagers where one mayor pledges to send a crate of locally made jerky to the other mayor. I’m talking about a man’s wager – a wager that would make Tom Selleck’s moustache proud.

Loser buys the crantinis?

Reid: Crantinis are sorta girly, no? For the sake of our masculine image, let’s go with Kir Royale. I have to confess, after a fairly respectable season, I’ve been on a spectacular three-week chokefest. I feel about as confident as a piece of pecan pie sitting out on John Goodman’s counter.

Here’s my challenge. The loser must agree to accompany the other on an “extreme” adventure of the other’s choosing. For example, if I win, we would go Continue…

NFL Picks Week 14: To you from wobbly hand Jay Cutler throws the ball. Be yours to intercept it.

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, December 10, 2009 at 11:30 AM - 1 Comment

Scott Feschuk Last week: 5-11 Season: 95-94-3

Scott Reid Last week: 5-11 Season 105-84-3

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Pittsburgh (minus 10) at Cleveland, Thursday night

Feschuk: Mike Tomlin promised his team would “unleash hell” in December, but they must have heard him wrong because they played like hell against Oakland. This sort of misunderstanding happened pretty much every week on Three’s Company, so the good news is that all Tomlin needs to do to get his team into the playoffs is have Ben Roethlisberger make a pass at Mr. Roper. (Playing Cleveland four times in a row would also help.) Pick: Pittsburgh.

Reid: I still miss Jerome ‘Chrissy’ Bettis. And I grant you that Mindenhall makes a pretty fair Cindy (mmm…Jenilee Harrison). The problem is that instead of Continue…

NFL Picks Week 13: Sixteen games, nine Tiger Woods jokes. Feels about right.

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, December 3, 2009 at 10:50 AM - 5 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 9-7 Season: 90-83-3

Scott Reid Last week: 11-5 Season 100-73-3

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NY Jets (minus 3) at Buffalo, Thursday in Toronto

Reid: Welcome to Toronto, NFL prime timers. Feel free to enjoy your tailgate party on the Jack Astors patio – but remember: no smoking, swearing or raising your voice. We wouldn’t want to upset the anti-Island airport crowd. Last year, the Rogers Centre hosted what most sentient creatures regard as the least watchable football game in history. This year the Bills promise all that times two. One hates to bet on the Jets after their pitiful recent record. And Lord knows what will happen if Rex Ryan learns he can get unpasteurized cheese down the highway in Montreal. But you’ve got to believe the New York defence can at least stop Ryan Fitzpatrick. Pick: New York.

Feschuk: Both these teams experienced some early season optimism. But then they both ran over the fire hydrant of overconfidence and smashed head-on into the tree of harsh reality. Now they’re just two teams praying that Tiger Woods has enough money to pay Superman to reverse the rotation of the earth and turn back time. Pick: Buffalo.

Oakland (plus 13) at Pittsburgh

Feschuk: True story: Disgruntled Raiders fans have bought billboard space in town and put up the message: “Mr. Davis, do the right thing. Please hire a GM.” Ever the populist, Davis immediately agreed – and hired a new Buick Lucerne. Honk if you disagree we should bring back Jim Plunkett. [Silence.] I like the cut of your jib, Mr. Buick! Pittsburgh needs to win this game the way Tiger Woods needs to get accustomed to onanism. Pick: Pittsburgh.

Reid: What’s with Hines Ward anyway? He’s like the Keith Martin of the NFL – but without the medical degree or height. Calling out your star QB as a wimp is like Continue…

NFL Picks Week 4: Where football and John Mayer's junk intersect

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, October 1, 2009 at 3:44 PM - 6 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 7-9 Season: 25-23

Scott Reid Last week: 8-8 Season: 29-19

Welcome to Can’t Miss NFL Picks for Week 4, the first bye week of the season… not counting Week 3 when Carolina said “bye” to its last remnants of credibility. In honour of the Panthers’ QB, all interceptions thrown this Sunday afternoon shall be referred to as “delhommes.”

Oakland (plus 9) at Houston

Reid: According to Forbes, Bill Gates saw his personal fortune erode by $20-million a day over the past 12 months. That’s roughly the same pace at which JaMarcus Russell has seen his goodness-at-football deteriorate. Over the first three games, he’s thrown four times as many interceptions as touchdowns (hint: he’s only hurled one TD). He’s completed about 40% of his passes. His QB rating is a Jack Benny-ish 39. He’s fat, he can’t sing and if he continues to perform this poorly, someone’s going to ask him to serve as leader of the Liberal Party of Canada. The latest hot rumour is that the Raiders will pick up just-released Jeff Garcia and name him this week’s starter. Why not? They’re deep down the well of ‘At this point anyone would be better.’ Is DeForest Kelley still alive? Give the Doc a shot. Pick: Houston.

Feschuk: But Jim – he’s a doctor, not a miracle worker. And although DeForest Kelley is in fact dead, this does not entirely rule out the idea of him replacing Russell. Think about it: If Patrick Swayze could cross the firmament in 1990 just to give Demi Moore a goodbye kiss, then surely God has no choice but to give Bones McCoy a weekend pass to lead the Raiders to glorious victory and then go haunt the crap out of Shatner. I’m pretty sure it’s in the Bible. Pick: Houston.

Cincinnati (minus 5.5) at Cleveland

Feschuk: Hey everybody – stumped for what to get your football-loving pal for his birthday? Give the gift of a week at Brady Quinn’s Fantasy Backup Quarterback Camp (clipboard and headset included)! Derek Anderson is the new starting QB in Cleveland because, yeah, that’ll solve everything. Meanwhile, here’s my understanding of how the NFL works. The Bengals go out and Continue…

NFL Picks Week 3: Tailgating = post-apocalypse + fountains of nacho cheese

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, September 25, 2009 at 9:00 AM - 6 Comments

Scott Feschuk Last week: 11-5 (Season: 18-14)

Scott Reid Last week: 12-4 (Season: 21-11)

Week 3 Picks follow below — but first: tailgating! Sure, we spent six hours in traffic last Sunday thanks to uptight, power-mad border guards and the fact that every bloody highway in western New York just happened to be closed, either for construction or for kicks (That’ll learn them Canadians!). But the Bills-Bucs game itself was a blast and the tailgating was tremendously fun and caloric. Plus, the Bills won, thereby reducing the post-game potential for flying bottles, parking-lot fires and jokes about bringing back O.J.

People sometimes ask us what it’s like to tailgate down at Ralph Wilson Stadium. Perhaps the best answer can be found in the following Continue…

NFL Picks Week 2: Brady v. Sanchez—first guy to 10 supermodels wins

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, September 18, 2009 at 7:32 AM - 5 Comments

Scott Feschuk: Last week 7-9

Scott Reid: Last week 9-7

Not a stellar opening week for either of us, but it’s early in the season. The men haven’t even been separated from the boys yet. Which, if you think about it, means the men are still playing with the boys – which seems unfair, and a little too much like weekends at Neverland. (Too soon?)

Tampa Bay (plus 4.5) at Buffalo

Feschuk: I was reading the other day that several NFL players – and this is for real – have agreed to donate their brains to help study the effect of head trauma on NFL players. I guess no one told Leodis McKelvin he’s supposed to wait until he’s dead to do it. McKelvin’s boneheaded Monday night fumble, when my Bills were so close to upsetting the Pats, was an absolute heartbreaker. Wide right, the Music City Miracle, watching Drew Bledsoe try to “run” – being a Buffalo fan is soooo tough. I’m thinking of taking up a less painful hobby, like genital piercing or voting NDP. By the way, you may have heard that McKelvin’s lawn was vandalized the day after the game, and I just want to go on record as saying I got all this sod and muck in my boot treads from gardening. Yeah, gardening. That’s it. (You’re part McKelvin on your mother’s side, right? Need a dented mailbox with the family name?) Pick: Buffalo.

Reid: The horror of McKelvin’s decision to run the ball out of the end zone was matched only by the class of Terrell Owens in slagging his teammate after the game. As if the dude had no other way of learning that he had screwed up. Of course, Owens didn’t stop there. For good measure he threw in some choice criticisms of QB Trent Edwards. This after Owens notched two catches and – wait for it – one drop! Yes. That’s right. TO was dropping balls again – as though he’s Leodis’ spiritual father. TO – you’ll have led this team into civil war by week 6. Fans of Buffalo (who tend to be erratic and defiantly unmedicated) believe last week’s game was evidence the team is underrated. I prefer to believe it’s evidence they’re still outstanding at finding ways to crush their fans’ spirits. Lucky for them, they’re facing Byron Sandwich and the sad remnants of a once-great defence. Pick: Buffalo

New England (minus 4) at New York Jets

Reid: Tom Brady did some amazing things Monday night. He threw more than 50 passes. He led his team to a rousing fourth-quarter comeback. And he made Suzy Kolber run like her paycheque depended upon it. (Which, it sorta does). Rookie Mark Sanchez marshaled his team to an opening day victory and suddenly, he’s as popular as William Shatner at an all-girls retirement home. It all amounts to one whoppingly generous line for this game. Sure, New England’s defence looked as old as Rex Ryan looks custard-filled. But that’s no reason to narrow things down this low. Take New England and gorge on the spread. Pick: New England.

Feschuk: It’s been quite a week: We had a “smize” duel on America’s Next Top Model – what? you don’t know what a “smize” is? it’s when you “smile with your eyes,” like models do in magazines and Rex Ryan does when he smells bacon – and now we get Brady v. Sanchez in the greatest sexy-hot-quarterback showdown since Terry Bradshaw glimpsed himself in the mirror and thought he was his own evil twin. Belichick is a genius and all that, but his defence has more soft spots than Vince Wilfork’s torso. Pick: Jets.

New Orleans (plus 1) at Philadelphia

Feschuk: The Eagles looked great last week crushing the Panthers – so on one hand you’ve got to factor in their talent level and sense of determination, but on the other you’ve got to factor in Donovan McNabb’s cracked rib and the fact that Andy Reid is still winded from last Sunday’s victory jog to the locker room. That said, people may be over-reacting to Drew Brees’ six TDs last week – remember, they were against the Lions, so when we convert them to “real” stats it’s less like “throwing six touchdowns” and more like “successfully hitting the urinal.” Pick: Philly.

Reid: Wrong you are, rumpled one. New Orleans has all the tools. They may not look quite so good up against top-notch clubs but with all that talent, they deserve the benefit of the doubt. Until they lose, I’m riding these guys all the way to the dance. And they’re going up against Kevin ‘corn on the’ Kolb. He’s got more pressure on him than anyone in the NFL this week. With Garcia’s signing and the third QB slot written in ink for Vick, Corn On is playing for his job. If he falters, Garcia takes his spot on the depth chart and he’s on a bus outta town. The heat will get to him and he’ll make mistakes. Pick: New Orleans.

Houston (plus 6.5) at Tennessee

Reid: Man, a few nervous Nancys in Vegas or what? A week ago, Houston was set to take the league by storm. One loss later and they’re picking up points the way Jeff Fisher picks up hair dye (Cheval Noir #7 if I know my moustache rinses). This is what sucks about betting early in the season. Who knows if Tennessee is good because they stayed step for step with Pittsburgh? Maybe it means Pittsburgh and its complete lack of a running game simply isn’t as good as we thought. Or maybe it means their moon was in retrograde. Who the hell knows? But I wouldn’t pass up a line like this so early in the season. Pick: Houston.

Feschuk: You’re onto something here. My favourite part of early-season NFL is the predictable overreaction of analysts and experts – Drew Brees is going to get 1,000 TD passes! The Panthers are going to go 0-16! Tony Romo is competent! A week ago, the Texans were being called things like “Super Bowl contender.” Now they’re being called things like “the Houston Texans.” Even though I have to admit that the Titans’ D and Fisher’s moustache both look to be in mid-season form, I’m taking Houston to cover. Pick: Houston.

Cleveland (plus 3) at Denver

Feschuk: For reasons I don’t fully understand myself, I was watching the end of last week’s Broncos-Bengals game when Brandon Stokley snagged that tipped pass and ran it in for the win. And you really had to be watching it live to appreciate not only the improbability of the play – apparently, God decided to stop tormenting Kate Gosselin long enough to make it happen – but also the epic nature of the play-by-play call by Gus Johnson, who is to verbal restraint what Amy Winehouse is to all other forms of restraint. When Stokley grabbed the ball, Gus screamed, “Oh God!” – which doesn’t look all that impressive when typed, except he screamed it as though he’d pulled back the bed covers to discover a horse’s head or, worse still, a Spears. OH GOD!! I quite literally thought that I could see Gus Johnson’s larynx shooting out of the press box and slowly drifting down to the field. It was awesome. Anyhoo, I’m not going to bet against any team to whom the man upstairs felt He owed a solid. Pick: Denver.

Reid: Lost in the sheer spectacle of Stokley’s play and Johnson’s call was Josh Daniels on the sideline who fell to his knees, burned some St. John’s Wort and mumbled his gratitude in Latin to the dark powers for answering his spell. Daniels needed this win the way Cher needs the life essence of 20-year-old men. A loss would have led to such ugliness. But let’s face it. Not much went right for Denver until the final play of the game. Good for them that they’re back home this week and facing a team that, to put it technically, blows. Everyone wants the Browns to be better. The NFL is more fun when the Browns are good. But they’re not good. And this week that will be on display. Way to go Josh. And don’t forget to stay inside the salt circle or the demons you summon could turn on you. Pick: Denver.

St. Louis (plus 9.5) at Washington

Reid: Jason Campbell didn’t exactly answer his critics last week. Or his fans. Or Heath Shuler who called to say, “Are you me?” St. Louis went up against a much better team than Washington last week. But even still, the Rams’ offensive and defensive lines look softer than my waistline (I wanted to say ‘your waistline’ but ever since you went on that ridiculous weight loss/fitness/self-improvement schtick I have only myself left to call fat. Sigh, times change). Pick: Washington.

Feschuk: Full disclosure: I don’t care about this game and have no insight to share. Meanwhile, have you heard that John Madden has been named a special advisor to the NFL commissioner with a mandate to advise on potential changes to the game? I mention this so you’re not surprised when the Super Bowl comes and the winning coach gets doused with gravy. Pick: St. Louis.

Cincinnati (plus 9) at Green Bay

Feschuk: After losing to the Broncos, a team only slightly less dysfunctional than the Lohans and Canada’s democracy, the Bengals head to Lambeau – and don’t you get the feeling that right now even Marv Lewis is wondering what it would take for him to get fired? Does he have to order his team captain to go out for the coin toss and call, “Purple?” If we were to scour the land in a quest to find someone, anyone, less good at what he does than Marv Lewis, I think we’d pretty quickly have to narrow the search to Cuba Gooding Jr.’s house. Pick: Green Bay.

Reid: I have a theory that Marv Lewis hasn’t been fired because he’s not real. He’s the Paul McCartney of NFL football. The real Marv Lewis, the one who insisted on rock-hard defensive discipline, mental toughness and maximum effort while coaching in Baltimore was sadly killed driving near St. Albert’s Hall. He blew his mind out in a car. He didn’t notice that the lights had changed. Since that day, the Bengals have had an imposter pretend to be Marv Lewis. Luckily, this imposter looks in every way like the genuine article. Unluckily, he never really learned all the confusing rules of football. Obviously, his tenure as a coach has been terrible. But what is the team owner to do? If he fires faux-Lewis, then the disgruntled doppelganger will reveal the whole scheme. But if he keeps him around, the team will continue to be a straight man for Ochocinco’s Sonny Bono style of humour. Frankly, I sympathize with the Bengals. They’re in a real bind. Pick: Green Bay.

Arizona (plus 3) at Jacksonville

Reid: Against San Francisco, Kurt Warner looked old, gray and scared. Sort of like Madonna every time a woman under 30 walks by. Jacksonville, rumoured to be ‘good,’ didn’t exactly trip the light fantastic in Week One either. I was having a hard time deciding where to place my bet until Anquan Boldin came out this week and said his team sucks. Who am I to argue? Dude is onto something. Pick: Jacksonville.

Feschuk: He didn’t say they suck – he was just irked about the sloppiness, the penalties and the way old man Warner kept taking his teeth out in the huddle. Classic bounce-back game. (Yes, I just used wagering terminology. Accept it.) Pick: Arizona.

Carolina (plus 6.5) at Atlanta

Feschuk: I want to officially apologize to the Carolina Panthers for picking them to go to the Super Bowl. It’s like the Sports Illustrated jinx, but you don’t get injured – you get awful. The Panthers had a chance to make a statement last week against Eagles. Unfortunately, the statement they made was, “Here, would you like this ball?” That said, talk about another Vegas overreaction – Carolina lost to a very good team in Week One; Atlanta beat Miami. Let’s try to keep things in perspective here people. Pick: Carolina.

Reid: You’re a reverse rabbit’s foot if ever one existed. You even had me fooled. I took them last week largely on the strength of your recommendation. But I should have learned my lesson about listening to you after taking your advice to meet with that nice Mr. Madoff about investment opportunities. And yet, here I am again agreeing with you. This line is erratic. It’s nuts to pass up this many points. Pick: Atlanta

Seattle (plus 1.5) at San Francisco

Reid: I love Mike Singletary. I love his energy. His attitude. His kisses on that hyper-ticklish hollow on the back of my neck. I love him. Love him. Love him. Love him. If I was a man, I’d want to be just like him. But Lord, I hate this line. It’s so out of whack. It should be taking eight points from Seattle. THEN, I’d bet my Niners. But a pick ‘em? Come on!! That’s not fair. But I love Mike Singletary. And if I bet on Seattle it will be a betrayal of him and all that he’s got going so far. I can’t do it. I have to rise above reason and choose Love. Pick: SF.

Feschuk: I’d sit back and bask in the glow of your tender affection for Mike Singletary, but I can’t help but feel for Adrian Zmed. You said all those same things about him, and now he’s working the Princess Cruise Lines alone, standing by the railing in the moonlight, staring at the Alaskan coastline and dreaming of what could have been. Yours is a fickle man-love. Pick: Seattle.

Oakland (plus 3.5) at K.C.

Feschuk: After watching the Raiders play on Monday night, I foresee Oakland being game enough to keep this one close and maybe even knock off the Chiefs. Then again, I also foresee an inexplicably bikinied Olivia Wilde getting a flat tire in front of my house, and that never seems to happen. I’m starting to run out of glass shards. (FYI, it would look something like the photo illustration below, but it would be at night and I’d be there casting a reassuring gaze while subtly ripping the phone cord out of the wall.) Pick: Oakland.

Reid: Another AFC West classic. I’d really like to watch this. I would. Honest. But I’ve got a bunch of Mantracker’s taped and if I don’t get to them, I’ll just fall behind on season’s major story arc. Pick: Oakland

Baltimore (plus 3) at San Diego

Reid: Here’s the unpleasant truth: LT is so over that he might as well just take his place in the washed up Hall of Fame and start dating Heather Locklear. I watched with awe this week as people absorbed Monday night’s Raiders-Chargers duel and concluded the Raiders were better than expected. Huh? More like the Chargers remain bizarre underperformers. Sloppy play. Untough. And LT looked like he belonged in a flag football league. Now he’s injured (or wearing a boot, at least). Buddy even fumbled, and he’s not supposed to ever do that. It’s sad. He was great. But so was the first season of Heroes. That’s all behind us now. Pick: Baltimore.

Feschuk: San Diego was the trendy AFC Super Bowl pick for many pundits this pre-season. Call me old-fashioned but I have a hard time banking on a team whose coach, no matter the game situation, always sports a facial expression that seems to ask, “Wait, did I leave my car lights on?” Pick: Baltimore.

Minnesota (minus 10) at Detroit

Feschuk: I know Minnesota’s air game didn’t look so great last week, but you have to remember it’s a process of transition: when it seemed as though the quarterback would be Tarvaris Jackson or Sage Rosenfels, they didn’t even have a forward pass in their playbook. (By the way, I ordered the sage rosenfels last night at Olive Garden – delicious.) More important, did you see the beard on Brad Childress? Trimmed to a George Michaelesque precision! They decide these games based on facial grooming, right? Pick: Minnesota.

Reid: Detroit looks to keep this one close as I look through Kate Beckinsale’s window imagining that if she spots me, our eyes will lock, she’ll smile seductively and motion for me to enter for a night of crazed I-know-he’s-a-stalker-but-I-couldn’t-resist-him-anyway sex. Adrian Peterson would gain a hundred yards in this game if showed up wearing a fat suit. This will be fun to watch – just to see the colours the Lions’ players make when they get hit and burst open. Pick: Minnesota

Pittsburgh (minus 3) at Chicago

Feschuk: In what coach Lovie Smith describes as the best way to maximize his club’s chances of victory, Chicago will start Jay Cutler again at quarterback this week. In what Steelers coach Mike Tomlin described as the best way to maximize his club’s chances of victory, Pittsburgh will play the Chicago Bears this week. Pick: Pittsburgh.

Reid: I don’t like Chicago but Pittsburgh failed to impress me with its lack of a running game last week. And the loss of Polamalu cuts deep. So I’m taking the Bears. Just cause. (Being whimsically unpredictable is part of what makes me attractive. My extra long eyelashes are the other part). Pick: Chicago.

New York Giants (plus 3) at Dallas, Sunday night

Reid: I know that everyone will be jazzed to see the fancy new home of “America’s Team”. As we bear witness to the prime-time unveiling of the new Cowboys Stadium, Jerry Jones will take centre stage. And, just to make him feel accepted, every fifth fan at the game will remove their face, cut it in half and then stretch what’s left back over their skull. It should be a night to remember. Truth is, these two division rivals are pretty evenly matched as far as we know so far. But it’s like I always say: when in doubt, piss on Dallas. Pick: Giants.

Feschuk: I’m not saying the Cowboys are putting too much stock in having beaten Tampa Bay, but a cocky Wade Phillips came out and announced that from now on his players will be taking things 1.5 games at a time. Come on, Cowboys: Tampa’s defence consists of Ronde Barber and 10 Jack Lambert Fatheads. Let’s see Romo drop back and throw when there’s something coming at him other than nothing. Pick: Giants.

Indianapolis (minus 3) at Miami, Monday night

Reid: North America should send Jon Gruden flowers. Comparing him to Tony Kornheiser is like comparing Scarlett Johansson to Susan Boyle. Monday nights are fun to watch again, thank God. Gruden is witty, animated and smart. He’s the natural successor to Madden. Too bad that he’ll be hired back onto the field next year. So let’s at least enjoy him while we can. As for the game, Indy may not be what they used to be but Miami never was what they used to be. Last year’s whole season was like a sleight of hand brought to you by the good people in the league office. They gave the 2008 Dolphins a schedule so easy that we should officially refer to last year as “two thousand and Lohan”. Expect Indy’s offense to get started early and often. This will be a blowout. Pick: Indianapolis.

Feschuk: Prediction: Colts win big. Another prediction: It’s going to be splittsville for Jessica Alba and Cash Warren. Or it will be once my Charles Atlas starter kit arrives in four to six weeks. Pick: Indianapolis.

NFL Picks Week 16: As competent as Dick Jauron with a small lead

By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, December 17, 2008 at 7:02 PM - 4 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 6-8-2
Season: 108-109-6

Scott Reid
Last week: 7-7-2
Season: 103-114-6

It’s week 16. We’re deep into the time of the NFL season that separates the men from the other, slightly less talented men. So let’s get right to this week’s peerless insights into football, human nature and breast-based ribaldry.

Indianapolis (minus 6) at Jacksonville (Thursday night)
Reid: Must have been quite a dress-up party at the Feschuk household last Sunday when your Super Bowl-bound Jags finally managed to scratch out a win against Green Bay. That fires them up to, let me see now, five – count em, five – wins. For your kids’ sake I hope you do a better job of picking Christmas presents than football contenders. Something about this game makes me uneasy. The Colts should win in a walk. They’ve got a playoff spot to play for whereas Jacksonville has less than zero. On the other hand, eight consecutive victories is awful hard to manage in the NFL. My instincts tell me to go with Jacksonville. And when have my instincts ever been wrong? (Hello, mail order bride). Pick: Jacksonville.
Feschuk: Taking abuse from a guy who last year picked St. Louis to go the Super Bowl, and this year picked Seattle, is like being given sartorial advice by Andy Reid. (“A three-piece suit? Nah, what you want to do is wear a rain poncho at all times so the gravy just sort of slides right off you…”) Pick: Jacksonville.

Baltimore (plus 4) at Dallas (Saturday night)
Feschuk: You know what people don’t talk about enough? Terrell Owens. Those guys on sports radio – they should definitely spend more time talking about him. In fact, they should make a pledge right now that they are going to continue to talk about him even after he retires. Whole hours of the broadcasting day will be taken up with fascinating discussions about whether T.O.’s nursing-home nemesis Gladys Peabody cheated at Continue…

NFL Picks Week 15: Now's the time to stop playing possum, Detroit

By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, December 10, 2008 at 5:07 PM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 9-7
Season: 102-101-4

Scott Reid
Last week: 6-10
Season: 96-107-4

Feschuk: I would like to take this opportunity, at the behest of my conscience and a ruling of the Ontario Court of Justice, to issue a personal apology to my neighbours, and to passersby, and to any especially sensitive domestic pets in the general vicinity. I am sorry for the screaming last Sunday during the Bills’ latest abysmal performance. And the profanity. The impromptu mournful streaking was, owing to the strategic placement of the empty Cheetos bag, within the bounds of good taste, I believe. But I apologize if any of the embers from my Dick Jauron effigy scorched your shingles or puppies.

Reid: My favourite three things to watch this time of year are (in descending order of preference):
- Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (the one with the elf who wants to be a dentist)
- Wrath of Khan (“Of all the souls I’ve encountered in my travels, his was the most…hu(choke)man”)
- Tony Romo hamster his way to a fourth quarter come-from-ahead defeat.
Technically, the last two are among my favourite things to watch any time of the year but they seem so much better close to Christmas.
Now the boys are in trouble. Which is Gr-eat! Combined with a surging 49er squad, 2009 is starting to look a-ok. (Not to mention the release of the new Star Trek reboot with a cool new young Kirk).

And now, on to this week’s futility…

New Orleans (plus 3) at Chicago (Thursday night)
Feschuk: I like this Bears defensive line. They’re a lot like me – plucky, determined and approximately 150 pounds above their healthy weight. That said, trying to contain Drew Brees just might be the only football-related thing more challenging than figuring out what Shannon Sharpe is saying. Pick: New Orleans.
Reid: Don’t be so hard on yourself, my little bread pudding partner. Continue…

NFL Picks Week 14: Like a Bullet to the Thigh of Conventional Wisdom

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, December 4, 2008 at 10:45 AM - 6 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 7-9
Season: 93-94-4

Scott Reid
Last week: 11-5
Season: 90-97-4

Scott Reid: Gotta keep it brief because I’m off to Ottawa to see if I can’t help screw things up even more. My thought of the week: Don’t you wish Plaxico Burress and Sean Avery would go drinking together? Two birds, one errant discharged cartridge. And since we’re speaking of criminal acts of recklessness, it was nice to see J.P. Losman leading the Bills to a grand total of three points last week against my beautiful 49ers. SWEET!

Scott Feschuk: I too apologize if this seems rushed – just got back late last night from Cleveland, where, in the company of every other grown man who owns his own athletic cup, I was trying out at QB for the Browns. They could have made a reality show of it: Who Wants to be Repeatedly Concussed for the League Minimum Salary?

The Browns have lost their two top quarterbacks – Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson – to season-ending injuries. So right from the start of the emergency tryout session there was a sense of urgency and anxiety in the air. Or was that the aroma of Bernie Kosar’s full-body Bengay rubdown? Either way, very tough on the stomach.

Coach Romeo Crennel Continue…

NFL Picks Week 13: We're like Donovan McNabb, but with keyboards

By Scott Feschuk - Wednesday, November 26, 2008 at 2:28 PM - 2 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 8-8
Season: 86-85-4

Scott Reid
Last week: 9-7
Season: 79-92-4

Feschuk: Wow, did you see some of those games last week? There hasn’t been that much scoring by football players since Dan Fouts and Joe Theismann went to The Dry Look.

In other news, what a piss-poor batch of Thanksgiving games this year. CBS is going to need a pretty catchy slogan to get people to tune in to watch the 10-1 Tennessee Titans decimate the 0-bazillion Detroit Lions.

Time to brainstorm:

• Titans. Lions. It’s Still Better than Three Hours of Listening to Your Fat, Nagging Mother-in-Law.
• One Lucky Viewer, Selected at Random, Will Win Bill Cowher’s Moustache!
• Just Close Your Eyes and Pretend the Lions are the Pats!
• It Will Be Slightly Less Tedious Than Being Stuck Next to Whoopi Goldberg on a Trans-Oceanic Flight.

Reid: I love American Thanksgiving. It’s so fashionably late. And it gives us such a great excuse to stay home from work, school or the parole board hearing and Continue…

NFL Picks Week 12: Our competence, yet again, goes wide right

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, November 20, 2008 at 7:16 AM - 13 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 8-8
Season: 78-77-4

Scott Reid
Last week: 7-9
Season: 70-85-4

Reid: Wide Right \WAYD-rayht\ noun: a severe medical condition of perpetual losiness peculiar to fans of Western New York State football club, the Buffalo Bills. Symptoms strike in the dying seconds of close football games and are closely linked to crushing incompetence and failure. Effects linger for decades and are only partially offset by alcohol and transfat. Only documented successful treatment involves permanent relocation to Foxboro, Massachusetts. Origin: Scott Norwood’s right foot. Synonym: blow, suck, bite, fail, Ray Finkle, new hometown of Toronto. Antonym: New England Patriots, Jason Elam, Vladimir Ilyich Lenin.

Feschuk: Wound, meet salt. Thanks a lot, partner. Alas, it’s true: Monday night’s game was painful – painful – for Bills’ fans. We’re still a little sensitive when it comes to games that end with a 47-yard field goal attempt going wide right. But the blame falls not on the kicker – it falls on the coaching staff. There was plenty of time left in the game, the Bills drove easily to the Browns’ 32 yard-line – and then they stopped. They just stopped! They lamely ran three balls up the middle for no reason and no gain, instead of going play-action and trying to move the freaking sticks. It’s madness, I tell you – madness!! I do not claim the power to see the future (for proof of this, you need only consult my prognostic record for this season, or note that – contrary to my instinct as a young man – Loni Anderson never did technically marry me) but even as the pissing away of the Cleveland game was happening I was lamenting what was about to happen. The football gods do not look kindly upon the meek and chicken-shitted.

Having discussed Buffalo’s futility, let’s move on to our own…

Cincinnati (plus 10.5) at Pittsburgh (Thursday night)
Feschuk: I always wish I was in Vegas, but I especially wish I’d been there for the conclusion of the Chargers-Steelers game, when the officiating crew managed to bring an almost “year 2000 hanging chad” level of professionalism and certainty to the outcome. Steelers win by seven. No, they win by eight. Hang on, now Pat Buchanan is in the lead. Imagine the dismay, then the elation, then the double dismay (with a side of rage) of having bet heavily on the Steelers to cover the spread – only to have the officials reverse the correct call to the incorrect call on review, then moments later admit their own mistake to reporters. I imagine the scene at the sports book at Caesar’s was a lot like Continue…

NFL Picks Week 11: If We Put the Name Jennifer Aniston in the Headline, We Get More Page Views, Jennifer Aniston Said

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, November 13, 2008 at 4:17 PM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 5-9
Season: 70-69-4

Scott Reid
Last week: 9-5
Season: 63-76-4

Reid: Let’s say I’m TV’s Dexter Morgan. And let’s say I’m looking to cruelly and horribly execute a person of irredeemable character. Would I search the police database for a suitable guilty victim?

No. I would dial up ESPN.com and I would read the story about Mike Martz calling a dive on the final play of the San Francisco game Monday night because he “thought” the ball was on the one yard line. Thought?! You thought?! Get the knives and plastic wrap ready. Give me a syringe and some duct tape. We’re going to cut more than this dude’s hair!

Martz went on to explain that things were really confusing at the end of the game. Gosh. Tough titty said the lion to the kitty. Martz actually claimed he didn’t realize until the next day when he was speaking with Mike Nolan (umm, you mean fired ex-coach Mike Nolan?) that the ball was actually on the three and a half yard line. Wrong again! It was on the two and a half yard line. Yep – the next day he still didn’t know where the damn spot was. And for Pete’s sake, you’re running a multi-million-dollar offence. What’s the head set for? Or is that just a flat iron you freaking dandy goofball?  You blew my victory!

I waited a long long time to see the Niners compete and win a Monday Night game. And you blew it. Slice and dice him, I say. Dexter only punishes the guilty. And Mike Martz you are soooooo guilty.

Feschuk: Sadly, article 742.6 of the United Nations Convention on Common Sense Abuses prohibits signatories to the Removal of Head from Ass Framework from ever again having a rooting interest in the San Francisco 49ers. You just broke international law, slapdick.

The more important lesson to take from Monday Night Football is that we were all too hard on Joe Theismann when he was doing the Sunday night game at ESPN. Compared to the infuriatingly annoying Tony Kornheiser, Joe Theismann is Al Michaels, Edward R. Murrow and Han Solo rolled into one. I wonder what Joe’s doing these days? Probably some colour commentary on the activity of the wait staff down at the local Applebee’s:

Joe: “Did you see that?! Did you see her balance that plate of pecan pie on her forearm while also carrying that tray of entrees and beverages?! She’s really giving 110%!”

Joe’s wife: “Can we go home now?”

Whatever the case, come back Joe! All is forgiven!!

Now, on to this week’s futility… Continue…

nfl picks: all the optimism of obama, all the futility of mccain

By Scott Feschuk - Thursday, November 6, 2008 at 9:14 AM - 23 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 6-8
Season: 65-60-4

Scott Reid
Last week: 5-9
Season: 54-71-4

Reid: If a black man can be elected President of the United States, is it too much to believe I could actually pick a couple goddamned football games correctly? I think not! And so, inspired by Barack Obama’s historic achievement, I too will reach toward the hopeful grasp of change. And like the President-elect, I will ignite my new winning momentum with a short but stirring oration. It will go something like this:

The summit we seek to conquer is high. For weeks, we have wandered in the low regions of failed football choices. Wearing the garments of the ridiculously wrong. Bearing the brunt of those who followed our mistaken instinct. We have been taunted by emails, teased by Feschuk, threatened by strangers – and by family also. In our darkest of moments we have even drawn comparison to that talisman of defeat, Norv Turner.

And yet, a new dawn is rising.

A new hope has spread across our morning sky. It calls to us in a low whisper but with the high cry of promise. It is a phrase passed in the sweaty basements and lonely bars of our football nation. An idea handed with hesitation and hope from the USA’s Sports Weekly to an impenetrable and unthinking brain. It points the way – past the sucker bets of large St Louis spreads and the disguise of Dallas’ true collapse. It is a small sentence with a large message.

Yes I Can.

[Pause for sustained and adoring applause.]

Yes I Can.

Yes, I can stop telling people Continue…

nfl picks: what the raiders have in common with john mayer’s crotch

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, October 31, 2008 at 6:30 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 8-5-1
Season: 59-52-4

Scott Reid
Last week: 4-9-1
Season: 49-62-4

SR: It’s Halloween. And so far, my season is about as inspiring as Saw VII: The Bloody Stump. So I’ve decided that its time to try something new. To change my system. Three words: No Naked Prognosticating. And so, with an eye to a less chilly but more successful second half to the 2008 regular season, I offer the following thoughts that do not stick to a leather chair.

SF: Golly, you are just awful at this, aren’t you? I mean, I’m no Jimmy the Greek or anything – but you, you couldn’t pick your way out of a walk-in closet. Hmm, should I open the door or run pointlessly and repeatedly into this solid wall? Thwack! Ow! Thwack! Owwww! [Brief break to think things through.] Thwack! OWWWWW! Let’s see how non-great you do this week…

Miami (plus 3.5) at Denver
SF: The big question here is how the Broncos, coming off a bye, will respond to their thrashing two weeks ago at the hands of the Patriots. Will they rise up like characters in a Matthew McConaughey sports movie or will they break down, weep and beg for mercy like people forced to watch a Matthew McConaughey sports movie? Pick: Denver.
SR: We ain’t Marshall. We are Miami. And we are not as good as Denver – especially at Mile High. So break out the bongo drums, nudity and Continue…

nfl picks: sorry mike nolan, we currently have no openings…

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, October 24, 2008 at 9:10 AM - 2 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 9-5
Season: 51-47-3

Scott Reid
Last week: 5-9
Season: 45-53-3

SR: Top 5 Things Mike Nolan could have done to avoid being fired as 49ers’ coach:

• Start Joe Montana at quarterback.
• “Lucky” houndstooth suit.
• Karoke Wednesdays.
• Invent time machine. Use time machine to return to 1981. Steal Bill Walsh’s brain. Fire up time machine and visit distant future where brain transplants are medically routine. Return to September 2007. Use Bill Walsh’s brain to coach team to the playoffs.  Build on successful foundation in 2008 to win Super Bowl in unlikely come from behind win against the Pittsburgh Steelers.
• Kick Mike Martz in the nuts (technically, wouldn’t have saved his job but would make him popular – which is even better).

SF: Mmmm… nuts. Anyhoo, this half of Couch Boys spent last Sunday in and around Ralph Wilson Stadium, personally witnessing a) the Bills’ authoritative 23-14 win over San Diego, and b) the fire department responding to Parking Lot 3 to douse a blaze that started when several inebriated gentlemen attempted to deep-fry a Continue…

nfl picks: pacman goes missing (check frogger’s house)

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, October 17, 2008 at 5:19 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 6-8
Season: 42-42-3

Scott Reid
Last week: 7-7
Season: 40-44-3

SF: Welcome to Week Seven of the NFL season – or as it’s known throughout the league: the 41.1764th percentage point juncture of the NFL season. What follows is our weekly attempt to gaze into the future and, without benefit of sorcery, clairvoyance or rational thought, discern the outcome of sporting events before they transpire. Also to see if I can make it through at least one week without mentioning Bea Arthur.

Let’s begin with a poll:

nfl picks: now with 37% more inaccuracy by volume!

By Scott Feschuk - Friday, September 12, 2008 at 7:35 AM - 0 Comments

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 6-10

Scott Reid
Last week: 5-11

SF: OK, let’s not ignore the elephant in the room (technically, he’s not an elephant – he’s our bookie’s muscle and his name is Zeke; with him is “Ronnie,” his baseball bat): We were some awesome kind of lousy last week. We had a worse Sunday than Tom Brady’s ACL and Marvin Lewis’s will to live. I’m not saying we couldn’t pick our nose, but it’s been five days and I still can’t get my pickin’ finger out of my eye. I guess what I’m saying is: we keep showing this level of incompetence and we’re going to get drafted to run Harper’s campaign. First strategic decision: Lose the sweater, prime minister. And the undershirt. Now here are your talking points and your halter top…

SR: No one’s ever expected perfection from us. And we keep proving them right. But frankly, it wasn’t our fault. First of all, it was Week One of the season – very unpredictable. Second, there were a lot of injuries. For instance, my gimp knee was sore the whole time I made my picks and wasn’t your eczema flaring up again? And third, it was all the work of the web designer (that’s for all the losers like us who are following this election WAY too closely). As for Stephen Harper’s sweater, if he expects to get my vote, he’ll have to switch to Angora and start calling me sailor.

Now, on to the Week 2 futility…

Green Bay (minus 3) at Detroit
SF: I have to admit – I didn’t see this coming. Usually the Lions like to tease us a little, expose their incompetence bit by bit over the course over several games, before fully flashing the naked truth of their awfulness. They’re kind of like a stripper that way – a really terrible, ugly stripper. But last week they decided to peel it all off even before the first chorus of Pour Some Sugar on Me. Detroit lost to Atlanta – as in: Atlanta – and managed to give up approximately 3,000 yards rushing in the process. The local papers responded by Continue…